“I don’t believe ya’.”
“That’s your prerogative.”
“Jeezus…” he muttered. “This ain’t some kinda game, White Man.”
“You don’t have to tell me that, Ben. I know it isn’t.”
“Well, would ya’ tell me if ya’ did see somethin’?”
“I don’t know.”
“What kinda answer is that?”
“The best I can give you right now.”
“Okay. So the Feebs dug up some background on ‘er,” he said, as he dropped his hand down and sent it inside the folds of his coat to retrieve his notebook. “Think that might help jog some Twilight Zone stuff?”
“Don’t bother, Ben. I don’t want to hear it.”
He stopped with the notebook halfway out of the inner pocket, stood there for a moment, and then stuffed it back in with a heavy breath to punctuate his frustration.
“What’s gotten inta’ you?”
“A little bit of sense maybe.”
“Come on, Row…” he eventually mumbled.
“Besides, the way I understand it I’ve been banned from this case… And, any other investigations for that matter.”
“Technically, yeah, but I’m just tryin’ ta’ keep ya’ in the loop. What they don’t know ain’t gonna hurt ‘em.”
“It’s not them I’m worried about.”
“You really aren’t gonna talk about it, are ya’?”
“No.”
“What’s the real reason?”
“In case you don’t recall, I quit.”
“Bullshit. That’s what you said, but you didn’t mean it.”
“Yes, I did.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I’m not going to have this argument with you.” I shook my head for emphasis. “Shouldn’t you be happy about this, Chief? For years you’ve been telling me to stay out of everything. Let the cops do the cop stuff, I believe is what you said. Well, you’ve convinced me. I’m letting you cops do your jobs. I’m not getting involved.”
“You already are, Row.”
“Not anymore.”
“So you’re sayin’ you’ve just switched off the Twilight Zone shit, and that’s the end of it? I thought you said it doesn’t work like that.”
“No, it doesn’t,” I muttered.
“So then you do still see shit, don’tcha?”
“Only if I look,” I said then paused before adding, “And, I try not to.”
“Yeah, but you do anyway. I know you.”
“That’s not the point.”
“Then what is?”
“Not what. More like, who.”
“Felicity?”
“Uh-huh.”
“So, Firehair wants you to quit?”
“She didn’t come right out and say it. Not lately anyway. But, she’s good with the decision, and that’s really all that matters.”
He exhaled a long, slow breath. “You blame me, don’t ya’? Both of ya’ do.”
“No, we don’t.”
“You gotta. I got ya’ into all this when I came to ya’ about the Tanner homicide.”
“No.” I shook my head, again using the exaggerated motion to punctuate my answer. “What you did was ask me some simple questions about WitchCraft and Wicca. I’m the one who got myself in too deep. I’m the one who let it take over my life.”
“So, what’re ya’ gonna do?”
“Take my life back.”
“Yeah, sounds good in theory, but I mean what about the Twilight Zone stuff. If you still see the crap then what’re ya’ gonna do?”
“I’ll just have to live with the nightmares.”
“Do ya’ really think you can?”
“I already do, Ben. Every single day.”
“Yeah, but can ya’ live with the thought of not doin’ somethin’ about what ya’ see?”
Once again, I didn’t answer. Instead I just looked away and stared out across the lawn.
Ben pressed on. “Okay, so, what about Firehair? She sees shit too.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“But…”
“There aren’t any but’s,” I interrupted. “Face it. You don’t need me. All I ever do is visualize the horrors that sick, twisted people exact upon others. It’s not like I can make them stop what they’re doing. I wish to hell I could, but I can’t.”
“That’s not true, Rowan,” he offered with a shake of his head. “You’ve helped stop the bastards more than once. You’ve saved innocent lives.”
“Tell that to Randy and Starr,” I spat, blatantly naming the two members of Felicity’s coven who had been tortured and murdered by a serial killer bent on my demise. His primary reason for what he did to them was so that he could draw me out into the open, and I’d been living with that guilt ever since.
“That wasn’t your fault.”
“Your sister keeps telling me the same thing. Maybe someday I’ll fool myself into believing it too.”
“You’re bein’ too hard on yourself, White Man.”
I let out a sarcastic chuckle that I simply couldn’t contain. “You’re kidding, right?”
“Come again?”
“Forget everyone else for a second, and take a good look at me, Ben. I’m a fucking wreck. Felicity isn’t much better. She just hides it better than me. And, the real truth is she’d be just fine if it wasn’t for me.”
“How do ya’ figure?”
“Easy. For six years I’ve let magick control me instead of the other way around. And, because of that screw up, I brought all the crap down on her as well. I’m supposed to live by the rule of harm none… Well, I haven’t been doing a very good job of it… It’s time for me to stop. Stop hurting her, and stop hurting myself. End of story.”
“Ya’ really think any of that’s gonna change if ya’ keep everything bottled up inside?”
“I don’t know, but I have to try.”
“You aren’t selfish like that, Row.”
“Maybe it’s time I started being a little selfish.”
“It ain’t you… Listen, I…” Before my friend could get the rest of the sentence out of his mouth, his cell phone trilled. “Jeez… Hold on a sec…”
He dug the device out of his coat pocket, flipped it open, and then pressed it up to his ear. “Yeah, this is Storm… Uh-huh… Yeah… Yeah, I’m gonna be there… Yeah, just talkin’ ta’ Row… Yeah, about work… Dammit, Al, let’s not go there… I’m serious… Yeah, I said I’d be there… Uh-huh… Okay, I will… Later.”
After folding the phone and stuffing it back into his pocket, he looked over at me with a mildly pained expression. “That was Allison,” he said, referring to his ex-wife.
“Something wrong?”
“Other than the fact that she’s still pissed at me for ever draggin’ you inta’ this sorta shit? No, not really. The offspring’s in a school play tonight, and I promised ta’ be there, so I gotta go in just a bit. Oh, and she said ta’ tell you hi.”
