before the storm and not understanding all that she threatened me with I took the earliest opportunity of consulting a dictionary.
I was to be taken up to London to be unsexed, to be circumcised, to be castrated. I did not wish to become a Jew or a gelding. When I read the meaning of the words I all but fainted. Mademoiselle depicted my act in the blackest colours. But when after rating and abusing me for a quarter of an hour, she began to say that I had done Maud an irreparable injury, I wept, for my heart pulsated, transiently, but really, for that dear girl. I was still under the influence of the ineffable delight which she had given me in her arms. I still felt as though her soft, warm, yielding form lay beneath mine. And while we had lain on the floor naked, strapped back to back, we had exchanged vows of perpetual devotion, an offensive and defensive alliance which was to terminate with but the life of one of us.
The upshot-the immediate result-of the matter was that Mademoiselle concluded that when she had had Maud well syringed she had done all she could do.
Things were to go on as before-if she had before beaten me with whips, she would now do so with scorpions.
It was arranged that in three days Mademoiselle and Elise would take me to London to be unsexed, circumcised, and castrated; that the meantime was to be spent by me in Mademoiselle's bedroom and the room opening off it where I was to sleep, so that I might be a close prisoner and never out of her sight; that I was to spend those three days naked, and upon bread and water, and was to be birched each morning-first by Maud, then by Beatrice, then by Agnes; then, on my 132
return, I was to be handed over to Lady Alfred Ridlington, who was invited to pay Mademoiselle a long visit.
The idea of being unsexed filled me with nervous terrors as I stood quaking and naked before my furious governess who looked simply lovely in her anger. I consoled myself by the reflection that I had at least escaped the remainder of my term under Elise and her diabolical cruelties also. And I think my quiescence somewhat mollified Mademoiselle. I was devoutly glad the secret was to be kept from my parents.
Nothing befell Elise. Mademoiselle no doubt found it impossible; the deprivation of my three day's subjection to her was, I suppose, considered penance sufficient.
As for Maud, for some time I could not learn her fate. I know it now.
Beatrice was told nothing.
I gazed at Mademoiselle and hope sprang in my bosom; now, now that I knew all, now that the cat was out of the bag, might I indulge it?
She too gazed at me voluptuously. My appearance was not lost upon her, as her movements as she lectured me shew.
'Come here,' she said, at its conclusion, putting her legs apart as I advanced.
And for my part, as I have hinted, Mademoiselle's appearance was not lost upon me; it was ravishing, and gradually as I stood meekly before her, it obliterated my tender recollections and thoughts of Maud and the sensation of the embrace which still lingered so vividly that I could have almost believed it still endured.
'Come here,' said Mademoiselle, moving voluptuously, in her low musical voice, her liquid eyes resting upon me with a slight sparkle of 133
amusement in them as she observed my confusion which was increasing minute by minute.
Mademoiselle's tone had however been so severe and her attitude so angry and indignant that I feared to give the slightest indication which might lead her to imagine I felt there was any relaxation of her strictness. She had spoken to me de haut en bas, sharply and uncompromisingly. Were I to ignore all this, pay no attention to it, brush it aside, go on as though nothing had happened, and as though I was conscious of no fault and she was scolding and purposed punishing me simply pour les convenances and not from sincere displeasure, I felt that I should do for myself.
I was reassured by her direction to approach her and by the movement which accompanied it. One which I intuitively knew presaged my having to make amends to a very sensitive part of her exquisite frame-a part which had evidently been tickled and much excited by the occurrence upstairs in Maud's bedroom.
Anything, any little thing of this kind I could do to please and propitiate Mademoiselle, I was only too eager to execute, congratulating myself that it was no worse. And fatigued as I was by the experiences of that day-sore from the frequent castigations of Elise, sore and my bottom and thighs waled by the merciless thrashing Mademoiselle had administered on the spot with her riding whip-still I felt my passions and emotions welling up within me as I watched my beautiful governess, and as a consciousness of my absolute nakedness before her and of the offence with which I was charged stole over me.
Elise had been sent for me to Maud's room. Poor Maud had been for some time suffering very much from the cramped position and the tightness with which we had been buckled together. What my physical sensations would have been had not the anguish I was suffering from the whip prevented my adverting to them I do not know. My wrists were strapped to Maud's wrists, my ankles to hers. We were back to back, and there was a heavy strap buckled tightly round our waists keeping us in close and exciting contact with each other.
We had been strapped together as Maud lay writhing on the floor, having just had her bottom waled, as I had had mine by Mademoiselle; and hers being more tender, no doubt the infliction had been proportionally more severe.
We made several attempts to rise, which were all unsuccessful, and resulted only in our rolling over each other.
Maud, I must say, was very generous. When her bitter tears ceased to flow and the acuteness of her pain passed away, she did not reproach me as I almost dreaded she would. I felt that it had been to some extent my fault. For although she had obliged me to place Mons. Priapus into her wet, warm, burning moustached mouth, yet when I encountered the obstacle, she had bidden me desist, although her eyes swam and were kindled by what I now knew to be desire and her cheeks burned with the rosiest, loveliest blushes. I had not desisted. I had not heeded her in the smallest degree. I had, on the contrary, thrown myself upon her with animal rage and fury, driving all before it, had torn open her delicate body and deluged her internally with the essence of myself. I felt aghast when I contemplated my deed. I felt it was kind and generous of her not to reproach me.
She was very anxious about the consequences.
'Beatrice had forbidden me to be a model for your Apollo,' said I.
'What can Bee know?' answered Maud. 'Even I do not know why all this fuss is made. Of course I know it was very dreadful your putting that terrible thing of yours into-into me-where-where you did.' I could feel her flush as she said this. 'And then it went into such a fit, such throbs, like a steam engine. I could feel it to my finger tips- to the tips of my ears. Oh, Julian, it was nice! And really, I believe, because it was so naughty. And then it shot out some delicious wet that was like balm to a sore place. Oh, to think of it! Oh, how nice! Still, was it dirty? I suppose that is why Mademoiselle had me syringed so quickly before it could poison my blood or anything. But I do not see why they should make such a fuss about it. Mademoiselle does many worse things herself, as she must know I am aware. If you had not torn me open, you bad boy, they would never have found out. It was the blood that betrayed us. But I do not feel at all sore. In fact-in fact-oh, Julian, do you know, I should really like you to do it again. I feel I want it. I wonder whether there will ever be a chance?'
I was amazed at Maud's ignorance, and amused too; pluming myself on my superior knowledge. She spoke slowly, a sentence at a time, and I did not interrupt her, for I wished to ascertain exactly what she knew and I learnt she knew nothing! I was bursting with anxiety to impart my knowledge but I held my tongue until she had quite finished. Then I said, 'Don't you know, Maud, I should have been a model for a living Apollo.'
'Whatever do you mean, Julian?'
'Why, that is how babies are made!'
'How babies are made!' she cried. 'Nonsense! How do you know?'
'Mademoiselle told me.'
'Told you! Did-did you do it to her?' Maud's tone suddenly changed towards me as she asked this question. Had I answered in the affirmative I was convinced she would have been so jealous, that for a time, at any rate, she would have had nothing to do with me. Fortunately, I was able to answer: 'No.'
All the years that have elapsed since the period I am speaking of, have failed to teach me the reason of this desire in each individual woman to exclusively possess all the men whom she favours. My petticoats, my being so long treated as a female, my experiences with Lord Alfred 136
