supreme confidence he enjoyed because he believed himself a vessel carrying the
cargo of forgiveness straight from the man upstairs. And how puny my own
techniques seemed in comparison. But later, after leaving the church, I came out
of it by reassuring myself that at least I was living according to principles of
reason and not infantilizing my patients by representing mythology as reality.»
After a short silence, Pam said to Julius, «You know what, Julius?
Something`s changed. You`re different from the way you were before I left.
Telling stories about your life, stating opinions on religious belief, whereas you
always avoided such things in the past. I gather it`s the effect of your illness, but,
nonetheless, I like it. I really like your being more personal.»
Julius nodded. «Thanks. That silence gave me a sinking feeling that I had
offended some religious sensibilities here.»
«Not mine, Julius, if you`re worried about me,” said Stuart. «Those polls
that say that ninety percent of Americans believe in God leave me bewildered. I
left the church in my teens, and if I hadn`t then, I would leave now after what`s
come out about priests and pedophilia.»
«Nor mine,” said Philip. «You and Schopenhauer have something in
common regarding religion. He believed the church leaders exploited man`s
ineradicable need for the metaphysical and that they infantilized the public and
dwelled themselves in a state of perpetual deception by refusing to confess they
had deliberately cloaked their truths in allegory.»
Philip`s comment interested Julius, but, noticing that only a few minutes
remained, he steered the group back to process. «A lot happened today. A lot of
risks were taken. Feelings? Some of you have been very quiet—Pam? Philip?»
«It hasn`t escaped me,” Philip said quickly, «that what has been revealed
here today, what has caused so much needless torment, for me, for others, flows
from the supreme and universal power of sex, which my other therapist,
Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,
hardwired into us.
«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited
them in lectures. Let me quote a few: �[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all
motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every
hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human
minds.` �Sex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the
investigations of the learned—`”
«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak
aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.
«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: вЂ?Every day it
destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those
who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I
wanted to say; I`m finished.»
«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to
confront Philip.
Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow
sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural
acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating
ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»
After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s
pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.
What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when
I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough
place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»
«I feel as much respect for you as ever, Stuart. And don`t forget that I`m
sensitized to this issue. I was exploited by a doctor—Earl, my soon–to–be ex–husband, was my gynecologist.»
«Exactly,” said Stuart. «That compounds it. «How can you forgive me
without also forgiving both Philip and Earl?»
«Not true, Stuart. You`re a moral person—after listening to you today and
hearing of your remorse, I feel that way even more. And that incident in the
Miami hotel doesn`t grab me—ever readFear of Flying ?»
Seeing Stuart shake his head, Pam went on, «Take a look at the book. Erica
Jong would call what you had a simple �zipless fuck`; it was mutual, spontaneous
coupling, you were kind, no one got hurt, you took responsibility to make sure she
was okay afterward. And you`ve used the incident as a moral compass since then.
But Philip? What can one say about a man who models himself after Heidegger
and Schopenhauer? Of all philosophers who ever lived, those were the two who
were the most abject failures as human beings. What Philip did was unforgivable,
predatory, without remorse—”
Bonnie interrupted, «Hold on, Pam, did you notice that when Julius tried to
stop Philip, he absolutely insisted on one more sentence about sex robbing the
person of conscience and destroying relationships. I wonder, wasn`t that
something about remorse? And wasn`t that directed to you?»
«He has something to say? Let him say it to me. I don`t want to hear it from
Schopenhauer.»
«Let me butt in here,” said Rebecca. «I left the last meeting feeling bad for
you and for all of us, including Philip, who, let`s face it, has been pissed on here.
At home I starting thinking of Jesus`s remark about how he who is without sin
should cast the first stone—that`s got a lot to do with what I revealed today.»
«We`ve got to stop,” said Julius, «but, Philip, this is exactly what I was
fishing for when I asked you about your feelings.»
Philip shook his head in puzzlement.
«Have you understood that today you were given a gift by both Rebecca
and Stuart?»
Philip continued to shake his head. «I don`t understand.»
«That`s your homework assignment, Philip. I want you to meditate on the
gifts you were given today.»
24
_________________________
Ifwe do not want to be a
plaything in the hands of
every rogue and the
object of every fool`s
ridicule, the first rule
is to be reserved and
inaccessible.
