self–absorbed to acknowledge you. For that I`m sorry.»
Gill accepted the apology. «And what about the
feedback I`ve given you? Was any of it helpful?»
«Well, your termchief justice shook me up for days.
It hit home; it made me think. But the thing that sticks most
in my mind was when you said John refused to leave his
wife not because of cowardice but because he didn`t want
to deal with my rage.That got to me,really got me thinking.
I couldn`t get your words out of my mind. And you know
what? I decided you were dead right and John was right to
turn away from me. I lost him not because ofhis deficits but
because of mine—he had had enough of me. A few days
ago I picked up the phone, called him, and said these things
to him.»
«How`d he take it?»
«Very well—after he picked himself off the floor.
We ended up having a nice amiable talk: catching up,
discussing our courses, mutual students, talking about
doing some joint teaching. It was good. He told me I
sounded different.»
«That`s great news, Pam,” said Julius. «Letting go of
anger is major progress. I agree you`ve too much
attachment to your hates. I wish we could take an internal
snapshot of this letting–go process for future reference—to
see exactly how you did it.»
«It was all nonvolitional. I think your maxim—strike
when the iron is cold!—had something to do with it. My
feelings about John have cooled enough to step back and
permit rational thought.»
«And what about» asked Rebecca, «your attachment
to your Philip–hatred?»
«I think you`ve never appreciated the monstrous
nature of his actions to me.»
«Not true. I felt for you...Iached for you when you
first described it—an awful, awful experience. But fifteen
years? Usually things cool in fifteen years. What keepsthis
iron red–hot?»
«Last night—during a very light sleep—I was
thinking about my history with Philip and had this image of
reaching into my head and grabbing the entire awful cluster
of thoughts about him and smashing it on the floor. Then I
saw myself bending over, examining the fragments. I could
see his face, his seedy apartment, my soiled youth, my
disillusionment with academic life, I saw my lost friend
Molly—and as I looked at this heap of wreckage I knew
what had happened to me was just...just...unforgivable.»
«I remember Philip saying that unforgiving and
unforgivable were two different things,” said Stuart.
«Right, Philip?»
Philip nodded.
«Not sure I get that,” said Tony.
«Unforgivable,” said Philip, «keeps the responsibility
outside of oneself, whereas unforgiving places the
responsibility on one`s own refusal to forgive.»
Tony nodded. «The difference between taking the
responsibility for what you do or blaming it on someone
else?»
«Precisely,” said Philip, «and, as I`ve heard Julius
say, therapy begins when blame ends and responsibility
emerges.»
«Quoting Julius again, Philip, I like it,” said Tony.
«You make my words sound better than I do,” said
Julius. «And again I experience you drawing closer. I like
that.»
Philip smiled almost imperceptibly. When it was
clear he was not planning to respond further, Julius
addressed Pam: «Pam, what are you feeling?»
«To be honest, I`m floored by how hard everyone
struggles to see change in Philip. He picks his nose, and
everyone oohs and aahs. It`s a joke how his pompous and
trite remarks arouse such reverence.» Mimicking Philip,
she said in a singsong cadence, «Therapy begins when
blame ends and responsibility emerges.»Then, in a raised
voice: «And what aboutyour responsibility, Philip? Not a
goddamn word about it except some bullshit about all your
brain cells changing and therefore it wasn`t you who did
anything. No,you weren`t there.»
After an awkward silence, Rebecca said softly,
«Pam, I want to point out that youare able to forgive.
You`ve forgiven a lot of things. You said you forgave me
for my excursion into prostitution.»
«No victim there—except you,” responded Pam
quickly.
«And,” continued Rebecca, «we`ve all taken note of
how you forgave Julius, instantly, for his indiscretions. You
forgave him without knowing or inquiring whether some of
his friends were injured by his actions.»
Pam softened her voice. «His wife had just died. He
was in shock. Imagine losing someone you had loved since
high school. Give him a break.»
Bonnie pitched in, «You forgave Stuart for his sexual
adventure with a troubled lady and even forgave Gill for
withholding his alcoholism from us for so long. You`ve
done a lot of forgiving. Why not Philip?»
Pam shook her head. «It`s one thing to forgive
someone for an offense to someone else—quite another
thing when you`re the victim.»
The group listened sympathetically but nonetheless
continued. «And, Pam,” said Rebecca, «I forgive you for
