The worst part was that she was going through all of this entirely alone. Normally, Sharon would’ve been the only friend she’d feel comfortable talking to about something so personal and traumatic. She considered calling other friends, like Deborah, whom she’d grown up with in Dix Hills, Long Island, or Geri from the PTA, but she felt embarrassed and ashamed to actually say, “I’m getting a divorce.” She felt like saying the words would make it real, there’d be no turning back, and as soon as she told someone, word would get around the neighborhood, and there would be more drama. Everyone would be talking about her, even people she hardly knew. Did you hear Dana Bloom’s getting a divorce? Oh, no, that’s so terrible. Everyone talking about her like she was this poor defenseless thing, a victim. Being divorced would become her new identity because, after all, what other identity did she have? She had no career, no young children. Her life had no meaning.
Dana got back into bed and didn’t want to get up. She was more scared than depressed, but she was aware that a depression was setting in and had a feeling it would only get worse. There was no way she’d be able to get through the stress of moving out, finding a new apartment, and the legal and financial nightmare all alone. She needed to get back on Prozac. Talking to someone, a professional, would probably be a good idea, too. She convinced herself to call her psychiatrist, Dr. Feldman, whom she hadn’t seen in what, three years? She took the soonest appointment Feldman had, this coming Wednesday afternoon.
Sometime in the afternoon Dana heard Marissa come up the stairs and go into her room. Dana hadn’t really considered the effect the divorce would have on her daughter. Yes, Marissa was twenty- two, so it wasn’t exactly like having to explain the situation to a young child, but it was still going to be a big deal in her life. Dana suddenly felt extremely guilty- for deserting Marissa and for being a bad mother, especially lately. Since Marissa had moved back home, had Dana been there for her at all? No, she’d been off in her fantasy world with Tony, thinking about herself, as usual. Dana couldn’t believe that she’d been in such a fog, that she hadn’t seen the effect that the affair had been having not only on Adam and her marriage but on her entire family.
Dana got out of bed sluggishly. She knocked on Marissa’s door and then heard, “What is it?”
“I need to talk to you,” Dana said.
After a long pause Marissa said, “Come in.”
Dana entered and saw Marissa lying on her back in bed with her iPhone, texting someone. Suddenly she had a flashback of Marissa as a five- or six- year- old in the same bed, having a nightmare in the middle of the night and calling out, “Mommy!” Dana would always get up- Adam was such a deep sleeper, he would’ve let her cry all night- and get into bed with Marissa and hug her tightly and assure her that everything was going to be all right. Sometimes Marissa would fall right back asleep, but other times Dana would get into bed with her and tell her made- up stories about the adventures of Marissel and Marissel’s parents, Arthur and Diana. The characters were very thinly disguised versions of Dana, Adam, and Marissa, and at the end of each story, Marissel always wound up happy, home in bed, with her parents in the next room.
“What do you want?” Marissa asked, sounding irritated, like she often did lately.
“Can I sit down?” Dana asked.
“If you want to,” Marissa said. Then she added, “You don’t look good.”
Dana sat on the edge of the bed and said, “First of all, I’m sorry.”
“Sorry for what?”
“That you had to see all that yesterday. I know how… disturbing this must be for you.”
“Disturbing?” Marissa laughed sarcastically. “I just don’t know what took you guys so long.”
“You know?”
“Dad called me before and told me.”
“Told you what?” Dana was afraid that Adam was already bad- mouthing her.
“That you guys are getting a divorce, and I think it’s a good thing, to be honest. You two have been making each other miserable for years.”
“It hasn’t been years.”
“It’s been years,” Marissa said. “So why stay together if you can’t be happy? You should both go find people you’re, I don’t know, more compatible with.”
“It’s not so easy,” Dana said, not sure if she meant going through a divorce, finding another man, or both.
“Oh, come on,” Marissa said. “You’re hot. Even Xan said so.”
“Really?” Dana needed the ego boost.
“Yes, really. His exact quote was ‘Your mom’s hot.’ ”
“Well, that was very nice of him, he’s very sweet, but I’m not so confident about that. I think most men my age will be looking for women your age.”
“You didn’t have any trouble hooking up with that guy Tony, and he’s like, what, twenty years younger than you?”
“First of all, what happened between Tony and me was never serious, it’s important for you to know that. I know Dad’s going to make out to you like I got into this actual relationship with another man, that that’s why we’re getting divorced, but that’s not the way it is at all. I’m not leaving him. What’s happening between us is mutual; it’s not any one person’s fault. And I want you to know how sorry I am that you had to find out about it the way you did. I know how upsetting that must’ve been for you.”
“Oh, pa- leeze,” Marissa said. “You guys getting a divorce isn’t exactly a bombshell. Besides, I already knew about you and Tony.”
“You did? How?”
“Hillary heard you and Sharon talking about it the other day. I still can’t believe it, though, about Dad and Sharon. That was a real surprise. I mean, I just didn’t see that one coming at all.”
Dana’s eyes were getting teary, but she didn’t want to start crying again, especially not in front of Marissa. She had to look away.
“Don’t worry, Mom, it’s gonna be okay. I told Dad that I think that was so wrong that he hooked up with Sharon. I mean, she’s your friend, but Hillary’s my friend, and it’s just not right that he did that.”
Dana put an arm around Marissa and said, “I just want to make sure you’re okay with all of this. I don’t want you to have resentment, toward me or your father.”
“Stop thinking about me,” Marissa said. “Just do whatever you have to do, and I’ll be fine.”
Dana couldn’t hold back the tears now, and she leaned her head against her daughter’s shoulder and sobbed.
Dana went back to her bedroom and got back into bed. She eventually dozed. When she woke up she was surprised that it was past six fifteen and that she’d been asleep nearly three hours, because she didn’t feel at all rejuvenated.
Though she wasn’t hungry and didn’t feel like getting out of bed, she knew that eating something would probably be a good idea. She had mild hypoglycemia, and when she let her blood sugar get too low she got very anxious, irritable, and depressed.
Heading downstairs, she noticed that Marissa’s room was empty. At the bottom of the staircase, in the foyer, she called out, “Marissa,” but there was no answer. She probably went out to meet a friend or something.
Next door Blackie, the Millers’ German shepherd, was barking loudly. Sometimes Blackie started barking at the mailman or at other delivery people.
Dana went to the kitchen and made a sandwich: turkey breast with lettuce and tomato on whole wheat. She really wasn’t in the mood for food. She managed a few bites, then put the rest away in the fridge. She was loading the dishwasher when the back doorbell rang.
That was unusual. She and Adam and Marissa used the entrance occasionally, mainly when they parked in the driveway, but they almost always entered with a key. Her first thought was it was probably a delivery person, or Con Ed to inspect the meter. That would explain why Blackie was still barking so wildly. Dana wasn’t expecting any deliveries, though, and didn’t the Con Ed guy always ring the front doorbell?
She was too frazzled to think any of this through in any greater depth. She parted the curtain that covered the windowpane on the door and saw Xan. He was wearing dark sunglasses, and when he saw her peering through the glass he smiled widely and gave her a little wave.
She immediately let go of the curtain and thought, Shit. She couldn’t let him in looking like this again. She was in a ratty T-shirt and baggy sweats and wasn’t wearing a stitch of makeup.
