was happily married, and she said,
“We’ve had some problems,” purposely leaving the door open, wanting to keep this flirtation or whatever it was going, loving the way it made her feel, terrified to give it up. There was a long moment when they looked into each other’s eyes, and she saw his shift downward slightly, toward her lips. She checked the time on her cell phone and said, “I should really get-” and he reached out and held her hand- when was the last time a man besides her husband had held her hand in a romantic way?- and said, “Come back with me.” She told him she was extremely flattered but she couldn’t, and she insisted on paying for the drinks and left.
She barely slept that night. It hit her how truly unhappy she had become at home, and she couldn’t stop thinking about Tony and wishing she’d gone back to his place with him. She fantasized about him doing things to her until she couldn’t take it anymore and had to go into the guest bedroom and use her sex toy.
The next day Adam said he was working late again, and at around four fifteen Dana arrived at the gym, remembering Tony telling her he would be getting off work at five. Working out on the elliptical StairMaster, she looked in the mirror and saw Tony get distracted, checking out her ass several times while training a client.
At five to five she went up to Tony and said, “So does that offer still stand?” About ten minutes later, they were at his place, screwing against the wall, then on the living room floor. It was by far the hottest, rawest sex Dana had ever had. God, it had been more than twenty years since she’d had sex anywhere other than a bed. She’d never been with a guy so strong, so powerful, and it felt good to feel his strong hands pinning her down, squeezing her ass.
The fact that he wasn’t very bright and they had nothing in common made him even sexier. It reduced him to being a total sex object. He was just man- raw, simple man who gave her plea sure. She’d thought that so many things were missing in her marriage, that she and Adam had such underlying problems, but under that grunting bodybuilder, she felt like all she’d needed all along was to get laid.
In a few hours she had more sex than she’d had in the last two years with
Adam. Pathetic, but true.
She felt very guilty and conflicted afterward. She’d felt great with Tony, but now she felt like a horrible person, a liar, a slut. In the past she’d watch a movie and see a woman cheat on her husband and think, What a total idiot, and now, somehow, she’d become that woman. She’d been faithful to Adam for twentyseven years, including the time they’d been dating, and now she’d have to go through the rest of her life knowing that she’d been unfaithful. Making it worse, she knew this was totally one- sided; Adam would never even consider cheating on her. She didn’t plan to ever tell Adam, but how did she know Tony wouldn’t go bragging about his conquest in the gym? For all she knew he was sleeping with dozens of other unhappy married middle- aged women. Tony and Adam saw each other at the gym all the time; they weren’t very friendly, but they said hi to each other. She knew that if Adam somehow found out he’d never forgive her, and she was angry at herself for getting into this position. With one phone call, some young muscle- head trainer from the New York Sports Club had the power to ruin the rest of her life.
But this didn’t stop Dana from seeing Tony again. She met him a couple of days later, and then they started to see each other regularly, three or four times a week. She couldn’t stop thinking about him when they were apart, about how good it had felt to be taken away to a place so foreign that her normal life seemed dull in comparison. Sometimes they text- messaged each other or talked on the phone; although they had very little to say to each other, she got excited every time she saw his name flash on her phone or heard his voice. She felt like she was a teenager again, in her first relationship, and everything was fresh and exciting. To deal with her guilt, she told herself that she was having a fling, which somehow seemed more harmless than an actual affair. A fling felt like something she could compartmentalize, something that wasn’t potentially destructive. A fling was like a star that would shine briefly and brightly and then gradually peter out. She’d use the fling to help her get through this rocky pe riod in her marriage, and then everything would return to normal. Some days she was so sore from sex with Tony that if Adam came on to her she’d have to make up stories. I’m too tired. “I think I’m coming down with something. The constant lying was the worst part and was beginning to wear on her, overshadowing all the positives of the fling. Then Tony did something that told her it was really time to end it.
She came home from shopping one afternoon, and Gabriela, who was cleaning in the kitchen, said, “I think somebody like you, Mrs. Bloom.” Typically, since she’d gotten involved with Tony, Dana feared the worst, and her fight- or- flight mechanism kicked in. “What’re you talking about?” she snapped.
“Look in the dining room,” Gabriela said.
Oh shit, had Tony been to the house?
Dana went through the swinging doors, ready to scold Tony, tell him it was over, and then she saw the large, tacky bouquet of flowers on the dining room table. Well, it wasn’t as bad as him showing up, but it was almost as bad. She read the computer- printed note:
Hey you were fucking great last night baby You got a sensational body baby Love T-Bone!!!!
She called him up, furious, and he said he didn’t think he’d done anything wrong because he’d made sure the flowers would be delivered during the day when her husband was at work.
“How’d you know he’d be at work today?” he said. “What if he was home?” He admitted that, yeah, that probably hadn’t been such a great idea and promised he wouldn’t do anything like that again, but she saw this as a major wake- up call. He’d been getting reckless lately- texting her dozens of times a day and calling her a few times when Adam was home. She had a marriage to protect, but he was a single guy with nothing at stake, and it was starting to feel too unbalanced. Besides, he was getting too hooked on her, even saying the other night when they were lying in bed, “I think I’m falling in love with you.” There was no doubt about it- she definitely had to end the fling now, or things were going to spiral out of control.
She said to Gabriela, “Promise me you won’t say a word about this to Adam.”
“Don’t worry,” Gabriela said. “You can always trust me, Mrs. Bloom.”
The next day Dana went to the gym and told Tony there was something important she needed to talk to him about, and they went into the sales office. She knew he’d be upset and hoped that telling him in the gym would prevent a big scene. He got melodramatic, told her she was doing the wrong thing and he couldn’t live without her, but she managed to leave before the real begging started.
The breakup was hard for her, too, surprisingly hard. She didn’t miss him as much as she missed the idea of him, of having something exciting and unpredictable in her life. Suddenly being home with Adam felt excruciatingly dull; she felt like a prisoner serving a life sentence with no possibility of parole. She was back in her old rut, in her empty, meaningless, lonely life, living day to day, with nothing to look forward to.
Tony had left two phone messages and six text messages on her cell. He wasn’t taking the breakup well, and she wanted to call him, tell him she’d made a mistake, but she resisted and deleted all the messages without playing or reading them. God, this was even harder than when she’d quit smoking, but she knew she had to treat it exactly the same way, like she was breaking an addiction. The first days of getting over the addiction were always the hardest, and the trick was to stay strong, not give in. She was glad that she and Adam and Marissa were planning to go to Florida to visit Adam’s mother. Getting away from New York for a few days would be a huge help.
The next day she was home alone, and she felt the familiar intense urge to call Tony and arrange to meet at his place for a quickie during his lunch break. She fought it and called her friend Sharon instead and went over to her house a few blocks away for coffee. Keeping the fling a secret for so long had become draining, and Dana needed to talk to someone about it.
Opening up to Sharon was a big help. It made her feel like she’d done the right thing, ending it when she did, before it snowballed out of control.
Sharon told her, “You and Adam have invested so much time together, whatever you do don’t throw it away, especially for some guy you don’t even really like.”
Sharon’s words were like a refreshing blast of reality. Dana continued to delete all of Tony’s messages and managed to make it through the most difficult first few days. She spent more time with Adam; she met him in the city one night and they went out to their favorite Spanish restaurant in the West Village, and another night they stayed home and watched a movie together, cuddling on the couch.
They had to cancel their trip to Florida because of the tropical storm, but Dana didn’t feel the desperate need to get away anymore. Tony had gone a whole day without trying to contact her, and she was starting to think of the fling in the past tense. It had been fun for a while, but it had ended, and now it was time to repair her marriage.
