should be permitted to deprive us of the gift of his philosophical
insights. So, to paraphrase Heidegger, falling intoeverydayness
results in one`s becoming unfree—like the sheep.
«Like Pam,” Philip continued, «I believe the parable warns
us against attachment and urges us to stay attuned to the miracle of
being—not to worry abouthow things are but to be in a state of
wondermentthat things are —that things exist at all.»
«Now I think I`m getting your meaning,” said Bonnie, «but
it`s cold, abstract. What comfort is there in that? For Julius, for
anyone?»
«For me, there is comfort in the idea that my death informs
my life.» Philip spoke with uncharacteristic fervor as he continued,
«There is comfort in the idea of not allowing my core being to be
devoured by trivialities, by insignificant successes or failures, by
what I possess, by concerns about popularity—who likes me, who
doesn`t. For me, there is comfort in the state of remaining free to
appreciate the miracle of being.»
«Your voice sounds energized,” said Stuart, «but I also think
this seems steely and bloodless. It`s cold consolation. Makes me
shiver.»
The members were puzzled. They sensed that Philip had
something of value to offer but, as usual, were confused by his
bizarre manner.
After a brief silence Tony asked Julius, «Does this work for
you? I mean in terms of offering you something. Does it help you
in some way?»
«It doesn`t work for me, Tony. Yet, as I`ve said,” he turned
toward Philip, «you`re reaching out to give me something that
works for you. I`m aware, too, this is the second time you`ve
offered me something I`ve not been able to make use of, and that
must be frustrating for you.»
Philip nodded but remained silent.
«A second time! I don`t recall another time,” said Pam. «Did
it happen when I was away?»
Several heads shook no. No one else remembered a first
time, and Pam asked Julius, «Are there blanks that need to filled in
here?»
«There`s old history between Philip and me,” said Julius. «A
lot of the puzzlement today could be removed by relating this
history. But I feel it`s up to you, Philip. When you`re ready.»
«I`m willing for all to be discussed,” said Philip. «You have
carte blanche.»
«No, what I mean is, it`s not for me to do that. To paraphrase
your words,it would be a richer exercise if you would discuss it
yourself. I think it`s your call and your responsibility.?»
Philip tilted his head upward, closed his eyes, and, using the
same tone and manner as when reciting a memorized passage,
began: «Twnety–five years ago I consulted Julius for what is now
termedsexual addiction. I was predatory, I was driven, I was
insatiable, I thought of little else. My whole being was caught up in
the pursuit of women—new women, always new women, because
once I bedded a woman I rapidly lost interest in her. It was as
though the epicenter of my existence was that moment of
ejaculating inside the woman. And once that happened I had a brief
respite from my compulsion, but soon—sometimes only hours
later—I felt the call to prowl again. Sometimes I had two or three
women in a day. I was desperate. I wanted to get my mind out of
the trough, to think about other things, to touch some of the great
minds of the past. I was educated in chemistry then, but I yearned
for real wisdom. I sought help, the best and most expensive
available, and met with Julius weekly, sometimes twice weekly,
for three years, without benefit.»
Philip paused. The group stirred. Julius asked, «How is this
going for you, Philip? Can you go farther, or is it enough for one
day?»
«I`m fine,” replied Philip.
«With your closed eyes it`s hard to read you,” said Bonnie.
«I`m wondering if you keep them closed because you fear
disapproval.»
«No, I close my eyes to look within and collect my thoughts.
And surely I`ve made it clear that only my own approval matters to
me.»
Again there settled onto the group that strange otherworldly
sense of Philip`s untouchability. Tony tried to dispel it by
whispering loudly, «Nice try, Bonnie.»
Without opening his eyes, Philip continued. «Not too long
after I gave up therapy with Julius, I inherited a fair sum of money
from the maturation of a trust account my father had set up for me.
The money enabled me to leave my profession as a chemist and
devote myself to reading all of Western philosophy—in part
because of my enduring interest in that field, but primarily because
I believed that somewhere in the collective wisdom of the world`s
great thinkers I would find a cure for my condition. I felt at home
in philosophy and soon realized that I had found my true calling. I
applied and was accepted in the philosophy doctoral program at
Columbia. It was at that time that Pam had the misfortune of
crossing my path.»
Philip, eyes still closed, paused and inhaled deeply. All eyes
were on him except for furtive glances toward Pam, who stared at
the floor.
«As time went by I chose to concentrate my attention on the
trinity of truly great philosophers: Plato, Kant, and Schopenhauer.
But, in the final analysis, it was only Schopenhauer who offered
me help. Not only were his words pure gold for me, but I sensed a
strong affinity with his person. As a rational being I cannot accept
the idea of reincarnation in its vulgar sense, but if Ihad lived before
it would have been as Arthur Schopenhauer. Simply knowing of
his existence has tempered the ache of my isolation.
«After reading and rereading his work for several years, I
