seemed to go on for ever and ever. Finally he tipped me on to the floor. I lay there trembling with fear.
‘Get up,’ he said brusquely, ‘and get your things together. I’m taking you back to the boat.’
The moon hung over the river, whitening the mist that floated transparent above the sleeping fields. Stars were crowding the blue-black sky, the air was heavy with the scent of meadowsweet.
Aching in every bone, biting my lip to stop myself crying, I let Gareth lead me across the fields. Every few moments I stumbled, held up only by his vice-like grip on my arm. I think he felt at any moment I might bolt back to the party.
Once we were on deck I said, ‘Now you can go back to your darling teenager.’
‘Not until you’re safe in bed.’
I lay down on my bunk still in my dress. But when I shut my eyes the world was going round and round. I quickly opened them. Gareth stood watching me through cigar smoke.
I shut my eyes again. A great wave of nausea rolled over me.
‘Oh God,’ I said, trying to get out of bed.
‘Stay where you are,’ he snapped.
‘I ought to be allowed to get out of my own bed,’ I said petulantly. ‘I agree in your Mary Whitehouse role you’re quite entitled to stop me getting into other people’s beds but a person should be free to get out of her own bed if she wants to.’
‘Stop fooling around,’ said Gareth.
‘I can’t,’ I said in desperation, ‘I’m going to be sick.’
He only just got me to the edge of the boat in time, and I was sicker than I’ve ever been in my life. I couldn’t stop this terrible retching, and then, because Gareth was holding my head, I couldn’t stop crying from humiliation.
‘Leave me alone,’ I sobbed in misery. ‘Leave me alone to die. Gussie and Jeremy’ll be back in a minute. Please go and keep them away for a bit longer.’
‘They won’t be back for hours,’ said Gareth, looking at his watch.
‘Can I have a drink of water?’
‘Not yet, it’ll only make you throw up again. You’ll just have to grin and bear it.’
I looked up at the huge white moon and gave a hollow laugh. ‘It couldn’t be a more romantic night, could it?’
In the passage my knees gave way and Gareth picked me up, carried me into the cabin and put me to bed as deftly as if I’d been a child. He gave me a couple of pills.
‘They’ll put you to sleep.’
‘I wasn’t actually planning to meet Jeremy on deck tonight.’
I was shivering like a puppy.
‘I’m sorry,’ I said, rolling my head back and forth on the pillow. ‘I’m so terribly sorry.’
‘Lie still,’ he said. ‘The pills’ll work soon.’
‘Don’t go,’ I whispered, as he stood up and went to the door.
His face was expressionless as he looked at me, no scorn, no mockery, not even a trace of pity.
‘I’m going to get you some more blankets,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you catching cold.’
That sudden kindness, the first he’d ever shown me, brought tears to my eyes. I was beginning to feel drowsy by the time he came back with two rugs. They smelt musty and, as I watched his hands tucking them in — powerful hands with black hairs on the back — I suddenly wanted to feel his arms around me and to feel those hands soothing me and petting me as though I were a child again. In a flash I saw him as the father, strict, yet loving and caring, that all my life I’d missed; someone to say stop when I went too far, someone to mind if I behaved badly, to be proud if I behaved well.
‘Getting sleepy?’ he asked.
I nodded.
‘Good girl. You’ll be all right in the morning.’
‘I’m sorry I wrecked your party.’
‘Doesn’t matter. They’re nice though, the Hamiltons. You should mix with more people like them; they’ve got the right values.’
‘How did you meet them?’
He began to tell me, but I started getting confused and the soft Welsh voice became mingled with the water lapping against the boat; then I drifted into unconsciousness.
Chapter Twelve
When I woke next morning I felt overwhelmed with shame. In the past when I’d got drunk, I’d just shrugged it off as part of the Octavia Brennen image. Now I curled up at the thought of last night’s performance — barging in on those people half naked, behaving atrociously, abusing their hospitality, and then the humiliation of Gareth putting me across his knee and, worst of all, throwing up in front of him and having to be put to bed.
Oh God, I groaned in misery, as I slowly pieced the evening together, I can’t face him. Yet, at the thought of slipping off the boat unnoticed, it suddenly hit me that if I did I might never see him again. It was like a skewer jabbed into my heart.
Oh no, I whispered in horror, it can’t have happened! I couldn’t hate someone so passionately, and then find overnight that hatred had turned into something quite different — something that looked suspiciously like love.
I couldn’t love him, I couldn’t. He despised me and thought I was the biggest bitch going, and the nightmare was that, if we had been starting from scratch, I could have pulled out the stops, knocked him over with my looks, even fooled him into thinking I was gentle and sweet. I’d done it often enough before. But now it was too late. He’d seen me, unashamedly pursuing Jeremy, knew so many adverse things about me that I hadn’t a hope where he was concerned. It was funny really, the biter bit at last.
Finally I dragged myself out of bed. A shooting star was erupting in my head, waves of sickness swept over me. My face was ashen when I looked in the mirror. I was still wearing last night’s make-up, streaked with crying; my mouth felt like a parrot’s cage.
I staggered down to the horrible dank loo which reeked of asparagus pee and wondered whether to be sick again. Even cleaning my teeth was an ordeal. Somehow I got dressed, and crawled along to the kitchen. Gussie was cooking kippers of all things.
‘Hullo,’ she said. ‘You disappeared very suddenly last night. Gareth said you felt faint from the heat, so he brought you home. You’re not pregnant or anything awful?’
I smiled weakly and shook my head. That was one problem I was spared.
‘What did the rest of you get up to?’ I asked.
‘Nothing much. We stayed up very late dancing on the lawn, it was so romantic in the moonlight. Then Lorna came back and had a drink on the boat. You were fast asleep by that time. Later Gareth took her home. We didn’t hear him come in.’
I felt sweat rising on my forehead. The thought of Gareth and Lorna wandering back through the meadowsweet with that great moon pouring light on them drove me insane with jealousy. The smell of those kippers was killing me. Suddenly I saw a pair of long legs coming down the steps.
‘I’m going on deck,’ I said in a panic, and bolted back through my cabin and the saloon, out into the sunshine at the far end of the boat.
I sat down, clutching my knees and gazing at the opposite bank. A water rat came out, stared at me with beady eyes and then shot back into its hole. Lucky thing, I thought. I wish I had a hole to crawl into. The wild roses which had bloomed so beautifully yesterday were now withered by the sun and hung like tawdry party decorations that had been up too long.
I heard a step behind me and my heart started hammering. I was appalled by the savagery of my
