• «Do not tell a friend what your enemy ought not to know.»
• «Regard all personal affairs as secrets and remain complete strangers, even
to our close friends.... with changed circumstances their knowledge of the
most harmless things about us may be to our disadvantage.»
• «Giving way neither to love nor to hate is one half of world wisdom: to
say nothing and believe nothing, the other half.»
• «Distrust is the mother of safety» (a French proverb, cited approvingly).
• «To forget at any time the bad traits of a man`s character is like throwing
away hard–earned money. We must protect ourselves from foolish
familiarity and foolish friendship.»
• «The only way to attain superiority in dealing with men is to let it be seen
you are independent of them.»
• «To disregard is to win regard.»
• «If we really think highly of a person we should conceal it from him like a
crime.»
• «Better to let men be what they are than to take them for what they are
not.»
• «We must never show anger and hatred except in our actions.... it is only
the cold–blooded animals that are poisonous.»
• «By being polite and friendly, you can make people pliable and obliging:
hence politeness is to human nature what warmth is to wax.»
26
_________________________
Thereare few ways by
which you can make
more certain of
putting people into
a good humor than by
telling them of some
trouble that has
recently befallen
you, or by
disclosing some
personal weakness of
yours.
_________________________
At the next meeting Gill plunked himself down, his huge frame testing the
limits of his chair, waited until everyone arrived, and started the meeting.
«If no one else has something, I want to continue with the вЂ?secrets`
exercise.»
«Let me insert a cautionary note here,” said Julius. «I don`t think it`s
a good idea to make this a prescribed exercise. Ido believe that folks do
better in the group when they reveal themselves fully, but it`s important to
move at our own pace and not feel pressured by any exercise to open up.»
«I hear you,” answered Gill, «but I don`t feel pressured. Iwant to
talk about this, and I also don`t want to leave Rebecca and Stuart hanging
out there alone. That okay?»
After noting the nods in the group, Gill continued: «My secret goes
back to when I was thirteen. I was a virgin, barely into puberty, covered
with acne, and Aunt Valerie, my father`s youngest sister...she was late
twenties or early thirties...used to stay with us from time to time—she was
between jobs a lot. We got along great, played around a lot when my folks
were out—wrestling, tickling, card games. Then one time, when I cheated
at strip poker and got her naked, things got real sexual—no longer tickling
but some serious feeling up. I was inexperienced and hormone–hot and
didn`t know exactly what was going on, but when she said to �stick it in,` I
said �yes, ma`am` and followed instructions. After that we did it anytime
we could until a couple of months later when my folks came home early
and caught us red–handed, flat out in the act—what`s that
called...flagrant...flagrant something?»
Gill looked toward Philip, who opened his mouth to answer but was
preempted by Pam, who said with lightning speed, «Flagrante delicto.»
«Wow, fast...I forgot we havetwo professors here,” murmured Gill,
who continued his account: «Well, the whole thing kind of messed up the
family. My dad didn`t get too hot under the collar about it, but my mother
was livid and Aunt Val didn`t stay with us anymore, and my mother was
furious with Dad for continuing to be friendly to her.»
Gill stopped, looked around, and then added, «I can understand why
my mother was upset, but, still, it was as much my fault as Aunt Val`s.»
«Yourfault—at thirteen? Come on!» said Bonnie. Others—Stuart,
Tony, Rebecca—nodded in agreement.
Before Gill could respond, Pam said, «I`ve got a response, Gill.
Maybe not what you`re expecting but something I`ve been holding back,
something I wanted to say to you even before I left on my trip. I don`t
know how to put it tactfully, Gill, so I`m not going to try—just going to
cut loose. Bottom line is that your story doesn`t move me one bit, and, in
most ways,you just don`t move me. Even though you say you`re revealing
yourself like Rebecca and Stuart did, I don`t experience you as
beingpersonal.
«I know that you`re committed to the group,” Pam continued. «You
seem to work hard, you take a lot of responsibility for taking care of
others, and, if someone runs out, it`s usually you that runs to get them
back. You seem to reveal yourself, but you don`t—it`s an illusion—you
stay hidden. Yes, that`s what you are—hidden, hidden, hidden. Your story
about your aunt is so typical of what I mean. Itseems personal, but it`s not.
It`s a trick because it`s notyour story, it`s your Aunt Val`s story, andof
course everyone is going to jump in and say, �But you were just a child,
you were thirteen, you were the victim.` What else could they say? And
your stories about your marriage havealways been about Rose, never
about you. And they always get exactly the same response from us,
�Whydo you put up with that shit!`
«When I was meditating in India—bored out of my gourd—I
thought a lot about this group. You can`t believe how much. And I thought
about each person here. Except for you, Gill. I hate to say this, butI just
didn`t think about you. When you talk, I never know who you`re talking
