saw before me a gentle, monotonous life-probably childless, and far too bloodless for one of my temperament.
Charles gave himself to me once or twice a week, always with the same helpless reserve. He only kissed me on my cheeks and forehead-my breasts so firm and fresh, never received his caresses; his hands seemed to fly away from the charming spot between my thighs that would have so eagerly welcomed his attentions. As for me, I did not dare to touch him, as I was sure that I would have been repulsed.
We had been married two years. I was now twenty years of age, my temperament had become more passionate in every way, while that of my husband seemed to have lost some of its force; I had not had a child, consequently nothing had changed my ideas.
By now my grandmother was dead and we lived in Paris. My husband's position obliged him to often beg leave of absence for several days at a time which, moreover, accorded with his sporting tastes.
I was thus often left alone and, in spite of my passion for music, which I had cultivated with some measure of success, my head often grew disordered, and my over-excited senses presented to me nothing but scenes of love and delirium.
What nights I have passed when alone! I have instinctively writhed myself into the most lascivious positions, that you could possibly imagine.
My finger was no longer enough to satisfy my desires. I pressed my bolster and entwined my arms about it, clasping it in my arms as well as though it could bring me joy. I rubbed myself furiously against it and arrived at a degree of relative enjoyment but this did not suffice except to still further increase my longings.
I changed postures, placing myself astride it; I rubbed myself anew until the wellsprings of pleasure, swollen by this stimulant, finally opened themselves and procured me some relief.
These nervous excitements gave me hallucinations, the nature of which were shaped by my frenetic state; my sweet and gay character became capricious. For a time I resisted but finally, I succumbed; was I then very culpable?
I often saw Madame D…the wife of the Chief Magistrate of the town.
She was a little blonde who had once been very beautiful but she was already on the turn. I believed that she had had many adventures in her youth.
One day, having gone to make a call on her, she informed me that M.
Formatey had come to take command of the garrison. She said he was a young officer who had been much and well spoken of, who had fought with great distinction, and had been promoted very rapidly until he held the commission of Lieutenant Colonel; that he was about thirtysix years old and unmarried.
Madame told me that she had invited him to dinner, and she then invited my husband and myself for the same day. Was it a presentiment that I had? I do not know, but I returned home very thoughtful, even feeling a spark of jealousy towards Madame D…
The dinner took place three days later; I had made, I must admit it, a most ravishing toilette.
We entered the room and found M. Formatey there before us; in a moment I had taken stock of him. He was a tall, vigorous and strapping fellow, with a free and open physiognomy and distinguished manners.
He was introduced and his sweet and charming voice vibrated within my heart.
I felt a chill, then the blood all rushed to my head. Oh, I was captured all right! I did not even seek to fight the feelings that invaded my entire being.
We sat down to dinner, which was very lively and M. Formatey shone by his quick wit. He was at the right of Madame D… who flirted with him. I could have slain her.
After dinner he approached me and begged my permission to call, then chatted with my husband who was pleased greatly with him.
Madame D… went to the piano and played a waltz. Monsieur D… said that I waltzed well and solicited me to take a turn with him but, he being somewhat elderly and somewhat feeble, fatigue speedily told on him and M. Formatey presented himself to fill his place.
When his arm encircled my waist, I was seized with a nervous movement which did not escape him, and I very imprudently allowed myself to be carried away by the delicious sensation.
M. Formatey boldly profited by it and, while turning the corner of the room, he found a means to press me so closely to him that I felt for an instant against my stomach an object so hard and stiff, that I thought I should faint. Ah, this waltz was all that was needed to complete my defeat!
All too speedily the happy evening came to an end. On returning home, I undressed myself promptly, said good night to my husband and, under pretext of being tired, lay down with my buttocks turned toward Charles.
As it chanced, a caprice took him, and I felt him gently raise my chemise. Then, pressing me towards himself, he sought to put it into me from behind. For a moment I was disinclined but, within a moment, my temperament got the upper hand and I lent myself to his desires. He, however, fumbled at me clumsily and failed to gain an entry.
I lost my patience and, hurling the clothes down to the foot of the bed, I seized his reluctant dart and buried it within me to the hilt.
At this moment I scarcely thought of poor Charles, in my imagination Formatey had taken his place. I imagined that it was he who was moving behind me and in my mind I addressed to him everything that I could have wished to say if he had really been there.
Three times my amorous dew was shed for him and him alone, as the result of my thoughts my husband profited without knowing it, and behaved a little better than usual refreshing me with a more abundant shower of moisture.
When he withdrew I feared that, with his usual habitual ridiculous reserve, he would be displeased with the spontaneous impulse which had made me seize and imprison his instrument myself. On the contrary he appeared to take it kindly and I remembered it for the future.
The next day, when M. Formatey called to pay us a visit, we were out. I was really chagrined to find his card. The day after he called again, this eagerness pleased me very much, we received him in our best style and pressed him to come often.
It seemed to me that he regarded me with a particular sentiment and I was as happy as could be.
A tender intimacy was not slow in establishing itself between us and my love grew greater day by day. I knew that my adored Formatey already shared it. Up to now he had said nothing, but I was sure of it.
What woman ever deceived herself in this?
We never found ourselves alone: I ardently desired, but at the same time dreaded, this moment. I did not wish to deliver myself up to him entirely at the first encounter yet I felt that it would be impossible to resist for a single moment. I made a resolution to know him better but, unhappily, my strength deserted me completely as soon as I saw him.
In such a state how could I have resisted his attack?
One day he called about three o'clock in the afternoon. My husband was absent, but I had a very tiresome lady visitor who could not make up her mind to go.
I saw my dear Formatey suffering as he waited and, not being able to decently remain any longer, at last he started to leave, darting at me a glance that I could not resist. I said to him: 'Did not my husband promise you a book?'
'Yes, Madame. And I had hoped to get it today.'
'If you will wait. I will go and get it for you.'
'Will you excuse me, Madame?' I said to my eternal visitor, 'will you permit me to leave you alone for a moment?'
She replied, 'Oh, yes, willingly!'
We were in my little room. Formatey, who understood my little ruse, went out and waited for me in the next room, where I joined him with some book or other in my hand.
In an instant he declared his love for me. What did he say? What did I reply to him?
I know nothing, I remember nothing. I conducted him to the entrance door, fearing that someone would hear him; there was a double door between where we stood and a little ante-chamber where the servant was sitting.
M. Formatey seized me in his arms, half opened my lips and imprinted a kiss, a long kiss of fire, a kiss which re-echoed through my entire being and arrested the protest which I should have uttered in spite of myself.
At the same instant, his eager hand had raised my petticoats and his finger knowledgeably caressed my
