to—maybe the walls, or the floor, but I never experience you as
speakingpersonally to me.»
Silence. The members seemed bewildered about how to respond.
Then Tony whistled and said, «Welcome back, Pam.»
«No sense of being here if I`m not going to be honest,” said Pam.
«What are you feeling, Gill?» asked Julius.
«Oh, just my typical feeling when I get a drop–kick to my belly—
spitting out a few pieces of pancreas. Isthat personal enough, Pam? Wait,
wait, sorry, don`t answer. I didn`t mean that. I know you`re giving me
good straight stuff. And deep down, I know you`re right.»
«Say more about that Gill, about her being right,” said Julius.
«She`s right. I could reveal more. I know that. I have things I could
say to people here.»
«To who, for example?» asked Bonnie.
«Well,you. I really like you, Bonnie.»
«Nice to hear, Gill, but it`s still not too personal.»
«Well, I got off on you calling me a hunk a couple of weeks ago.
And I don`t buy into your labeling yourself homely and so out of
Rebecca`s beauty league—I`ve always had a thing—maybe ever since
Aunt Val—about older women. And I`ll be honest, I had some juicy
fantasies when you invited me to stay at your place when I didn`t want to
go home to Rose.»
«That why you didn`t take Bonnie up on her offer?» asked Tony.
«Other stuff came up.»
When it became clear Gill was not going to elaborate, Tony asked,
«You want to say more about the other stuff?»
Gill sat for a moment, his bald pate glistening with sweat, and then
mustered resolve and said, «Tell you what, let me go around the rest of the
group and talk about my feelings.» He began with Stuart, who sat next to
Bonnie. «For you, Stuart, I got nothing but admiration. If I had kids, I`d
feel lucky to have you as their doctor. And what you described last week
doesn`t change any of my feelings.
«And you, Rebecca, tell you the truth, you intimidate me—you
seem too perfect, too pretty, too clean. What you told us about the incident
in Las Vegas doesn`t change that—to me you`re still pristine and spotless
with tons of confidence. Maybe it`s because I`m flustered now, but I can`t
even remember why you`re in therapy. Stuart`s image of you being a
porcelain doll—that rings true—maybe you`re a little too brittle, maybe
you got some sharp edges—I don`t know.
«And, Pam, you`re a straight shooter, blunt, smartest person I`d ever
met until Philip entered—he can give you a run for it. I know I don`t want
to get on the wrong side of either of you. But, Pam, you`ve got stuff to
work on with men. They`ve given you hard times, but then, again, you
hate us. All of us. Hard to know what`s chicken, what`s egg.
«Philip, you`re way up there, like, in another whole layer or...or
realm ofbeing. But I wonder about you. I wonder if you`ve ever had a
friend—I can`t see you actually hanging out, having a beer, talking about
the Giants. I can`t see you having a good time or actually everliking
anyone. And I`ll tell you the real question for me:why aren`t you lonely? ”
Gill continued on, «Tony, you`re fascinating to me, you work with
your hands, you really do things, not push numbers around like me. I wish
you weren`t so ashamed of your work.
«Well that`s everybody.»
«No, it`s not,” said Rebecca, glancing toward Julius.
«Oh, Julius? He`s of the group, not in the group.»
«What`s вЂ?ofthe group` mean?» asked Rebecca.
«Oh, I don`t know, just a cute phrase I heard and been wanting to
use. Julius—he`s just there for me, for everyone, he`s far above us. The
way he...”
«He?» asked Julius, pantomiming searching about the group.
«Where is this вЂ?he` guy?»
«Okay, I meanyou, Julius, the way you`re handling your illness—I
mean it`s impressive—I`ll never forget it.»
Gill stopped. Everyone`s attention remained riveted upon him, but
he exhaled with a loud «whoosh.» He looked as though he had had it and
settled back in his chair, obviously fatigued, and took out a handkerchief
and wiped his face and head.
Sentiments such as «good job, you took some risks» were voiced by
Rebecca, Stuart, Tony, and Bonnie. Pam and Philip remained silent.
«How was that, Gill? You satisfied?» asked Julius.
Gill nodded. «I broke some new ground. Hope I didn`t offend.»
«How about you, Pam? You satisfied?»
«I`ve already put in my time today as the group bitch.»
«Gill, let me ask you to do something,” said Julius. «Imagine a
continuum of self–revealing. At one pole, which we`ll call вЂ?one,` is the
safest revealing, cocktail party stuff; and at the other pole, call it �ten,`
would be the deepest and riskiest revealing you can possibly imagine. Got
that?»
Gill nodded.
«Now look back on your go–round just now. Tell me, Gill, what
kind of score would you give yourself?»
Continuing to nod, Gill answered swiftly, «I`d give myself a вЂ?four,`
maybe a вЂ?five`.»
Julius, wanting to circumvent intellectualization or other defenses
from Gill`s arsenal of resistance, responded instantly, «And now tell me,
Gill, what would happen it you were to ratchet up a notch or two?»
«If I were to ratchet up a notch or two,” Gill replied without
hesitation, «I`d tell the group I was an alcoholic and that I drink myself to
unconsciousness every night.»
The group was stunned, Julius no less than the others. Before he had
brought Gill into the group, he had seen him in individual therapy for two
years andnever, not once, had Gill mentioned an alcohol problem. How
could this be? Julius was congenitally trusting of his patients. He was one
of those optimistic souls who was greatly destabilized by duplicity; he felt
wobbly and needed time to formulate a new vision of Gill. As he mused
silently about his own naГЇvetГ© and the tenuousness of reality, the mood of
the group darkened and progressed from incredulousness to stridency.
«What, you`re joking!»
«I can`t believe it. How could you have come here week after week
