'Any idea where this bastard is?' he asks.
'If we're lucky he's been transferred,' I say.
'Who'd have him?'
Aye, well, right enough.
'Got a smoke, Hutton?'
Go to my desk and dig out the packet of Marlboro's. Remove two, light up, and then hand him the other and the lighter. As usual, get a look or two from the odd spotty constable, but no one says anything. It shakes pathetically in his hand, flame flickering, and he takes several seconds to find the end of the cigarette. Wish I'd done it for him.
'What you going to do now?' I ask.
He doesn't answer immediately; starts coughing up a variety of revolting substances from his lungs the second the smoke hits the net. A young PC I don't recognise walks by, looks at Jonah as if he's scum. Perhaps assuming he's on the other side of the great law and order fence. Which he probably is.
'The bitch wants us to resign.'
'And?'
Coughs some more as he tries again with the cigarette.
'No chance. I'm here 'til they get rid of me. She can go fuck herself.'
He looks up at me, points the cigarette.
'I fucked that bitch before, you know. Long time ago, you know, but I did it.'
Aye, I know. Back in the glory days, when Jonah Bloonsbury was worth it.
'Now look at her. She's fucking me…'
Don't know what to say to him. You're not the only one, big man.
He stands up, attempts to straighten his shoulders.
'Well, they can all piss off. I'm not resigning for any bastard. Especially not her. Hasn't heard the last of Jonah fucking Bloonsbury.'
The phone rings behind me, just as he starts to walk off. Saves me from further discourse — not that I was going to say anything else to him anyway.
'If that's for me, tell them I'm away getting pissed,' he says, and stumbles out of the office, bumping into PC Forsyth as he goes.
If it's for you, they'll already know you're getting pissed.
Lift the phone. 'Hutton.'
'Thomas?'
Peggy. Bugger. Had to happen sometime. Couldn't keep avoiding her for the rest of my life. Especially not if I want to marry her again.
'Peggy, how are you?'
'I'm all right, Thomas. I tried to get you all weekend. What were you doing?'
Sounds annoyed. Here we go again. The same old story. Except, this time she's got a point.
'Look, I'm sorry, Peggy, but you must have seen the news. Saturday morning…'
'Aye, of course.'
'It's been bedlam all weekend. I'm on the case, and I keep getting landed with all the other crap that's going.'
'I understand, but you weren't there all Saturday night, were you? Or Sunday morning? What were you doing Thomas? You must have slept. You could have slept here. You could have called. You never replied to my texts.'
It's a sixth sense thing. She's got me by the balls. Peggy's not one of those high strung neurotic types who disappears up the backside of insecurity as soon as you mention another woman's name or appear home fifteen seconds late for your dinner. The only reason she's annoyed at me for not showing on Saturday night is because she knows. I can feel it. So I'm going to have to put a lot more effort into lying.
'Look, Dan's been sending me out on a whole bunch of shite. Just haven't stopped.'
'He didn't know where you were on Sunday morning. Thought you were with me.'
Shit. Backed up against a wall. Gun at my head.
'The children were looking forward to it, Thomas. You could have called.'
She pauses, but I've no idea what to say. She knows nothing, and yet I feel as if I've been well and truly caught with my pants down.
'Look, I know we're not back together or anything,' she says, 'but Christmas Day…you know. I just thought… well, if there's someone else you could at least tell me.'
Stand fast. Lie big time.
'No, honestly, there's not. I was following up all sorts of shite that even Dan doesn't know about. This whole murder thing's getting freaky.' Can't believe I used the word 'honestly'. A sure give-away. 'Can I see you tonight, I'll tell you all about it. Promise.'
'Is there any point?'
'Honestly, there's a lot going on, Peggy.' Stop saying fucking honestly, you moron. 'I'll come over tonight when I can get away. Tell you all about it.'
She hesitates, but I've got her.
'All right,' she says. 'I'll wait up.'
'Good. I'll try not to be late.'
'Like I said, I'll wait up.'
Right. The phone goes dead. Put the receiver back down. Feel like I've just got out of jail, but that I'll probably be going back in later on tonight. If I ever get there.
Start going into my feelings on the whole thing. It was her who left me for another man. She divorced me. We had sex for a night, and then wham, I'm under obligation again.
Suppose she's right. It was me that coughed up the diamond earrings. A few days ago I thought I was still in love with her. One infatuation later, and what? I don't know. I should be still in love with her, but I may be too much of a Muppet for that.
Love, for crying out loud. Who am I kidding?
Bloonsbury reappears. Smell him before I see him. He stumbles past the desk, leaning on anything he can.
'Can't believe I forgot my fucking booze,' he says, heading back towards his office.
Can't believe he's got a bottle in there that's not empty.
31
So I got back from Bosnia and talked to a psychiatrist for ten minutes. Haven't talked to anyone since. I don't want it to be about me. Ever. Doesn't matter what 'it' is, it's not about me.
I know it's good to talk, and I know the only way I'm ever going to escape the awfulness of the memories I've carried around since then is to let it all out, but I just don't think it's ever going to happen.
I used to think, when I'd come home — after I'd walked out on the professional psych-woman — that I'd find a woman to confide in. A lover. Always found women easy to talk to. And there'd be these women that I'd sleep with or do whatever with, and not once did I ever think, yep, I can talk to you, let me tell you all sorts of fucking shit that you won't believe. Not once.
I thought, romantically maybe… is this romantic?… that there'd be someone out there, and I'd know instinctively that she was the one and that I'd want to talk to her, and it would just all come out in a rush, and I'd probably end up crying like some fucking reality TV contestant. There'd be one, and I'd know.
Well, I damn well knew it wasn't Jean Fryar. Holy crap, we never talked about anything, other than her and what she needed and what I was giving her and how I could make her life less shit.
Peggy, however, she was different. Right from the start, I thought, this is it. This is the woman I'll talk to. This is the woman with whom I'll sit down, and she'll be my counsellor and I'll be able to get all that fucking crap
