At that moment, Berenice chose to make her entrance, wearing a rust shirt, tan boots, and a black skirt with a slit up the front. Her newly washed hair gleamed — no wonder there wasn’t any hot water left for me. She looked a million dollars and extremely irritated.
‘You haven’t seen my Hermes belt have you, Prudence?’
‘Who wants to stick the tail on the donkey?’ I shouted.
The fun became more fast and furious. Rose arrived with Professor Copeland. Several fathers rolled up, and a man to deliver some garden furniture.
‘It’s my special offer,’ said Rose excitedly. ‘We must hide it in the cellar before Ace arrives.’ Berenice had decided to give up grumbling about her belt and had found a soulmate in Delphinium.
‘It’s hard to keep your mind alive when you spend your time with people three feet high,’ she was saying.
I looked at my watch. It was five o’clock and the conjuror was quarter of an hour late. I mopped my brow; we’d have to eat soon.
There was a howl as Damian, whose blindfold seemed to have slipped, plunged the donkey’s tail into Professor Copeland’s bottom. Midas was hitting Jason over the head with a tennis racket still in its press.
‘I shouldn’t engage in that form of activity if I were you, Midas,’ said Delphinium.
‘It’s amazing,’ said Berenice, ‘the way children work out their hostility if you don’t interfere with their natural instincts.’
Five-fifteen, still no conjuror. I shepherded all the children into the kitchen for tea.
‘What’s this crap?’ said Damian, picking up a piece of carrot cake and hurling it at Jason.
‘Crap,’ said Midas, picking up a soya bean canape and hurling it at Antonia Fraser.
Two of the Pollys or Emilies or Sophies started to cry.
‘Aren’t they a nightmare?’ said Maggie, putting her head round the door.
‘Why doesn’t Delphinium do anything to control them?’ I said in desperation.
‘She lives in a commune on the other side of Windermere. I don’t think she’s very into discipline. Their father commutes to London in a Ferrari,’ said Maggie.
The conjuror, a pouf with brushed forward hair, finally arrived gibbering with guilt and ill temper at 5.30. Talk about the panic stations of the extremely cross. ‘The roads are simply atrocious. I’d like to get started straight away,’ he said.
And by some miracle, five minutes later he had all the children sitting spellbound at his feet in the study, and pigeons coming out of his sleeve.
Phew: Blissful relief! The grown-ups were having a rip-roaring party in the drawing-room; everyone was well away. I was just pouring myself and Mrs Braddock a drink when the doorbell rang yet again.
‘I always read Rod McKuen to my potted plants,’ Berenice was saying.
As no one was obviously going to move, I went to answer the door.
It was another mother. She had bruised eyes, ash blonde hair and the startled look of a race horse. She was also vaguely familiar.
‘Hullo,’ she said nervously. ‘Is it all right if I come in?’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘If you’ve come to collect, I’m afraid we’re running behind schedule. The conjuror arrived late, but the grown-ups are having a terrific party in the drawing-room. You know what the Mulhollands are like!’
She smiled. ‘Only too well! I’m Fay.’
I swallowed. ‘Oh, my goodness. I’m Pru.’ What on earth was Maggie going to say?
‘Lucasta’s talked about you on the telephone,’ she said. ‘You’ve been so kind to her. Are you sure it’s all right my coming?’
She was so friendly, you couldn’t not like her.
‘Of course it is. How was the play?’
‘It was good,’ she said, taking off a rather worn fur coat. ‘I had a nice director, I think he’ll give me more work. Has Lucasta had a nice birthday?’
‘Sensational,’ I shouted over the party roar as we passed at the drawing-room door.
‘Gosh, I’m nervous of going in there,’ said Fay.
She needn’t have been. Rose gave a shriek of excitement and fell on her neck.
‘Darling, darling Fay,’ she cried. ‘How lovely to see you! You shouldn’t have stayed away so long, and how ravishing you look. You’ve lost so much weight. How lovely. James! Berenice! Delphinium! This is Fay, Jack’s first wife, and Lucasta’s mother.’
Everyone crowded round Fay, saying how nice it was to see her again.
‘I’m Ivan’s permanent commitment,’ I heard Berenice saying.
Suddenly I caught a glimpse of Maggie’s face through the throng. I felt sick; she looked absolutely crucified. I was about to fight my way through to her when I heard a scream. In the hall I found the conjuror in floods of tears.
‘They’re the worst lot of kids I’ve ever had to deal with. They’re little monsters. That Damian tried to send one of my pigeons up the chimney with a message for Santa Claus and singed all its feathers.’ He wiped his eyes. ‘I can’t go on.’
‘Oh please,’ I said. ‘You were booked for an hour. Have a strong drink and another go.’
‘I don’t drink,’ sobbed the conjuror, ‘and you need a bodyguard for that lot. Leave that rabbit alone, you little sod,’ he screamed, rushing back into the study.
Jack was next to arrive. He was in a good temper. He’d pulled off a terrific deal with the Americans.
‘Maggie and I can spend Christmas in Bermuda if we want to.’
‘I’m not sure
Jack’s face lit up: ‘Fay is? Isn’t she great? I must go and say hullo.’
Damian burst out of the study and ran yelling down the passage towards the kitchen.
‘Beautiful child, isn’t he?’ I said sourly.
‘Probably mine,’ said Jack.
‘He’s a monster,’ I protested. ‘He belongs to someone called Delphinium.’
Jack laughed. ‘Then he’s definitely mine.’
He smoothed his hair in the hall mirror, straightened his tie, and fought his way into the drawing-room.
‘Look who’s here, Jack darling,’ I heard Rose shriek. ‘It’s darling Fay. Doesn’t she look beautiful?’
The next moment Maggie came out of the room. I caught a glimpse of her white stricken face as she fled upstairs.
After that the party got completely out of hand. The children came screaming out of the study, followed by the conjuror still in tears.
‘I want my money,’ he said, ‘and I’m going.’
No one of course had any cash. Jack had an Irish 50p, and Berenice had travellers’ cheques, and the conjuror wouldn’t take an ordinary cheque.
‘I want cash on delivery,’ he said, firmly sitting down on his trunk of magic. ‘I don’t trust that lot in there not to bounce cheques, and I’m going to wait until I get it.’
I could just have paid him myself but I wanted to keep enough cash for my fare back to London — just in case.
In the drawing-room Jack was chatting to Fay, one hand holding a drink, the other lying along the sofa behind her head. He looked the picture of handsome relaxed contentment.
Berenice surprisingly was nose to nose with Professor Copeland. ‘I think it’s so terrific,’ she was saying, ‘how you’re able to plug into yourself and find this conduit into your unconscious and be able to tap all that energy.’
Rose was suddenly looking a little disconsolate.
Jason ran screaming through the crowd, followed by Damian and Midas, each carrying one of Jack’s Masai spears. The Professor and Berenice followed their progress fondly.
‘If I’d been able to act out what I felt like that, I’m sure I wouldn’t have had to spend all those years in analysis,’ said the Professor. ‘I mean my father’s a case-book example of an anal retentive.’
‘You’re working too hard. Come and sit down and talk to Fay,’ Jack shouted across at me.
