Her Daughter’s Dream

“It’s never been about possession.”

“Maybe not, but that’s the way it’s turned out. And I’m losing ground with every day that passes.” No matter how little time she spent with her child, she loved her. She longed to have her back in her arms. Why else did they think she worked so hard? She wanted her life back, a life that centered on May Flower Dawn.

Oma reached over and gripped her wrist, eyes flashing. “I took care of you when you were little more than a toddler. You needed me. Do you remember? But that didn’t change the fact that your mother is still your mother!”

“Yes. I remember.” Carolyn put her hand over Oma’s. “But I learned to love you more, didn’t I?”

Oma’s eyes flickered. She had an odd expression on her face. Picking up her purse, she stood. “It never stopped you from loving her.” She went quietly out the door.

Dear Rosie,

I see more clearly now how things I thought I did for good caused harm. Remember when I moved in with Hildemara when she was ill with consumption? I wanted to help, but ended up taking over. I became so attached to Carolyn, I didn’t see the damage I did to my daughter.

Now I find myself watching Carolyn suffer as Hildemara must have. The girl is working so hard to put her life back together and earn love, all because Trip laid out a plan for her to “get back on her feet” and “fly right.” They want to help, just as I did. But these conditions have left no time for Carolyn to be with her child, no time to be part of the family. I hardly ever see Carolyn anymore. We barely have time to exchange a greeting, let alone sit under the arbor and have a cup of tea. How can I encourage her? I have no answers.

I have never seen Hildemara so happy (other than her complaints that Carolyn no longer attends church). I understand her happiness because I felt the same when I took care of Carolyn. I felt the loss of my daughter’s affections far less when I could freely pour my love out on my granddaughter. And there is the dilemma! Did I have the right to usurp Hildemara in Carolyn’s affections as I now see her doing with May Flower Dawn? Hildemara is in her glory. She does all the things a mother longs to do for her child. Of course, Carolyn does not complain about anything. She has always been reticent about sharing her feelings. Yesterday she surprised me and said her mother never had time for her, but all the time in the world for May Flower Dawn. She didn’t say it with bitterness, but resignation.

I’ve been pondering Carolyn’s words ever since. I wonder if Hildemara feels the same about me…

19

1976

Time moved too quickly. Carolyn’s mother had enrolled Dawn in nursery school and stayed as a volunteer. Carolyn pushed harder than ever as she went into her senior year of college. Myrna urged Carolyn to study for a real estate license. “I have more clients than I can handle, and you’ve already learned how to write proposals and put the paperwork together.” Myrna had seen to that. “You’d make a lot more money than you do as my receptionist.”

Adding another goal chewed into what little time Carolyn had left. She wished she could quit college, but Dad wouldn’t hear of it. “Real estate markets go up and down. A college degree lasts forever.” The last few months proved to be the most taxing, and then she got the word she had made it. She told Dad, knowing he would care more than Mom. Only one hitch.

“What do you mean you’re not going through the graduation ceremony?”

Carolyn shrugged it off. “It’s not important. I’ll get my diploma in the mail.”

“Don’t you think you owe it to us to walk across that stage?”

She wanted to remind him she had already given him and Mom everything he demanded-and the one thing that mattered most to her, May Flower Dawn. “The test for my real estate license is on the same day, Dad. I have more chance of making a living at real estate than as an officer manager.” She’d already checked. It was still a man’s world. All her business degree would get her was a menial job in a big corporation and low starting pay. She didn’t have any more time to waste.

“Doesn’t it matter to you, Carolyn?” Her father looked troubled. “You’ve worked so hard. You should be proud. I’d think you’d want to wear that cap and gown and have the whole world see you get your diploma.”

The whole world? Who was he kidding? Carolyn felt a sudden rush of anger. “It mattered more to you than it ever mattered to me.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“And where would I’ve been if I had? I’d have done anything to stay off the streets. I’ve done everything you and Mom asked of me, and you’re still not satisfied.”

Dad winced as though she’d slapped him across the face. She had to clench her teeth before she lied and retracted every word.

* * *

Real estate license in hand, Carolyn gave Myrna Wegeman notice. “You’re quitting?” Myrna couldn’t believe it. “After all I’ve done for you?”

Carolyn thanked her. “You’ve taught me more about business than all my classes put together. You’re the one who believed in me and made me feel I could do so much more.” She wanted to work in the valley, close to May Flower Dawn. She wanted time with her daughter.

Myrna wasn’t mollified. “You owe me for the opportunities I’ve given you!”

Carolyn had had enough. She didn’t want to hear how much she owed Myrna-or anyone else. She’d been working on her debts for five years! “I’m sorry you feel that way. I hoped we could part as friends.” Forget the two weeks’ notice. She headed for the door.

Myrna came out from behind her desk and called out to her to wait a minute. “Can’t we talk about this?” Carolyn didn’t even look back as she went out the door and closed it firmly behind her.

She’d already lined up a job in a real estate office in Paxtown. Real estate boomed over the East Bay hills, too, and Ross Harper had been willing to hire her, despite having been warned by others of her less-than-pristine reputation. He’d heard of Myrna Wegeman. “If you survived three years with that tiger, working with me is going to be a piece of cake.”

She no longer had to get up at the crack of dawn to commute to the Bay Area. She no longer had night classes. She didn’t have to spend every spare minute studying and writing papers. She could breathe a little, as long as she scoured the valley in search of people willing to list property with a young, untried real estate agent. And then she had to promote those properties to other agents and show the houses.

America’s bicentennial came, and Carolyn managed enough time off to attend the fireworks and celebration at the fairgrounds. Five-year-old May Flower Dawn was frightened by the explosions and bright, showering lights. When Carolyn tried to snuggle her close, she cried harder. Straining away, Dawn called out for “Granny” and wouldn’t be calmed until sitting on Mom’s lap.

A week later, Carolyn sold her first listing and used every bit of her commission to pay off the last of the debt she owed her father and mother. She felt a moment of ecstasy when she handed Dad the check.

“Against all odds.” His eyes glistened with tears. “You did it, Carolyn.” He smiled broadly. “I’m proud of you.”

She had never expected those words to come out of his mouth, not in a million years. Embarrassed, she stammered. “I have some buyers interested in another listing. If all goes well, I’ll have enough to move out on my own.” She glanced toward the living room, where May Flower Dawn played with Barbie dolls while Mom read a story.

Mom left the book on the table and came through the foyer. “What are you two talking about?”

Dad showed her the check. “She’s debt-free.”

Mom held the check in both hands and stared at it. No congratulations were forthcoming. Carolyn stood a little straighter. “I was telling Dad if I make another sale, I’ll be moving out with May Flower Dawn.”