«Well, the observation is that you`re just not respecting anything he offers.»
«I know what Julius would say about that, Gill,” said Rebecca. «It`s still not an
observation; it`s a guess about his feelings. What I observe»—she turned to Julius—«is
that this is the first time you and Philip have addressed one another even halfway directly
and that you have interrupted Philip a few times today, something I never see you do with
anyone else.»
«TouchГ©, Rebecca,” answered Julius. «Right on—a direct and accurate
observation.»
«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not getting the picture at all. You and Philip—what`s
going on?—I don`t get it. Is he right when he says you phoned him out of the blue?»
Julius sat with his head bowed for a few minutes and then said, «Yes, I can see
how confusing this must be for all of you. Okay, here it is straight. Or as straight as my
memory permits. After my diagnosis, I fell into real despair. I felt I had gotten a death
sentence, and I was staggered by it. Among other dark thoughts I began to question
whether anything I had done in my life had any enduring meaning whatsoever. I slogged
around in that question for a day or two, and, since my life is so intertwined with my
work, I began thinking of patients I`d seen in the past. Had I really, permanently, affected
anyone`s life? I felt I had no time to waste, and so, on the spot, I decided to contact some
of my old patients. Philip was the first person, and so far the only one, I reached.»
«And why select Philip?» asked Tony.
«That`s the sixty–four–thousand–dollar question—or maybe that`s dated—is it the
sixty–four–million–dollar question these days? Short answer: I`m not sure. I`ve wondered
about it a lot. It wasn`t smart of me because if I wanted reassurance of my worth, there
are a lot of better candidates. Try as hard as I did for a full three years, I didn`t help
Philip. Maybe I was hoping that he would report some delayed effect of therapy—some
patients report such a thing. But it didn`t turn out that way for him. Maybe I was being
masochistic—wanted to rub my nose in it. Maybe I chose my biggest failure in order to
give myself a second chance. I admit it—I frankly don`t know my motives. And then
during the course of our discussion Philip told me of his career change and asked if I
would be willing to be his supervisor. Philip,” Julius turned to face Philip, «I assume you
filled the group in on this?»
«I provided the necessary details.»
«Can you be a little more cryptic?»
Philip looked away, the rest of the group looked uncomfortable, and after a long
silence Julius said, «I apologize for the sarcasm, Philip, but can you see where your
answer left me?»
«As I said, I provided the necessary details to the others,” Philip said.
Bonnie turned to face Julius: «I`ll be upfront. This feels unpleasant, and I`m
rescuing you. I don`t think you need to be hassled today—I think you need to be taken
care of. Please, what can we do for you, today?»
«Thanks, Bonnie, you`re right, I am shaky today—your question`s a lovely one,
but I`m not sure I can answer it. I`ll tell you all a big secret: there have been times I`ve
entered this room feeling bad because of some personal issues and left feeling better just
as a result of being a part of this terrific group. So maybe that`s the answer to your
question. The best thing for me is simply for all of you to use the group and not let my
situation bring us to a total stop.»
After a short silence Tony said, «Tough assignment with what`s gone down today.»
«Right,” said Gill. «It`ll feel awkward to talk about anything else.»
«These are the times I miss Pam,” said Bonnie. «She was the one who always knew
what to do—no matter how awkward the situation.»
«Funny, I was thinking about her earlier too,” said Julius.
«It must be telepathy,” said Rebecca. «Just a minute ago Pam went through my
mind also. It was when Julius talked about successes and failures.» She turned to Julius:
«I know she was your favorite child in our family here—and that`s not a question—it`s so
obvious. What I`m wondering is whether you feel like you failed with her—you know,
her taking a couple of months off to seek another kind of therapy because we couldn`t
help her. That can`t be great for your self–esteem.»
Julius gestured toward Philip. «Maybe you should fill him in.»
«Pam`s a real force here,” Rebecca said to Philip, who did not meet her eyes. «Both
her marriage and a relationship with a lover fell apart. She decided to leave her marriage
but then the lover opted not to leave his wife. She got upset with both men and obsessed
about them day and night. Try as we could, we never found a way to help her. In
desperation she took off for India to seek help from a famous guru at a Buddhist
meditation retreat.»
Philip made no response.
Rebecca turned back to face Julius. «So how did you feel about her taking off?»
«You know, up to about fifteen years ago I would have been very uptight—more
than that, I might even have taken a strong stand against it and insisted that her search for
another form of enlightenment was just resistance to change. I`ve changed. Now I feel I
need all the help I can get. And I`ve found that participation in some other mode of
growth, even flaky stuff, can often open up new areas for our therapeutic work. And I
sure hope that will be true for Pam.»
«It may have been not a flaky but an excellent choice for her,” said Philip.
«Schopenhauer felt positive about Eastern meditative practice and its emphasis on mind
clearing, on seeing through illusion, and its approach to relieving suffering by teaching
the art of letting go of attachments. In fact, he was the first to introduce Eastern thought
into Western philosophy.»
Philip`s comment was made to no one in particular, and no one responded. Julius
felt irritated about hearing Schopenhauer`s name so often but kept it to himself as he
noted several members nodding in appreciation of Philip`s remarks.
After a brief silence Stuart commented, «Shouldn`t we go back to where we were a
few minutes ago when Julius said that what would be best for him would be for us to get
to work in the group?»
«I agree,” said Bonnie, «but where to start? How about a follow–up on you and
your wife, Stuart? Last we heard she e–mailed you that she was thinking of leaving the
marriage.»
«It`s settled down and we`re back to status quo. She`s keeping her distance, but at
least things are no worse. Let`s see what else is pending in the group.» Stuart looked
around the room. «I can think of two items. Gill, how about you and Rose—what`s been
happening there? And, Bonnie, you said earlier today you had something to work on, but
it felt too trivial.»
«I want to pass today,” said Gill, looking downward. «I took too much time last
week. But the bottom line is defeat and capitulation. I`m ashamed to be back home in the
same situation. All that good advice from Philip, from all of you, was wasted on me. How
about you, Bonnie?»
«My stuff feels like small potatoes today.»
«Remember my version of Boyle`s law,” said Julius. «A small amount of anxiety
will expand to fill our whole anxiety cavity. Your anxiety feels just as awful as anxiety in
others that comes from more obviously calamitous sources.» He looked at his watch.
