same guy he was two years ago. If I wanted to ensure he’d never take me back, I just did it successfully. I walk away from him without a word, my resolve weakening with every step, hating myself more and more. But I did what I had to do. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.
But it doesn’t change the fact that my heart has disintegrated into a million pieces, leaving a gaping hole where it used to be.
Cole isn’t sitting at Sienna’s table at lunch. His absence seems bigger than anything else in the room.
Erik is sitting in the same spot he’s occupied for the last week, at Sienna’s table. At my table. He’s motioning wildly with his hands, telling some kind of story. Everyone around him hangs on his every word. Less than a month and he’s got them, hook, line, and sinker. I guess it’s not hard to be popular when you look like Erik does—more like a model than a teen. He’s easily the hottest guy ever to sit in this cafeteria. In high school, that means one thing: the A-list.
I’m strangely grateful for that. For Erik fitting right into my old clique. It’ll make everything about this easier. I can fit into my old life, and he’ll fit into it with me.
I look around, trying to find Cole, but I don’t see him, and I can’t just stand over here, frozen. So I fake the best smile I can muster and head to their table. There’s one empty seat, next to Erik, and he beams at me when I sit next to him.
For a long second, the whole table is silent. It’s like I can see them rewinding, remembering the party last Friday. It’s as if they’re asking themselves: Wasn’t she with Cole? Nikki has some weird smirk frozen on her face, something between amusement and anger, like she can’t choose between the two. A blind person would have picked up on the fact that she was into Erik. I hope she doesn’t get upset that I’m going to be the one with him.
Erik covers for me by launching into a new story, trying to distract everyone. I stare down at the peeling veneer on the cafeteria table and wonder how long it would take me to rip off the whole chunk.
Sienna kicks me under the table to get my attention. Once she does, she gives me this wide-eyed “What the hell is going on?” sort of look. She wants to know where Cole is, why I’m sitting with Erik. I give her a feeble shrug and try to listen to Erik’s story, but as soon as I hear “incomplete” and “thirty-yard line,” I realize they’re talking about football. From then on, I only pretend to listen, nodding my head occasionally.
And that’s when I see Cole watching us from across the cafeteria, where he’s standing in line. The expression on his face is a mix of a hundred things: anger, hurt, surprise. He must know now that it’s about Erik. I didn’t just run away from Cole. I ran
If only I could tell Cole what Erik is, what he represents. Then all of this wouldn’t be so bad. But I can’t. I can’t ever tell him that
Even still, I mouth, “I’m sorry.” But either he doesn’t see me or he doesn’t care. He leaves the lunch line without getting any food, stalking out of the cafeteria. The door quietly clicks shut, but to me, it seems as if it slams with a bang.
He’s done with me.
Erik and I go to the ocean as the sun slips toward the horizon, to a secluded place near the bluffs outside of town. At first, I didn’t want to. I was afraid that same overwhelming desire I had that night with Steven would crop up. I was afraid I’d beg Erik to swim with me, would somehow convince him to get into the water.
But Erik persuaded me otherwise. It’s all part of his plan to prove to me that we really can be normal together, that I might still be driven to drown regular guys, but that I can’t drown
He brought a blanket, a beautiful worn-out handmade quilt, and we’re leaning back on our elbows, watching the sun set. Nerves multiply in my stomach. I don’t know what the next twenty minutes will bring, how I’m going to feel, or why Erik is sitting there, so casual and unworried.
I haven’t been on the beach at sunset since Steven. If he’s wrong, I don’t know if I’ll be able to resist dragging him into the surf like that night.
We don’t speak, we just sit, a gentle salty breeze ruffling our hair as the sun slips lower and lower on the horizon, until the sea is touching the burning-red sphere.
My breath gets shallower with each passing moment as the sun completes its arc. The sounds of the waves reach a crescendo, and I can’t hear anything but the whoosh of the water, in and out, my own breath matching its pace.
The desire to swim grows within me, and I sit up, twist around, and look at Erik.
“You want it, don’t you?” he asks.
I nod, clench my teeth together.
“But I won’t follow you. I’m not tempted by your voice. I wasn’t at the lake, and I won’t be now.”
I just sit there, dumbly. How can he say it, so simply? How can he know what I am and not hate me for it?
Erik drapes an arm over my shoulder and pulls me into him. I bury my face into his chest and let out the longest, slowest sigh I’m capable of. My body still burns to stand and run into the surf, but for now I ignore it. I’ll go to my lake later.
“Eventually, this will be over. We can sit here, and you won’t even be tempted to do what I know you’re thinking right now.”
Tears spring forth. They drip down my cheeks before I’m even aware they’ve left my eyes. Erik rests his chin on top of my head and stays silent, one hand brushing softly up and down my back.
He knows what I am and he still wants me.
Everything I ever wanted, everything that was so far beyond my reach is now obtainable.
“I want to go to homecoming,” I manage to gasp out, my voice garbled with tears.
“What?”
“The dance. I want to go with all of my friends. Like I would have two years ago.”
He nods and squeezes me.
“And I want to play a sport. Or maybe ... be in some kind of club.”
He doesn’t speak.
“And I want to go to college somewhere far away.”
Erik keeps rubbing my back, listening to me rant with a soft smile on his face. I voice the dreams I never thought were possible.
When I’m done, he pushes a lock of hair away from my eyes and simply says, “You will.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
When I walk into school on Monday, I float through the halls, still a little dazed by the unexpected turn of my life. How is it that a week ago, I knew nothing of Erik, and now I owe him everything?
“Please tell me it’s not about him,” a voice calls over my shoulder. I spin around and see Cole leaning against the wall.
“Who?”
Cole pushes away from the cinder block and walks up to me. “Erik.”
I hesitate. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have already.
“So what’s the deal? Just trade one guy for another?”
“It’s not like that,” I say.
“I thought we had something real.”
“Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”
He stares right at me for a long second. “Every time something goes wrong, every time life gets hard, you withdraw.”
“Please, just go.”
“I’m already gone. Have a nice life.”
