tub of female musk. And then, on the horizon of my mind I
could spot it—desire was gathering strength, readying to
rear its head again.That was the moment. Suddenly my life
made me sick, and I began to vomit. And it was then,”
Philip turned to Julius, «when your comment about my
epitaph came to mind. Andthat was when I realized that
Schopenhauer was right: life is forever a torment, and
desire is unquenchable. The wheel of torment would spin
forever; I had to find a way to get off the wheel, and it was
then I deliberately set about patterning my life after his.»
«And it`s worked for you all these years?» said
Julius.
«Until now, until this group.»
«But you`re so much better now, Philip,” said
Bonnie. «You`re so much more in touch, so much more
approachable. I`ll tell you the truth—the way you were
when you first started here...I mean I could never have
imagined me or anyone else consulting you as a counselor.»
«Unfortunately,” Philip responded, «being вЂ?in touch`
here means that I must share everyone`s unhappiness. That
simply compounds my misery. Tell me, how can this
�being in touch` possibly be useful? When I was �in life` I
was miserable. For the past twelve years I have been a
visitor to life, an observer of the passing show, and»—
Philip spread his fingers and raised and lowered his hands
for emphasis—«I have lived in tranquillity. And now that
this group has compelled me to once again be �in life,` I am
once again in anguish. I mentioned to you my agitation
after that group meeting a few weeks ago. I have not
regained my former equanimity.»
«I think there`s a flaw in your reasoning, Philip,”
said Stuart, «and that has to do with your statement that you
were вЂ?in life.`”
Bonnie leaped in, «I was going to say the same thing.
I don`t believe you were ever in life, notreally in life.
You`ve never talked about having a real loving
relationship. I`ve heard nothing about male friends, and, as
for women, you say yourself that you were a predator.»
«That true, Philip?» asked Gill. «Have there never
been any real relationships?»
Philip shook his head. «Everyone with whom I`ve
interacted has caused me pain.»
«Your parents?» asked Stuart.
«My father was distant and, I think, chronically
depressed. He took his own life when I was thirteen. My
mother died a few years ago, but I had been estranged from
her for twenty years. I did not attend her funeral.»
«Brothers? Sisters?» asked Tony.
Philip shook his head. «An only child.»
«You know what comes to my mind?» Tony
interjected. «When I was a kid, I wouldn`t eat most things
my mother cooked. I`d always say �I don`t like it,` and
she`d always come back with �How do you know you don`t
like it if you`ve never tasted it?` Your take on life reminds
me of that.»
«Many things,” Philip replied, «can be known by
virtue of pure reason. All of geometry, for example. Or one
may have some partial exposure to a painful experience and
extrapolate the whole from that. And one may look about,
read, observe others.»
«But your main dude, Schopenhauer,” said Tony,
«didn`t you say he made a big deal about listening to your
own body, of relying on—what did you say?—your instant
experience?»
«Immediate experience.»
«Right,immediate experience. So wouldn`t you say
you`re making a major decision on second–rate,
secondhand info—I mean info that`s not your own
immediate experience?»
«Your point is well taken, Tony, but I had my fill of
direct experience after that вЂ?confession day` session.»
«Again you go back to that session, Philip. It seems
to have been a turning point,” said Julius. «Maybe it`s time
to describe what happened to you that day.»
As before, Philip paused, inhaled deeply, and then
proceeded to relate, in a methodical manner, his experience
after the end of that meeting. As he spoke of his agitation
and his inability to marshal his mind–quieting techniques,
he grew visibly agitated. Then, as he described how his
mental flotsam did not drift away but lodged in his mind,
drops of perspiration glistened on his forehead. And then,
as Philip spoke of the reemergence of his brutish, rapacious
self, a pool of wetness appeared in the armpits of his pale
red shirt and rivulets of sweat dripped from his chin and
nose and down his neck. The room was very still; everyone
was transfixed by Philip`s leakage of words and of water.
He paused, took another deep breath, and continued:
«My thoughts lost their coherence; images flooded pell–mell into my mind: memories I had long forgotten. I
remembered some things about my two sexual encounters
with Pam. And I saw her face, not her face now but her
face of fifteen years ago, with a preternatural vividness. It
was radiant; I wanted to hold it and...” Philip was prepared
to hold nothing back, not his raw jealousy, not the caveman
mentality of possessing Pam, not even the image of Tony
with the Popeye forearms, but he was now overcome by a
massive diaphoresis, which soaked him to the skin. He
stood and strode out of the room saying, «I`m drenched; I
have to leave.»
