Her Daughter’s Dream

to him from the couch and watched him go out the back door. He glanced back at her through the glass before heading for the wooden steps to the downstairs. Granny paused in the bedroom doorway and looked at her. “Are you staying up, Dawn?”

“I’m not sleepy yet. I thought I’d watch television for a while.”

“Turn down the thermostat when you go to bed.” Granny wished her a good night and closed the French glass doors with their sheer privacy curtains. Dawn pulled a crocheted afghan around her shoulders. She lowered the volume and changed the channel. She heard Papa’s loud snores. He always fell asleep the moment his head hit the pillow. It wasn’t long before Granny made it a duet. Dawn waited another fifteen minutes before turning off the television and resetting the thermostat. She took a quick shower and slipped on her nightgown. Pulling the covers back, she rumpled them and stuffed two pillows underneath in the off chance Granny awakened and felt the need to look in on her.

She closed the accordion doors before carefully opening the back door. She made sure it was unlocked before quietly closing it behind her. Then she hurried tiptoe down the wooden steps, feeling the icy drops of rain soaking through her cotton gown. A soft light shone above the apartment door. She hesitated. Then, shivering with cold, she pushed the door open. Her heart lurched as it creaked. As she stepped inside the door, Jason turned on the bedside light. “What are you doing?” Throwing the covers off, he got out of bed.

Jason looked so comical in Grandpa’s pajamas, Dawn giggled nervously. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Shhh… You’d better go before they-”

“Listen!” she whispered, pointing up. Papa snored so loudly, they could hear him downstairs. She grinned at him. “They both sleep like logs. They won’t know a thing.”

“You’re shivering.” He put his arms around her. “You’re wet!”

“It’s raining.” She inhaled his scent. It went right to her head. “I’m freezing.” She shivered, loving the feel of his arms around her. His heart pounded harder. “I’d be warmer in bed.”

“Not a good idea.”

“We won’t do anything.” She slipped her arms around him. “We’ll just talk.”

Beneath the covers, Jason held her close and asked if she was warm enough. She said no and snuggled closer, pressing her body against the length of his. She heard his breath quicken. They did talk, for a little while. Then they kissed. Heating up fast, they had to push the covers off. Niggling doubts flitted into Dawn’s mind as passion grew.

Fear gripped her at the last. Too late. She sucked in her breath at the unexpected pain. Jason stopped, rasping an apology. She said, “It’s okay; it’s okay.” They both knew it wasn’t. Worse, they couldn’t go back.

This wasn’t how she imagined it would be.

When it was all over, Jason sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands. Dawn pulled the blankets up to her chin. Silent, rigid, eyes welling, she felt sick with regret. What had she done?

Jason was silent so long, she felt driven to speak. “I love you.” That’s why she’d done it. “I love you, Jason.” She sounded like a frightened child afraid of being chastised.

“I love you, too.” Jason’s voice was thick with tears. And regret.

Ashamed, Dawn shoved the covers off and fled to the door. Jason caught up with her and wrapped his arms around her. Pulling her firmly against him, he whispered against her hair, “It’s my fault.” He drew in a ragged breath. “I should’ve gone home.”

Hurt by his remorse, ashamed of her own behavior, she spoke tersely, voice breaking. “I wish you had.”

* * *

Of course, Granny insisted Jason have breakfast before he left. Jason glanced at her once when she came out of her bedroom. He had dark shadows under his eyes, as though he hadn’t slept any better than she had. Dawn could tell it took concentrated effort for Jason to smile and act normal, to talk with her grandparents as though nothing had happened last night.

Sitting there at the table, Granny and Papa chattering away, Jason giving distracted answers, she kept thinking, I had sex with Jason downstairs last night in the bed Mom and Mitch slept in a few days ago. Granny and Papa were right upstairs. They all trust me. They respect Jason. What would they think of us now if they knew? She felt cold prickles along her arms. What if Jason confessed what they’d done to Pastor Daniel? What if he told Tom Barrett and Tom told Kim?

She hadn’t expected to feel sick with guilt and shame. She knew Jason felt even worse than she did. He didn’t hurry, but he didn’t linger over breakfast the way he might have if she’d stayed in her own bedroom last night.

“I’d better get going.” Jason said his good-byes and thank-yous. Dawn followed him out to his car. She stood under the overhang, arms wrapped around herself, afraid of what he might say. Jason gave her the same chaste peck on the cheek that he had when he arrived yesterday. Only his eyes looked different. “The sheets are…” He winced. “They’re going to know.”

Dawn’s face went hot. “I’ll strip the bed and wash them.” Thank goodness Granny had given her burgundy sheets rather than white ones, or she’d never be able to wash away their sin.

Sin!

Shocked, Dawn felt the word stab her heart like a spear, leaving her wounded. We sinned. I sinned.

“I’m sorry, Jason.” She pressed her lips together, tears spilling from her eyes.

He stepped close, his hand at her waist as he whispered into her ear. “I love you. Nothing’s going to change that.”

But something already had.

37

1987

Dawn didn’t hear from or see Jason until school started again. He stood waiting when the bus pulled in and fell into step beside her as she headed inside to her locker. “We have to talk.”

“You could’ve called.” Hurt, angry, she walked on.

“I couldn’t. Mom and I had a big fight when I got home.”

The blood drained from her head, and she felt faint with fear. “Did you tell her?”

“No.” Glancing around, he leaned closer while she worked the combination and opened her locker. “How long before we know if you’re…?” She could feel his embarrassment. She looked at him and let him see her fear and hurt, and he frowned. “Things will work out.” When Jason took her hand, she wove her fingers through his and held tight, afraid he’d fall out of love with her as quickly as she had fallen in love with him.

Every day, he gave her that questioning look, and she shook her head. After three weeks had passed, he said he’d try to get a home pregnancy test. “I might not be able to buy one this week. Bill is working the same shift I am, and if he sees, he’ll say something to Mom.” Agitated, he raked a hand through his hair.

Mom awakened Dawn Saturday morning. “Your grandparents are going to be here in an hour.”

Dawn sat up and rubbed her eyes.

“Are you all right?”

Fear shot through her. Did her mother know? Had she some extrasensory perception that she could guess? “I’m fine.”

She showered, dressed, and threw her hair into a ponytail. A car honked loudly, and she drew back the sheer curtains. Granny and Papa had arrived in separate cars, Papa in a white Buick and Granny in their shiny black Sable. When Dawn opened the front door, Granny dangled the keys. “The Sable is all yours.”

Papa grinned. “Happy sixteenth birthday!”

“What?” Dawn stared. “You’re kidding, aren’t you?”

“Of course not.” Granny took her limp hand and dropped the keys into it, closing Dawn’s fingers around them. “We wouldn’t kid about something like that.”