promise!'
The idea of being prostituted by these animals filled me with a sickly terror. All my beautiful dreams dashed to pieces.
And yet what was the difference between their lust and Mademoiselle's love, which I had so ardently desired? Elise came presently, looking vicious.
Mary got the steps and put them by me. Elise, without a word, gave me a few gratuitous lashes with her whip, unfastened my legs, made me mount the steps, unhook my hands, and descend.
I tottered and almost fell. Elise threatened to make Mary lie back on the bed with her dress up, and to rub my face well into her disgusting parts, much to that wrench's supreme delectation. She was covered with blushes, when Elise had finished speaking, and looked most repulsively love sick. Elise undid my swollen hands, and marched me into the next room where I found breakfast. Here she ordered me to lie down on the floor at her feet, confess the outrage I had put upon her the evening before, clasp her knees, and humbly and abjectly ask her pardon for the insult.
I lay down and she kicked me. It was repugnant to my very soul to confess that what I had done, or rather refused to do, was an outrage. It had been the price I had paid for my night with Mademoiselle.
'You insulted me, you wretch!'
'Indeed, indeed, Elise!'
'How dare you call me Elise?' (kick, kick). 'Lie there. Don't dare to get up, you beast! Say Miss Elise!'
'Oh, Miss Elise, I had to-'
'Yes, you dog, although I favoured you so-under my petticoats, my word! — and in my hands; an ugly old bitch would have affected you more.'
'Mademoiselle?'
'What is that to me-you set me at defiance. Mademoiselle gloried in the insult to me' (more kicks). 'You wretch, you,' and she became quite red with vexation. 'It was an outrage. Confess.'
I acknowledged it, although a great part of my life went with the acknowledgment. I clasped her knees and servilely begged her 101
pardon-implored it, prayed it. She smiled with satisfaction at the depths of humiliation to which she reduced me.
Taking me by the ear she led me into her bedroom and placed me across her bed, flat on my back, as Beatrice had done, my head again between her thighs as on the previous night. Then she worked me into a state of tremendous excitement, having previously, under threats of the severest penalties, made me promise on her account to 'go off,' as she called it. When I had grown enormously large she held me tightly with her legs and hurt me there fearfully. I thought she was tearing that sensitive part of me open. What she really did was to push the tight foreskin back, and she left it so. I danced about the room in anguish for this was the first time this had ever been done.
In that state I was bathed, then dressed as a girl with a tight corset of Beatrice's. Before she dressed me she replaced the skin with some difficulty. I was in such a state of nervous trepidation as to be scarcely able to eat.
When lesson time arrived she took me to the schoolroom and just outside the door she slyly slipped her hand under my skirts, got hold of that thing, and with a vicious vigorous tug, at which I nearly fainted, dragged back the skin and left it so. Then, opening the door, she pushed me in.
Mademoiselle and the girls were there. They immediately noticed my condition and laughed. Mademoiselle made me sit down. I could not sit still, but wriggled and fidgeted, and could not keep my hands quiet.
At last, Mademoiselle, tired of correcting me, gave me two bad marks and made Maud tie my hands behind and smack my face. I could not get the thing right. I was so bewildered I could not attend to lessons. My fidgeting continued until Maud was directed to hold me down across the ottoman and Agnes to birch me.
Still I was not cured.
Mademoiselle then enquired what was wrong. I could not tell her.
More birching till I could tell her. When I did so, she laughed delightedly and I had to lift up my skirts in front and stand whilst she gave leave to anyone who choose to take compassion on me to put me right.
No one moved. Could it have been expected of girls?
I had to go and ask each one in turn.
Maud gave me a blow for the insult.
Beatrice tickled my raw thing with her quill.
Agnes said she would not touch the horrid nasty affair.
Mademoiselle ultimately took pity on me.
That shameful part of me was, of course, prominently exposed to Mademoiselle and her smiling pupils.
I suppose the mad craving which I have heard exists in some men for being whipped by ladies is due to the possession in which it puts those ladies of the private structure of their bodies. It is an anticipation of the delight, resulting from a woman's conquest and control of their animal natures, gained by her in the act of copulation. But it always seemed to me to be founded upon a morbid appreciation of shame, and a morbid delectation in it.
Punishment by and before men would, of course, be a totally different matter.
The mystery of this fleeting evanescent feeling which I could not catch and analyse worried me.
When Mademoiselle spoke to me of being in that condition in the presence of ladies I had the hardihood to remark naively that it was natural I should be in that condition before them!
A peal of laughter greeted this observation.
CHAPTER 19
At half-past twelve, when lessons were concluded, Elise again made her appearance to claim me as her prisoner and I resigned myself to the inevitable with a sigh and accompanied her with a cowed, hang-dog, crushed, and humiliated feeling in which, in the presence of her petticoats and peeping ankles, I positively, to my surprise, found myself taking a queer sort of delight. It was of the same nature as that sensation caused me when I lay face uppermost between her bare legs, closely pressed to her body, exciting and forced to devour her living raw flesh. How oddly things strike one! I wondered whether this craving and gratification of mine were akin to those which the Israelites experienced in the desert, and which they satisfied with quails.
Logically or illogically, rightly or wrongly, I reflected that they had had the quails. And so I was confirmed in my determination to get any animal satisfaction I could out of Elise. That was not much.
Mademoiselle must have set bounds to it. Elise, Mary, and Susan, all threatened to make me do with them what I had implored Mademoiselle to allow me to do with her, but they never carried out their threat. Elise took me to the workroom. There was a wickerwork-stand there which was used for hanging dresses on while making or finishing them. It resembled half the divine female form, from the waist to the ground. Elise silently grasped me round the waist and inserted her hand under my skirts from behind. I trembled and gasped. I knew what was coming. She pressed her hand against my bottom, pushed it through my legs, caught hold of that affair of mine in front, and violently drew the skin down. I jumped, but could not escape from her grasp.
My petticoats rubbing against my more than nakedness hurt me severely. I changed colour, became pale, and then, a deep flush spread itself over my face. As soon as she had let me go I bent over in anguish, not daring to set myself right.
'Oh, Miss Elise, how severe you are.' I did not forget the 'Miss' this time.
'Oh,' she said triumphantly, 'strip yourself, Miss. I will have the maids in to see you like that when I have caged you.'
I at once proceeded to undress, cured long ago by her whip, of all idea of hesitating. She then tied my hands behind me with a tape.
'You were elongated this morning, you shall be packed together again now,' she continued, unfastening her whip from her waistband where it hung by a spring catch. 'Get under that dress stand. At once!'
