Fellowship in Lothlorien. Oh god, Galadriel Galadriel Galadriel. It's always about HER. Paint my toenails, Sauron. Don't touch my hair, Sauron. I want a pretty ring, Sauron. Then she goes off with slabbish oaf Celeborn. Bet HE cannot forge twenty rings of Power.
Suspect bitch-slap fight brewing between Galadriel and Legolas as to which of them can nance around better while holding water pitcher. Cannot help but roll my eye over this. Time to toss some Jiffy Pop into Mount Doom and watch the fireworks.
later
Well, would you look at that dwarf getting it on with Celeborn. I tell you, three Million years on Middle-Earth and some things still surprise me.
Finally some decent fighting. Orcs killed: four hundred, v. bad. Humans killed: one. Go Uruk-Hai!
Is it just me, or is Aragorn son of Arathorn kinda gay?
Maybe is just me.
The Very Secret Diary of Aragorn, son of Arathorn, Part Two
Ran forty miles across Rohan. No squirrels to eat. Gimli looking about roasting size. Have been told dwarf tastes like chicken. Still not King.
Stubble update: satisfactory.
Ran into army of Rohirrim. Asked Eomer if he knew where hobbits were. Got v. cagey answer. Perhaps Eomer still mad about that last bender I went on where I painted rude words in Elvish all over his horse. Decided not to mention he has obviously copied hairstyle from Legolas. He wouldn't be giving me this attitude if I were King.
Once you've seen one pile of smoking dead Orcs, you've seen 'em all. That's all I'm sayin.'
Ran into Gandalf. Turns out he did not actually die but instead was forced by Balrog to sell out to laundry detergent company and is now Gandalf the Sparkly White. PR whore. Next thing he'll be charging for pointy hat trick.
In Edoras. King Theoden giving me attitude. He was all, 'Are you King here? Last time I checked, I was King here. I'm lookin' around and I don't see anyone else with a crown on his head. Eh? Eh?'
Was forced to admit I am indeed still not King.
In revenge, stole his wallet when he was not looking and used it to open charge account at Gap of Rohan. Have bought matching poke bonnets for Gimli and Legolas.
Suspect Eowyn fancies me. Cannot blame her as stubble so manly is turning even self on.
Fell over cliff. Stupid wolves of Isengard. Think was rescued by Arwen but when woke up was kissing my horse. Bit of a squick there. Have lost favorite sparkly necklace in river. Feeling v. petulant as there is no such thing as bad jewelry. Well, maybe Ring.
Stubble update: wet.
Triumphant return to Helm's Deep. Got hugged by Gimli. As if I needed to be reminded that he is belt buckle height yet again. Necklace returned to me by Legolas, yay! He muttered something in Elvish that could have been 'You're late' or could have been 'Throw me down and shag me rotten.' Not entirely sure which. Must brush up on Elvish as do not wish to presume.
Still not King but too busy keeping up men's morale to brood. Upcoming battle should be piece of cake, really.
Standing on battlements of Helm's Deep. Absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Who are we kidding anyway. We are so fucked. Perhaps this place has a side door.
Elves have sent army of most willowy and graceful warriors to assist us. Will be no use at fighting of course but at least I will die looking at something pretty. Theoden keeps muttering, 'It's unbelievable!' about elf army. Was forced to agree — it is unbelievable that Haldir's eyebrows do not match his weave.
Keep trying to sneak out side door, but Gimli following me everywhere. Will never be King at this rate.
Unexpectedly victorious in battle of Helm's Deep, but celebration ruined by obnoxious postcard from Faramir, which included picture of himself on beaches of Osgiliath with tiny Ringbearer and fat companion, sharing a pina colada and wearing colorful shorts. Postcard reads:
Dear Aragorn,
Thanks for the Ring and the hobbits. They are small, but v. bendy. Just what I always wanted! Still have fond memories of that night we spent together in Minas Tirith. Love and kisses,
God damn Faramir. Might as well just have let Boromir have the Ring and cut out the middleman. At least I know Sam will kill him if he tries anything.
Still not King.
The Very Secret Diary of Theoden
Desperately in need of new personal assistant. Have contacted Ninety Minute Minion Services in Isengard. Seems best bet as if minion does not arrive in ninety minutes you get free Orc. Do not actually know what would do with Orc if had one, so do hope minion arrives on time.
New minion arrived. Not best looking bloke I've ever clapped eyes on, but then again, not everyone can be brainless pretty boy with big show-off ponytail like Eomer. Little does Eomer know Wormtongue has promised me new makeover with Saruman's personal line of beauty products. Has promised me I will look fresh and youthful.
Is that a grey hair?
New makeover gone horribly awry. Do not look fresh and youthful, instead resemble albino dwarf after two years pickling in the Dead Marshes.
Suspect Wormtongue has crush on Eowyn. Cannot blame him as Eowyn quite smoking. Don't know where she gets off being so high and mighty. Have told her — pose for Shield Maidens Gone Wild you must expect some male attention.
