Why has no one noticed I now resemble a weevil? Not has Eomer commented on my new mascara. Eomer so spoiled. 'I want a party. I want a pony.' Have banished him from Rohan for whining.
Have reversed opinion on makeover. Am now quite taken with new look, as is so alarming no one bothers me. Can sit on throne all day in peace. Much needed vacation. Citizens of Edoras so tiresome and unhygenic.
Vacation over. Gandalf arrived sporting alarming new makeover of his own. Gandalf no fun. Cannot abide anyone else having new and daring look. Prima Donna!
Brought along three boy toys of varying sizes. My squadron of hand picked bodyguards totally whupped by tiny hairy newt, pretty boy elf and unshaven tramp. Obviously, need better screening process.
Attacked by Orcs. Aragorn 'No Skillz 2 Pay Da Billz' Son of Arathorn fell over cliff, thus avoiding sticking around for battle. So much for Hero King of Men.
Have arrived at Helms Deep. Time for a nice long nap.
Nap disturbed by return of Aragorn, who is not so dead after all. Apparently, absolutely ridiculous number of Orcs headed this way. Morale of men not improved by Aragorn's craven attempts to sneak away through side door. Have misdirected him to wine cellar three times now. If I am not getting away from this, neither is he. Is all his fault anyway.
Am not sure how, but it is.
Where is the horse and the rider? No, seriously, where are they? That was my favorite horse.
Losing battle spectacularly. Who is surprised? Not me.
Heroic self-sacrificing death scene ruined by arrival of Gandalf and still-insufferable Eomer. Why did Gandalf wait until dawn to arrive? Suspect is so he would be most attractively backlit while riding down hill. Drama Queen. Have gotten revenge on him by telling all my men Gandalf is wearing fishnets under white robe. First one who snaps his garter gets to snog Legolas.
Who wields the flame of Arnor now, you poncy tosser?
The Very Secret Diary of Legolas
Whee!
I like to run!
I look good when I run!
I also look good standing still. Running across Riddermark v. good excercise. I swear my butt has just gotten firmer. Is that even possible?
Is Gimli staring at my butt?
No wonder he's always lagging behind.
Unnerving moment when bumped into Eomer. Thought he might be prettier than me until he took off helmet. Fortunately he looks like an aardvark. He hit on Gimli but I warned him right off. Nobody tries it on with my dwarf.
Am still the prettiest.
Pile of dead and smoking Orc corpses so not pretty. Aragorn showed off and went on and on regarding hobbits laying about tied up. Do not know why he thinks kinky hobbit games so important.
Still prettiest.
Bother! Fangorn Forest. Leaf mold terrible for my complexion.
Still prettiest but a bit on clammy, unwashed side.
Bumped into Gandalf who is all sparkly white now. Asked him, 'Who do you have to blow to get last bottle of bleach in Middle Earth anyway?' Gandalf said, 'The Balrog.' So not worth it.
Am rethinking, though. Roots are showing.
Still prettiest although at this rate for how long?
Asked Gandalf for Balrog's number. Gandalf said I couldn't call him. I told him not to be jealous and posessive. He said he wasn't, it was just that he killed Balrog last week.
Note to self: never date Gandalf.
Arrived in Edoras. V. upset. Suspect Eowyn may be prettier than me. Most unexpected as always thought shield-maidens were more hefty, pear-shaped types.
Not the prettiest! V. bitter.
Aragorn stood up to Theoden today. Aragorn so butch. Have goosebumps.
Poke bonnet absolutely hideous. No longer even remotely pretty. Considering suicide.
Exeunt Aragorn, pursued by wolves of Isengard. On con side: Am stuck with ugly necklace. On pro side: No longer have to wear poke bonnet. Am pretty again!
Aragorn back. Apparently taking header off cliff not as deadly as one would have thought. Told him to throw me down and shag me senseless, but he just clapped me on the shoulder in a manly fashion and said, 'Yeah, it can get a little chapped sometimes but just put some lotion on it.'
Aragorn just kind of a wanker, really.
Battle of Helm's Deep so embarassing. If was not bad enough to face thought of death at the hands of smelly Orcs in backwater rural province, have now been saved at zero hour by Haldir showing up with really bad weave.
On plus side, Eowyn stuck in rancid cave. Perhaps will develop cave blight. Then I will be prettiest forever.
Battle over. Gandalf always fashionably late it seems. Hopes for after-battle quickie dashed because Aragorn sulking over postcard from Faramir. Is jealous over Ringbearer. Told him Sam will kill Faramir if he tries anything but Aragorn not cheered up.
Sod him. Have received suggestive note from Eomer. Will go see if what they say about men of Riddermark is actually true.
