audience today. I intended my lecture for you alone,” said Philip, who in no way seemed
discomfited by holding a conversation with someone thirty feet away in a cavernous
deserted auditorium.
«All right, I`ll bite. Why am I your audience today?»
«Think about it, Dr. Hertzfeld...”
«I`d prefer you`d call me Julius. If I refer to you as Philip, and I`m assuming that`s
okay with you, then it`s only right that you call me Julius. Ah, dГ©jГ vu all over again—
how clearly I recall saying so very very long ago, вЂ?Call me Julius, please—we`re not
strangers.`”
«I am not on a first–name basis with my clients because I am their professional
consultant, not their friend. But, as you wish, Julius it is. I`ll start again. You inquire why
you alone are my intended audience. My answer is that I am merely responding to your
request for help. Think about it, Julius, you came to see me with a request for an
interview and embedded in that request were other requests.»
«Oh?»
«Yes. Let me expand upon this matter. First, there was a tone of urgency in your
voice. It was particularly important to you that I meet with you. Obviously, your request
did not arise from simple curiosity about how I was doing. No, you wanted something
else. You mentioned that your health was imperiled, and, in a sixty–five–year–old man,
that means you must be confronting your death. Hence, I could only assume that you
were frightened and searching for some kind of consolation. My lecture today is my
response to your request.»
«An oblique response, Philip.»
«No more oblique than your request, Julius.»
«TouchГ©! But, as I recall, you`ve never minded obliquity.»
«And I`m comfortable with it now. You made a request for help, and I responded
by introducing you to the man who, of all men, can be most helpful to you.»
«And so your intent was to offer me solace by describing how Mann`s dying
Buddenbrooks received comfort from Schopenhauer?»
«Precisely. And I offered that to you only as an appetizer, a sampler of what is to
come. There is a great deal that I, as your guide to Schopenhauer, can offer you, and I
would like to make a proposal.»
«A proposal? Philip, you continue to surprise. My curiosity is piqued.»
«I`ve completed my course work in a counseling program and all other
requirements to obtain a state counseling license, except that I need two hundred more
hours of professional supervision. I can continue practicing as a clinical philosopher—
that field is not regulated by the state—but a counselor`s license would offer me a
number of advantages, including the ability to buy malpractice insurance and to market
myself more effectively. Unlike Schopenhauer, I have neither an independent source of
financial support nor any secure academic support—you`ve seen with your own eyes the
disinterest in philosophy displayed by the clods who attend this pigsty of a university.»
«Philip, why must we shout to one another? The lecture is over. Would you mind
taking a seat and continuing this discussion more informally.»
«Of course.» Philip collected his lecture notes, stuffed them into his briefcase, and
eased into a seat in the front row. Though they were closer, four rows of seats still
separated them, and Philip was forced to swivel his neck awkwardly to see Julius.
«So, am I correct in assuming that you propose a swap—I supervise you and you
teach me about Schopenhauer?» Julius now asked in a low voice.
«Right!» Philip turned his head but not enough to make eye contact.
«And you`ve given thought to the precise mechanics of our arrangement?»
«I`ve given much thought to it. In fact, Dr. Hertzfeld...”
«Julius.»
«Yes, yes—Julius. What I was going to say is that I`d been considering the idea of
calling you for several weeks to try to arrange supervision but kept putting it off,
primarily for financial reasons. So I was startled by the remarkable coincidence of your
call. As for mechanics, I suggest meeting weekly and splitting our hour: half the time you
provide expert advice about my patients, and half the time I am your guide to
Schopenhauer.»
Julius closed his eyes and lapsed into thought.
Philip waited two or three minutes and then: «What say you to my offer? Even
though I`m certain no students will appear, I`m scheduled for office hours after my
lecture and so must head back to the administration building.»
«Well Philip, it`s not your everyday offer. I need more time to think it through.
Let`s meet later this week. I take off Wednesday afternoons. Can you do four o`clock?»
Philip nodded. «I finish at three on Wednesday. Shall we meet in my office?»
«No, Philip. My office. It`s in my home at two–forty–nine Pacific Avenue, not too
far from my old office. Here, take my card.»
Excerpts from Julius`s Journal
After his lecture Philip`s proposal for a supervision–tutoring swap stunned me.
How quickly one moves back into the familiar force field of another person! So much like
the state–dependent memories in dreams in which the landscape`s eerie familiarity
reminds you that you`ve visited the identical locale before in other dreams. Same with
marijuana—a couple of hits and suddenly you`re in a familiar place thinking familiar
thoughts that exist only in the marijuana state.
And it`s the same with Philip. Only a little time in his presence and—presto—my
deep memories of him plus a peculiar Philip–induced state of mind reappear in a flash.
How arrogant, how disdainful he is. How uncaring about others. And yet there is
something, something strong—I wonder what?—that draws me to him. His intelligence?
His loftiness and otherworldliness coupled to such extraordinary naГЇvetГ©? And how
unchanged he is after twenty–two years. No, that`s not true! He`s liberated from the
sexual compulsion, no longer doomed to walk nose–to–ground forever sniffing for pussy.
He lives much more in the higher places he`s always longed for. But his
manipulativeness—that`s still there, and so patent, and he`s so clueless about its
visibility, about how I should leap at his offer, how I should give him two hundred hours
of my time in return for his teaching me Schopenhauer, and brazenly presenting it as
though it was I who suggested it, who want and need it. Can`t deny that I have some
slight interest in Schopenhauer, but spending a couple hundred hours with Philip to learn
about Schopenhauer right now is low on my wish list. And if that excerpt he read about
the dying Buddenbrooks is a prime example of what Schopenhauer has to offer me, then it
leaves me cold. The idea of rejoining the universal oneness without any persistence of me
and my memories and unique consciousness is the coldest of comfort. No, it`s no comfort
at all.
And what draws Philip to me? That`s another question. That crack the other day
about the twenty thousand dollars he wasted on his therapy with me—maybe he is still
looking for some return on his investment.
Supervise Philip? Make him a legitimate, kosher therapist? There`s a dilemma. Do
I want to sponsor him? Do I want to give him my blessing when I don`t believe that a
hater (and heisa hater) can help anyone grow?
