For a second, Henry mouthed helplessly like a goldfish. ‘Because Rupert told me I’d make a fortune,’ he said, ‘and that he’d introduce me to Joanna Lumley.’
Everyone screamed with laughter except the Bishop, Declan and Hardy Bissett.
‘Which Rupert hasn’t done yet, what?’ said Henry, delighted at the reaction.
‘This is meant to be a dry run,’ said Hardy icily. He turned to Wesley. ‘How d’you intend to retain the cultural traditions of the ethnic minorities in your area, Mr Emerson?’
Wesley looked blank. ‘Don’t know, man. Declan promised me a fortune too, but he didn’t say anything about Joanna Lumley.’
Billy wiped his eyes. ‘This is wonderful,’ he whispered to Cameron.
Like a terrier, Hardy Bissett caught Billy off guard. ‘As Venturer’s head of sport,’ he asked sharply, ‘how d’you intend to revolutionize Corinium’s sporting coverage?’
‘Er-hum,’ said Billy helplessly. ‘Making programmes is a bit like sex. I do it all the time, but I’m afraid I never talk about it. Programmes are living things, particularly sport,’ he went on apologetically. ‘They seem to materialize as you go along.’
‘Very lucid,’ said Hardy so sarcastically that Billy went crimson. He then turned to Professor Graystock. ‘I wonder, Professor, if you might be able to provide us with a more serious answer to the question I asked Wesley?’
The Professor cleared his throat. ‘At Venturer we would naturally give the ethnic minorities the chance to develop their own programmes in their own way,’ he said in his fulsome drone. ‘This will keep alive the cultures and traditions which would otherwise be neglected as the minorities become fully integrated into the population.’
‘Excellent, Professor,’ said Hardy. ‘That’s more like it, although you could have gone on to specify some of the programmes and had a crack at Corinium’s abysmal record at the same time.’
He turned to Freddie. ‘Have you got a definite policy towards industrial relations?’
Freddie looked somewhat apprehensively at Rupert. ‘I and my Managing Director, Declan, and my Financial Director, Rupert, are all firmly committed believers in industrial democracy.’
‘Are we?’ said Rupert in amazement.
‘Shut up,’ hissed Cameron. ‘Will you and Billy stop taking the piss.’
Sulkily Rupert got out the
‘
Oh the poor little duck, thought Rupert, suddenly overwhelmed with longing and protectiveness. She’d been so adorable the other day. He never dreamed he’d miss her so much.
‘Rupert,’ snapped Cameron. ‘Hardy wants to know if we’ve got an employment policy.’
‘Yes,’ said Rupert coolly. ‘We’ll employ very good people. We’ll pay them extremely well to work, and if they don’t we’ll tell them to fuck off.’
The Bishop and Professor Graystock exchanged pained glances. Declan’s bitten fingernails drummed on the table.
‘Slightly too simplistic,’ said Hardy Bissett acidly. ‘I hope someone else has something a little bit more illuminating to say on the subject.’
At the end of half an hour Hardy called a halt.
‘That was absolutely appalling,’ he said bluntly. ‘Declan, you’re fielding too many questions — can’t say I blame you with these morons — and getting totally carried away by your own blarney. So are you, Bishop.’ The Bishop turned purple. ‘You’re both far too long-winded. The rest are much too short. You should be answering the questions in a sentence, and then immediately using the subject to dive into another area where you want to make a point. The object is to put across Venturer’s message and make your pitch whatever questions you’re asked.’
‘Christ,’ said Billy to Rupert as the Professor nicked yet another of his cigarettes, ‘it’s like one of those terrible nightmares of being back at school. Who is this fink on my right who talks like a British Telecom technical manual?’
‘Professor Graystock,’ said Rupert. ‘Declan brought him in. He’s a disgrace.’
‘We’ll have another half-hour session,’ said Hardy Bissett. ‘Then we’ll have a drink.’ He turned to Freddie. ‘Mr Jones, how did the idea for Venturer originate?’
Freddie scratched his curls.
‘Well, it was like this, Rupert an’ me ’ad both ’ad an up-and-downer wiv Tony Baddingham over different fings. Declan was having a rough time of it. Tony’s a fug, make no bones abart it, got a board made up of professional accountants, who use profits for anyfing other than making programmes; won’t take risks; that’s why their share of the ratings is dropping. Anyway, Declan ’ad a barney wiv him and walked out. Rupe and I both fink Declan’s terrific; he’s a real man of stature; could become the Lord Reef of ITV, so we decided to pitch for the franchise.
‘We all live in the area,’ he went on. ‘Rupe’s lived there all ’is life. Declan, Cameron and I are comparative newcomers, more like Cafflic converts, so we love it wiv a passion, and we just feel it’s being shabbily represented by Corinium.’
‘Well done,’ said Rupert. But once again the Professor and the Bishop exchanged pained glances.
After that Harold White and Cameron were both excellent on programme plans, Georgie was brilliant on advertising, and Seb marvellously bitchy about the newsroom and ‘Cotswold Round-Up’. But at the end Hardy Bissett was just as scathing.
‘Look at you,’ he said mockingly, ‘cringing on the back of your seats trying to make yourself invisible to an examiner who might ask you the awkward question. You’ve got to sit forward, be eager and positive, bursting with enthusiasm.’
‘Gimme a drink, then,’ murmured Billy.
‘But it was better than last time,’ went on Hardy. ‘You’ve got just over a month to get your act together, and if we keep going over the same ground night after night — ’ Billy and Rupert exchanged looks of horror; Freddie glanced at his watch — ‘you’re bound to improve. It’s obvious our moles won’t be able to make every evening. But I’m glad to say most of them, not all — ’ Hardy glared pointedly at Billy — ‘acquitted themselves well and are obviously less in need of coaching than the rest of you. I congratulate you, Declan, on your poaching skills. Just don’t get rumbled, any of you, between now and December.’
When they’d all got drinks, Declan gave them a brief progress report. ‘You needn’t be too disheartened by our abysmal showing today. Elsewhere things are looking good. The most dramatic bit of news is that Mid-West have pulled out. They can’t raise the cash evidently, so their Geography master will probably never get to London now.’ He grinned. ‘This means it’s a two-horse race — just us and Corinium.’
Everyone was wildly excited by this information, except Rupert. Two two the rivals now, he thought bitterly. Why did everything remind him of Taggie?
‘I’ve also heard off the record that the IBA have had at least three thousand letters from local organizations pledging their support for Venturer,’ Declan went on. ‘Tony was also supposed to appear on a programme on Radio Cotchester this week, with me and the West of England man from the IBA, but he’s backed off because he claims a programme interspersed with pop records is not the right vehicle for serious discussion, i.e., he’s got cold feet.
‘The story’s been leaked to tomorrow’s papers. Finally Ladbroke’s make us five to four on today, so we’re on our way.’
‘So am I,’ said Freddie, going towards the door.
Rupert followed him. ‘Where are you going?’
‘To a meetin’,’ said Freddie, looking shifty.
‘With Mrs Vereker?’ said Rupert. ‘For Christ’s sake be careful. Sarah Stratton rolled up at my house in hysterics the other day, saying James had been told to back off and concentrate on Lizzie, as they’re going to make this marriage series together.’
‘I know,’ said Freddie. ‘Makes fings very difficult. That’s why Lizzie and me’s meeting up here.’
‘It’s a bloody good story,’ said Rupert. ‘Corinium presenter ordered to give up his presenter mistress and
