must exist no more.` I`ve committed a great deal of Schopenhauer
to memory: third paragraph of his essay �Additional Remarks on
the Doctrine of the Vanity of Existence.` Is that vague enough for
you?»
«Children, children, you two quit that,” said Bonnie, in a
high–pitched voice.
«You`re getting loose, Bonnie. I like it,” said Tony.
«Other feelings, anybody?» asked Julius.
«I don`t want to get caught inthis crossfire. Some big
cannons being wheeled out,” said Gill.
«Yeah,” said Stuart, «neither of them can resist the
opportunity for a jab. Philip`s got to comment on someone else
using Schopenhauer`s phrase, and Pam can`t resist the opportunity
to call Philip a monstrous joke.»
«I didn`t sayhe was a monstrous joke. I said...”
«Get off it, Pam, you`re nitpicking. You know what I
meant.» Stuart held his ground. «And anyway that blowup about
Nabokov—that was out of line, Pam. You bad–mouth his hero, and
then you praise someone else who borrows Schopenhauer`s words.
What`s so wrong with Philip setting you straight? What`s the big
crime with his pointing out Schopenhauer`s priority?»
«I gotta say something,” said Tony. «As usual I don`t know
who these dudes are—at least not Nabo...Nobo?
«Nabokov,” said Pam, in the soft voice she reserved for
Tony. «He`s a great Russian writer. You may have heard of his
novelLolita. ”
«Yeah, I saw that. Well, in this kind of talk I get into a
vicious circle—not knowing makes me feel stupid, then I clam up,
and then I feel more stupid. I`ve got to keep trying to break that
pattern by speaking out.» He turned to Julius: «So to answer your
question about feelings,that`s one feeling—stupid. Another is that
for one instant, when he said, �Is that vague enough for you?` I got
a glimpse of Philip`s teeth—and they`re sharp teeth, real sharp.
And some other feelings toward Pam,” Tony turned to face her,
«Pam, you`re my girl—I really dig you, but I`ll tell you
something:I sure don`t want to get on your bad side. ”
«I hear you,” said Pam.
«And, and...” said Tony, «I forgot the most important thing
I was going to say—that this whole argument has gotten us off the
track. We were talking about how we might be protecting or
avoiding you, Julius. Then with Pam and Philip we got off the
topic quick. So aren`t we avoiding you again?»
«You know, I don`t feel that now. When we work as
intimately as we`re doing now, we never stay on a single trail. The
stream of thought keeps overflowing into new channels. And,
incidentally,” Julius turned to Philip, «I use that term—
intimately—quite deliberately. I think your anger—which we see
breaking through here for the first time—is truly a sign of
intimacy. I think you care enough about Pam to be angry at her.»
Julius knew Philip would not answer on his own and nudged
him. «Philip?»
Shaking his head, Philip replied, «I don`t know how to
assess your hypothesis. But there is something else I want to say. I
confess that, like Pam, I also have been looking for comforting or
at least relevant things to say to you. I have followed
Schopenhauer`s practice of ending each day reading from the
works of Epictetus or from the Upanishads.» Philip glanced in
Tony`s direction. «Epictetus was a Roman philosopher of the
second century, and the Upanishads are an ancient sacred Hindu
text. The other night I read a passage from Epictetus that I thought
would be of value, and I`ve made copies of it. I`ve translated it
loosely from the Latin into current vernacular.» Philip reached into
his briefcase, handed out copies to each member, and then, eyes
closed, recited the passage from memory.
When, on a sea voyage, the ship is brought to anchor, you go
out to fetch water and gather a few roots and shells by the way.
But you always need to keep your mind fixed on the ship, and
constantly to look around, lest at any time the master of the
ship call, and you must heed that call and cast away all those
things, lest you be treated like the sheep that are bound and
thrown into the hold.
So it is with human life also. And if there be available
wife and children instead of shells and roots, nothing should
hinder us from taking them. But if the master call, run to the
ship, forsaking all those things, and without looking behind.
And if thou be in old age, go not far from the ship at any time,
lest the master should call, and thou be not ready.
Philip ended and held out his arms as though to say, «There
it is.»
The group studied the passage. They were bewildered. Stuart
broke the silence, «I`m trying, but, Philip, I don`t get it. What`s the
value of this for Julius? Or for us?»
Julius pointed to his watch. «Sorry to say we`re out of time.
But let me be teacherly and make one point. I often view a
statement or act from two different points of view—from
itscontent and from itsprocess —and byprocess I meanwhat it tells
us about the nature of the relationship between the parties
involved. Like you, Stuart, I don`t immediately understand
thecontent of Philip`s message: I`ve got to study it, and maybe the
content can be a topic in another meeting. But I know something
about theprocess. What I know, Philip, is that you, like Pam, were
thinking about me, wanted to give me a gift, and you went to some
lengths to do it: you memorized the passage and you made copies.
And the meaning of that? It`s got to reflect your caring about me.
And what do I feel about it? I`m touched, I appreciate it, and I look
forward to the time when you can express your caring in your own
words.»
