And Baby Makes Two

this was worse. Before she complained all the time, but at least she got up with Shinola in the night once in a while and made a few bottles. Now all she did was complain.

“All right … all right…” I got to my feet and staggered into the kitchen.

“Pick Shinola up before you heat the bottle,” she nagged. “She’s upset. She needs to be comforted.”

“I’ll comfort her once I’ve done this,” I said, though at that moment I’d sooner have stuffed her down the loo. “I’ve only got two hands.”

There were three bottles ready in the fridge, thank God. I wasn’t up to any major preparation. Not with the Curse of Kilburn shrieking at me.

“Heat the water first,” ordered my mother. “You don’t want it hot, you just want it warmed.”

I put a bottle in a cold pan of water and turned on the burner. “I know how hot to make it,” I informed her. “I have done this before.”

She didn’t say anything. I glanced over my shoulder to see why. You know, to see if she was putting a curse on me or something and couldn’t be bothered to answer. She was gone.

Though not for long.

She came back before I had time to miss her, Shinola squirming in her arms.

“Look at her!” she said accusingly. “She’s almost blue.”

She was closer to purple than blue, if you asked me.

“And that’s my fault?” I screamed back. “Even though I didn’t hear her?”

Some things never changed. I still got blamed for everything, but now she had more things to blame me for.

“You should’ve heard her,” snarled my mother. “Either you bring her cot into the living-room, or you take the telly into your room.”

But when she talked to Shinola she was as sweet as pie. “There … there…” she crooned. “Your bottle will be ready in a minute. There … there … there…”

I took Shinola out of her arms. “She’ll puke if you keep jiggling her like that.”

“No, she won’t,” said my mother. “She has nothing in her to puke.”

It was another week before Les could come over – because of work and having to catch up after his holiday and everything. He had a surprise for me. “I can’t wait to see your face when you see it,” said Les.

It’d been so long since anyone had given me anything that wasn’t really for Shinola that I instantly forgave him for not coming round sooner.

I spent the whole day getting ready.

Les was a very neat person. I didn’t want him to think that motherhood had made me sloppy, so I tidied the flat up first. It took ages because every time I’d get stuck into the washing-up or something, Shinola would start screaming.

Then I gave her a bath and changed her so she wouldn’t smell like something that’d gone off. As soon as I snapped the last snap on her rompers, she did the biggest dump anyone smaller than an elephant could possibly do. I had to start all over again.

I hadn’t even finished doing my make-up when the doorbell rang.

Shinola was whingeing, of course, so I scooped her up and raced to the door.

Les looked surprised. “Jesus Christ,” he said.

I smiled down at her. “Say hello to your father.” I waved her little hand at him. It was wet with drool.

Les had half a smile on his face. Not a small smile, but half a smile, as if only one half of his mouth could actually move. He kind of shuffled from one foot to the other, his eyes on Shinola. I’d been hoping he’d be choked with emotion the first time he saw her, but he wasn’t, unless the emotion was nervousness.

“She’s sweet,” said Les. “She looks like you.”

I pretended to study Shinola’s face as though I’d never looked at it before, when really it was just about all I did look at any more.

“You think so? I think she’s got your nose.”

Les laughed. “She hasn’t got anybody’s nose. She’s got her own.”

He stood there, nodding and grinning, his eyes on Shinola as if he thought she was a letter-bomb.

“So,” I said. “Do you want some tea? Tell me all about your holiday.”

Les threw himself on to the sofa beside a box of disposable nappies. The sofa honked. Startled, he reached behind him and removed a blue rubber duck.

“I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like when she can walk,” I said. “Her stuff gets everywhere as it is.”

Les’s nose twitched. “She hasn’t done something, has she? It smells funny in here.”

“Of course not.” There was no way I was going to start changing nappies then. It was the first time we’d been together in weeks. I wanted Les to think of me as his sex goddess, not the girl with the poo-smeared cotton ball in her hand. “Why don’t I put the kettle on while you tell me about your holiday?”

Les leaned back with a sigh. “Don’t let me bang on too long,” he said. “I’m becoming a bit of a Greece bore.” He laughed. “You’re lucky I forgot my snaps.”

Shinola’d only been whimpering, you know, so we wouldn’t forget she was there. But as soon as Les started to talk about his holiday, she started to cry for real.

“Shhh, shhh…” I whispered. “Daddy’s trying to tell us something.”

“It was the most brilliant time I’ve ever had,” Les was saying. He raised his voice to be heard over Shinola. “I went swimming every day. And I went fishing a couple of times and even scuba-diving. I really—”

I turned from the sink, holding the baby with one hand and the kettle with the other. “What?” I shouted. “Swimming, fishing and what?”

“Scuba-diving!” roared Les. “I really liked the scuba-diving. But it’s not as easy as you think.”

I’d never thought about scuba-diving at all and I wasn’t about to start just then. Les yammered on about scuba-diving and all the things you have to learn so you don’t kill yourself or anything, but there was no way I could really hear him. Not with trying to get the tea things out and Shinola shrieking in my ear. I didn’t want to interrupt him every three words to say “What?” Plus, I didn’t really care. He might as well have been talking about star surfing, it seemed so foreign and far away.

I came back into the living-room while he was going on about the fishing. He hadn’t caught anything.

“What a shame,” I said. “Still, you got a good tan.”

Les beamed. “And no sunburn. Usually I burn badly, but this time my nose didn’t even peel.”

I moved the nappies and put Shinola on the sofa beside him to bond. She’d settled down a bit once the tea was made, but as soon as she hit the couch she started up again.

Les jumped to his feet. “Christ!” He slapped his forehead. “Your surprise! How could I forget?”

It was a T-shirt that said “Winner of the Wet T-shirt Competition, Sunnytime Holidays” and then something in what I reckoned must be Greek. At least it was Greek to me.

“Try it on,” shouted Les.

“But the tea—”

He winked. “The tea can wait.” He winked again. “You have to wear it without a bra.”

I had to go in the kitchen to take my bra off because people could see into the living-room from the street. Les came after me.

I stuck out my chest. “How does it look?”

Les grinned. “It looks better when it’s wet, but it looks pretty good.”

I looked down. “They’re not so big any more.”

“They’re big enough for me,” said Les.

The way he said it made me feel all tingly.

Les took a step towards me.

I took a step towards him.

Our lips touched.

Shinola really started to scream.

Les jumped back as though my mouth was hot.

“Christ,” he said. He glanced at his watch. “I’d better get going. I can’t be late. Not after being on