class.
Too bad they don’t have siren school. I’m sure if they did, Killing Your Best Friend’s Brother 101 would be required.
“Oh. Uh, thanks,” I say.
She smiles. “Sure. Are we still doing movie night tonight?”
I blink. My face must betray me because she leans against the lockers next to us, lowering her voice. “I know this is weird.... It’s just . . .” She leans in closer. “It’s just . . . I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about all this. I’m so angry at you sometimes, and then I think about what I’ve done to you for the last two years, and I think maybe you’ve paid enough. I don’t know what I really want. But if you want to figure it out with me . . .”
I nod, clenching my jaw. I want to smile, cry, throw my arms around her, everything all at once. I force myself to remain neutral, pretend to be unaffected by Sienna’s offer.
“For, like, two seconds yesterday, it felt like it used to. Before he died. Is it stupid to want that? To forget about losing my brother for once in my life? Maybe we can’t be friends like before, but I feel like we should at least ... see.”
I swallow the lump in my throat, nearly choke on it. I want to tell her it’s not stupid to wish we could pretend like it was two years ago. Because I want the same thing. More than anything in the world.
Maybe . . . maybe it’s not impossible to have it. It could be different this time. I know what I am, what I’m capable of, now. I’ll just have to be more careful. I’ll make sure no one finds out what I am. Or gets hurt because of it.
I’m tired of being alone.
“So . . . movies?” She straightens, acting like the admission of weakness, of normal human confusion, never occurred.
“Yes,” I say. “That’d be great.”
“Awesome. I’ll come over around six,” she says, flipping a strand of her hair over her shoulder. She starts to turn, but I reach out a hand to stop her.
“Thank you,” I say. “For . . . you know.”
Her eyes soften again. She looks as if she wants to speak, but her lips stay pursed and she just nods.
I watch her walk away before I turn to my locker. I don’t know if that was the right choice. As hopeful as I’m trying to be, fear still gnaws.
I’m standing in line in the cafeteria, tapping my lunch card on the counter, when I feel a hand on my back. “Hey,” Cole says.
I turn and look at him, butterflies taking flight. “Hi.” I look back down at my card, feel a blush creep into my cheeks.
“I saved you a seat.”
I jerk back and look over at Sienna’s table, where two empty seats await.
“Oh, I don’t—”
“It’s cool. I promise. Just come eat with us, for old time’s sake.”
I swallow, glancing back at the table again. I don’t know if I can take this big of a step. I wanted to ease back into things, figure them out as I went along.
I hold my tray out for the lunch lady, who puts a slice of pizza on it.
Cole rests a hand on my shoulder. “Come on. I won’t take no for an answer.”
And then he’s smiling that gorgeous smile of his, and I find myself nodding, paying for my meal, following him across the cafeteria. He takes the seat nearest Patrick, Sienna’s boyfriend, and I take the one on the end. With the group . . . but not part of it.
For a long moment, no one speaks. I take a giant bite of pizza, wishing a big hole would come and swallow me up.
“So how’s your grandma?” Kristi asks, staring at me from across the table.
“Good,” I say.
“I haven’t seen her in forever.”
Over two years, I think. “She’s really into embroidery. If anyone wants a custom pillowcase . . .”
Nikki and Kristi giggle, and all of the sudden, I find myself smiling back at them. “Seriously. I’ve been hiding at least six sets in my closet because I can’t possibly use them all, but she likes making more. Still, I feel bad when she opens the linen closet and it practically explodes all over her.”
“She’s so cute. I can totally picture her in that recliner of hers, surrounded by like a million pillowcases,” Kristi says.
“You should come over sometime,” I say, before I can stop myself. “She’d love to see you again. And you know, I’m sure you’ll receive a lovely custom-made parting gift.”
She laughs again. “Yeah, totally.”
I want to hate the optimism building inside me, but I can’t bring myself to.
I want my friends back.
Chapter Sixteen
I spend two hours cleaning the house. Vacuuming the shag carpets, washing the wood-paneled walls with sweet-smelling Murphy Oil Soap, wiping down the marbled Formica counters, and scrubbing the old pink-ceramic toilets. I even scrub the shower, though obviously it’s not like Sienna is going to use it.
I’m acting as if this movie night is a date night or something. I shouldn’t feel the need to impress the girl who was once my best friend, who knew me better than anyone, with a clean house. But I do.
If my grandma is suspicious of my behavior, she doesn’t say anything; she just sits in her recliner flipping channels, occasionally glancing at me when I walk by.
At ten to six, the heat blasting from the woodstove has turned me into a sweaty mess, so I jump in the shower. Five minutes later, I’m throwing on a pair of jeans and a vintage T-shirt, running a brush through my hair as I walk down the hall, the freshly vacuumed shag carpet soft between my bare toes.
I hope I look okay. It’s been so long since I’ve tried to look good, but I don’t want to seem like I’m trying too hard either. I’ve spent two years trying to blend in to the background.
When I reach the living room, I do a double take. Sienna is already sitting on the couch, and she and Gram are laughing.
Neither of them look like themselves. Gram is bright, happy. Sienna is light, airy, chuckling, nothing like the person she’s been for the last two years. Relief surges through me.
Even though I’ve taken a step down a path I’m not entirely sure is the correct one, I have to keep going to see what happens.
Sienna smiles, a big, genuine, sparkling smile. It makes the mask she’s worn for two years seem like a distant memory. She holds up two DVDs. “I went with classic Reese Witherspoon.
“
“I know.” She winks at me.
Oh. Right. “Let’s watch that first.”
Sienna hops up off the couch to put the movie in. Right on cue, my grandma stands up. “I’ll leave you girls to it. I have a bit of a headache today,” she says.
“Are you sure? You can stay—”
Gram waves it away, her deeply wrinkled eyes blinking rapidly. The only time she blinks like that is when she’s lying. She doesn’t know I can read her so easily. “Yes, I’m rather tired, so I’m just going to go to bed early today. Popcorn is in the cupboard.”
I suppress the urge to smile. I give Gram a hug, and don’t miss the sparkle in her eyes. Was she really that worried about me? “Thanks, Gram.”
“G’night, Mrs. Wentworth,” Sienna says as she picks up the remote.
