Happy Birthday: A Novel

what I don’t want, and everything I wanted to get away from. Now I have, and I thank my lucky stars every day that I’m with you and not girls like that anymore. I felt stupid and I was bored, and I had nothing better to do. It was all about my ego. Everything I feel for you is about my heart, and the rest of me,” he said with a mischievous grin. And as soon as they walked into her apartment, he proved it to her. He scooped her up in his arms and walked into her bedroom.

“Put me down, you’ll hurt your back! That’s not good for your leg!” she kept insisting, and he only laughed at her.

“To hell with my leg and my back! Are you telling me I’m old?”

“No,” she said as he dumped her on the bed and fell on top of her. “I’m telling you that I love you.”

“Good, because I love you too. Now enough about this crap about how old we are. It’s Valentine’s Day and I want to make love to you. Take your clothes off,” he said, as he tugged them off her. She was laughing, and it all seemed silly suddenly, her reaction to telling him about April’s baby, and the girl in the restaurant. None of it mattered. Only they did. And with that he made love to her as though they were both eighteen years old. They had been brave enough to open the right door, and lucky enough to find each other.

Chapter 16

Two weeks after Valentine’s Day, April was standing on the sidewalk outside the restaurant, signing for the delivery of the new dishwasher she’d had to buy. She had her apron off and there was no hiding it anymore. Everybody knew she was pregnant. She hadn’t told anyone who the father was except Ellen and her parents. And it was clear to her entire staff that she was facing it alone. They were being very nice to her, and helping her whenever possible. Two of her older waitresses in particular were being very motherly to her and said they wanted to give her a shower for the baby. Others were offering to lend her equipment she would need, and Jean-Pierre brought tears to her eyes when he gave her an antique cradle for the baby that he had found at a garage sale. It still didn’t seem real to her, although the baby kicked her constantly. But she couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have a child of her own once it was born. Most of the time, she tried not to think about it, and just went on about her work and running her business. She was exactly six months pregnant.

She was walking back into the restaurant, with her head down, following the men carrying the dishwasher, when someone behind her touched her shoulder, and she turned around and found herself looking up at Mike. He looked very serious and very somber as he tried not to look at her stomach, but he had been shocked by its size when he saw her. She looked to him as though she were about to have the baby, which he knew she wasn’t. But her belly was huge now. It had popped out in the last month, and all pretense of hiding it was over. She was a very obviously pregnant woman.

She looked at Mike uncomfortably and had no idea what he was doing there, and he seemed as though he didn’t know either.

“Hi” was all he said for the first minute. And then “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” she said noncommittally. “How are you?” She hadn’t seen him in more than two months, since the fatal day at the doctor’s when he had walked out and told her he just couldn’t do it. She hadn’t heard a word from him since, and hadn’t called him. She respected his right not to participate if that was how he felt about it. She had given him that option right from the beginning, when she told him.

“I’ve been all right. I’ve been thinking about you. Could we take a walk for a minute?” She nodded, and knew the others would deal with the dishwasher. Jean-Pierre was in the kitchen, and he had become more than just a sommelier. He did a lot of extra odd jobs to help her, and he scowled the moment he saw Mike and didn’t say hello. She and Mike started walking around the block together. She didn’t want the others to see her with him or listen to them talking. No men ever came to see her, and she didn’t want anyone to guess that he was the father of the baby, although Jean-Pierre had already guessed. But no one else had.

“I’m sorry I was such an asshole at the doctor’s,” Mike said simply. She nodded and didn’t look up at him. She didn’t really want to see him. But her heart was beating faster as she walked along beside him. And the baby was kicking like crazy. She had noticed that it did that whenever she got upset or excited about something, good or bad.

“It’s all right,” she said quietly. “I shouldn’t have asked you to come. You took me to dinner once, and all of a sudden, I wanted you to see our … the baby.” She didn’t want to offend him by calling the child theirs. It wasn’t. It was only hers now. She wanted it. He didn’t. Or she had accepted the baby, and she knew he never would. He had made that clear at the doctor’s and in his text message after, and his disappearance and silence since.

“I wanted to see it. That’s why I went,” he said as they stopped walking and sat down on a stoop. She looked him in the eye then for the first time, and it nearly tore her heart out. “And it was so real when I saw the sonogram, that it scared the hell out of me,” he continued. “It just seemed like more than I could handle.”

“I know,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry,” he said, suddenly looking agitated. “That’s what I came here today to say. I’ve been thinking about it for two months, and I know we didn’t want this, either of us, but it happened. Maybe it was meant to be. Maybe it’s destiny. I thought you were terrific the night I met you, even as drunk as I was. That’s why I went to bed with you. And I think I was starting to fall in love with you when I got to know you better and met your family. And that scared the hell out of me too. You’re everything I’ve avoided all my life. I spent five years with a woman and never really loved her, even though I said I did. That’s why I wouldn’t marry her and have kids with her. And you haven’t asked me for a goddamn thing. Nothing. When I walked out on you, which was rotten of me, you didn’t call, you didn’t plead, or beg or whine. You didn’t send me nasty emails and tell me what a jerk I am. You just went on with your life, dealing with this all alone. That’s pretty goddamn brave. You have more decency and integrity than anyone I know. I’ve thought of you constantly for the last two months, and our baby. And yes, it is our baby. It’s as much mine as yours, even if I ran away and was a coward. I was so goddamn scared we’d turn into my parents one day. And it took me two months to figure out that that’s never going to happen. You’re not my mother, you’re nothing like her. You’re everything she wasn’t and couldn’t be. And thank God, I’m not my father. And this baby isn’t going to be like my brother, dead at fifteen, because nobody ever took care of him or loved him. This is a whole different ballgame. April, you’re a wonderful woman. And I don’t know if I’m worthy of you, but I’d like to try to be. I’d like to see if we can make this relationship work. It’s a little bit ass-backward starting out with a baby, and then trying to figure out if we like each other. But if we do, maybe we can be a family one day. And even if we can’t, whatever happens, I’m this baby’s father. And who knows, maybe it’ll turn out to be the best thing that ever happened. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here, but if I promise not to be a shit and run out on you again, would you be willing to see me and see how this works for a while, and maybe we can figure out what we’re doing?”

“You don’t have to do that,” she said softly. “You don’t owe me anything. We were both stupid that night in September.”

“You were less stupid than I was. You thought you had the pregnancy thing covered.”

“I still forgot a pill or two, even without the effect of the antibiotic.”

“Then we were both stupid.” He smiled at her. “And even if I don’t have to do this, I want to. I want to get to know you, and the baby.” He looked nervous then, and she looked unsure about what he was saying. She had given up on him by then, and he could see it in her eyes. “Will you let me? I don’t deserve another shot at it, but I’d like to try. And if it scares the shit out of me and I can’t handle it, I’ll tell you. I won’t just run out on you like I did last time. I’ve been seeing a therapist, and I think that might make a difference.” She was impressed by the lengths he had gone to, to try to face this with her. His going to the therapist seemed like a major step to her and almost made her want to try, but she wasn’t sure. She wondered if he was capable of making a real commitment and staying involved.

“Did you come to see me because your therapist told you to, or because you wanted to?” She looked up at him with big wounded green eyes that ripped his heart out.

“He doesn’t know I’m here. I made the decision by myself last night.” She nodded, and then she looked at him again. She was happy to see him, but didn’t want to be too much so. She knew that if she hadn’t been pregnant, she probably wouldn’t have given him another chance. But she was pregnant, and in spite of her concerns