ignored?
She started crying, the tears flowing down her cheeks. She was leaning with her head against the wall at first, and then she sat on the floor with her head hanging between her legs. It had been years since she’d cried this hard, and she’d never felt so worthless, so helpless.
After maybe a half hour of intense sobbing, she felt numb and dazed. She didn’t want her marriage to be over. She knew things had gotten screwed up, beyond screwed up, but she didn’t think it was unsalvageable. Until today, things had been getting better, and it wasn’t like either of them had fallen in love, or was even in an active affair. She’d broken up with Tony and- apparently-Adam and Sharon had only been together that one time. In a way, her affair- and, yes, she was willing to admit that it had been an affair and not a mere fling- had been worse because, although he’d cheated on her with her best friend, she’d been with Tony dozens of times. He could rationalize what he’d done-we got caught up in the moment; it just happened- but what she’d done had been calculated and premeditated. If he could forgive her, then she didn’t see why she shouldn’t forgive him. Yes, they’d hurt each other, but a lot of married people hurt each other and worked things out; they didn’t run away.
Thirsty and worn out from all the crying, she went down to the kitchen. She was about to open the fridge when she heard TV noise coming from the living room. She approached cautiously and then saw Adam lying on the couch. She was behind him and he was facing the other direction, so he probably didn’t know she was there. She knew he wasn’t actually watching TV because Rachael Ray was on and he couldn’t stand Rachael Ray.
She was going to leave, give him some space, but she felt bad just standing there, not saying anything.
“How’s your face?” she asked.
He didn’t answer. She figured he was just ignoring her.
She waited a couple of minutes, watching Rachael Ray explain how to make “extra- chunky salsa,” and then she said, “I just want you to know it meant nothing to me. It was stupid, I have no idea why I did it. I think I should probably go back into therapy.”
She thought playing the therapy card would at least get a response, show him that she was willing to take responsibility for what she’d done, but he didn’t have any reaction.
She continued, “I still love you very much. I want to be together if you want to be together. I mean, we’ve been married twenty- three years. It’s crazy to just throw that all away without even trying to fix things.”
He still wouldn’t answer. She wondered if he was asleep, and she took a couple of steps into the room to get a better view of his face. Suddenly she had a horrible thought: He’s not asleep, he’s dead. For a few horrified moments she imagined the next few moments- touching his body, feeling his cold skin, her hysteria. Maybe he’d OD’d or slit his wrists. She expected to see a puddle of blood on the floor. Then she saw his eyes, and they looked wide open but lifeless.
“Adam.” She didn’t scream it, but she said it suddenly, like she was saying “Boo,” trying to scare him.
Adam’s head turned toward her, and she said, “Thank God.” Her pulse was pounding. “Sorry, I thought you were… never mind.”
He turned back toward the TV and resumed staring.
Dana remained there until her heart rate returned to something close to normal, and then she started to leave.
“I talked to Clements,” Adam said.
Dana stopped. “About what?”
Adam was still facing away from her, looking at Rachael Ray. “I told him about the note that…”He paused, as if struggling to find the right words, then said with disgust, “… that Tony left.”
Again Dana realized how badly she’d hurt Adam.
“What about it?” she asked weakly.
“What do you mean, what about it?” he snapped, sounding like he hated her. “It was almost exactly like the other note, the one that threatened to kill me.”
Dana hadn’t thought about this before- or at all, really- because she’d had so much other crap on her mind. Why would Tony have left a note threatening Adam’s life and claiming to be involved in the robbery? Tony might’ve been trying to harass Dana and her family, but leaving a note didn’t seem like something he’d do.
“Are you sure the notes looked the same?” Dana asked.
“Yes, I’m sure. It was the same paper, same print. Everything was the same.” “That would be weird,” Dana said.
“What?” Adam asked, though Dana knew he’d heard the first time and was trying to be harsh with her intentionally, to try to upset her.
“I don’t see why he would’ve done that,” she said.
“Clements asked me if Tony had ever been to the house,” Adam said. “Had he?”
Dana immediately thought about the bouquet of flowers. She didn’t want to tell Adam about this, afraid that it would lead to more questions about the past and that he’d accuse her of having sex with Tony in their house, in their bed, and she didn’t want to get into another big argument.
“No,” Dana said.
“Never?” Adam asked.
“As far as I know… no, never.”
“Did he know Gabriela?”
“How would he know her?”
“Did he know her or not?”
“I have no idea. I don’t see how he could’ve-”
“Do you think he could’ve robbed the house or not?”
“No,” Dana said.
“Why not?”
“I just don’t think it’s something he’d do.”
“Why not?”
“Because I just don’t.”
Adam was quiet for several seconds, then said, “I’ll call Clements and tell him. He said he’s gonna send somebody by later to pick up the note.”
Another several seconds passed, and then Dana, still talking to Adam’s back, said, “So what do you want to do?”
“About what?”
Again she felt like he knew full well and was trying to agitate her.
“What do you think?” she said. “I’m willing to work on it if you are. I feel awful about everything, and I know we have a lot to work out, but I think we can get through this. I mean, you see patients all the time in these situations, and you help them and they wind up staying in their marriages. People make mistakes, but it doesn’t have to be the end.”
“Sometimes it is the end,” Adam said.
The coldness in his voice sent the clear message that as far as he was concerned the conversation was over; there was no room for discussion.
Dana stood there for a while, stunned, and then she left before she started crying again.
Adam didn’t come to bed. Although he and Dana usually slept with a lot of space between them, barely touching, the bed still felt very empty without him, and she woke up several times during the night and cried into her pillow until she fell back asleep.
In the morning she woke up as Adam was closing one of the dresser drawers. He left the room immediately, probably going to shower in the guest bathroom. Later, when Dana heard the front door slam, she got out of bed.
She went downstairs. Adam hadn’t left any coffee for her, but this time she didn’t feel like it was passive- aggressive; it was just plain aggressive.
He’d also left bagel crumbs on the counter and hadn’t bothered to put his dishes in the sink. Then Dana noticed that he’d written something on the blackboard in the kitchen where they sometimes left notes for each other. She went closer and saw I want you to move out.
Dana cried for a long time, knowing there was nothing she could do or say to change Adam’s mind. She would try to talk to him again, but she knew it wouldn’t help. Sometimes it is the end.
