Beautiful Disaster

folded them across one another. Once he was satisfied that I was holding him tightly enough, he took off, racing down the road.

I rested my cheek against his back and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. It reminded me of his apartment, and his sheets, and the way he smelled when he walked around with a towel around his waist. The city blurred past us, and I didn’t care how fast he was driving, or how cold the wind was as it whipped across my skin; I wasn’t even paying attention to where we were. The only thing I could think about was his body against mine. We had no destination or time frame, and we drove the streets long after they had been abandoned by everyone but us.

Travis pulled into a gas station and parked. “You want anything?” he asked.

I shook my head, climbing off the bike to stretch my legs. He watched me rake my fingers through the tangles in my hair, and smiled.

“Quit it. You’re fucking beautiful.”

“Just point me to the nearest eighties rock video,” I said.

He laughed, and then yawned, swatting at the moths that buzzed around him. The nozzle clicked, sounding louder than it should in the quiet night. We seemed to be the only two people on earth.

I pulled out my cell phone to check the time. “Oh my God, Trav. It’s three in the morning.”

“You wanna go back?” he asked, his face shadowed with disappointment.

I pressed my lips together. “We better.”

“We’re still going bowling tonight?”

“I told you I would.”

“And you’re still going to Sig Tau with me in a couple weeks, right?”

“Are you insinuating that I don’t follow through? I find that a little insulting.”

He pulled the nozzle from his tank and hooked it on its base. “I just never know what you’re going to do anymore.”

He sat on his bike and helped me to climb on behind him. I hooked my fingers in his belt loops and then thought better of it, wrapping my arms around him.

He sighed and leaned the bike upright, reluctant to start the engine. His knuckles turned white as he gripped the handle bars. He took a breath, beginning to speak, and then shook his head.

“You’re important to me, you know,” I said, squeezing him.

“I don’t understand you, Pigeon. I thought I knew women, but you’re so fucking confusing I don’t know which way is up.”

“I don’t understand you, either. You’re supposed to be Eastern’s ladies’ man. I’m not getting the full freshmen experience they promised in the brochure,” I teased.

“Well, that’s a first. I’ve never had a girl sleep with me to get me to leave her alone,” he said, keeping his back to me.

“That’s not what it was, Travis,” I lied, ashamed that he had guessed my intentions without realizing how right he was.

He shook his head and started the engine, pulling out onto the street. He drove uncharacteristically slow, stopping at all the yellow lights, taking the long way to campus.

When we pulled in front of the entrance of Morgan Hall, the same sadness I felt the night I left the apartment consumed me. It knew it was ridiculous to be so emotional, but each time I did something to push him away, I was terrified it would work.

He walked me to the door, and I pulled out my keys, avoiding his eyes. As I fumbled with the metal in my hand, his hand was suddenly at my chin, his thumb softly touching my lips.

“Did he kiss you?” he asked.

I pulled away, surprised that his fingers caused a burning feeling that seared every nerve from my mouth to my toes. “You really know how to screw up a perfect night, don’t you?”

“You thought it was perfect, huh? Does that mean you had a good time?”

“I always do when I’m with you.”

He looked to the ground and his eyebrows pulled together. “Did he kiss you?”

“Yes,” I sighed, irritated.

His eyes closed tight. “Is that all?”

“That is none of your business!” I said, yanking open the door.

Travis pushed it closed and stood in my way, his expression apologetic. “I need to know.”

“No you don’t! Move, Travis!”

“Pigeon…,”

“You think because I’m no longer a virgin, I’ll screw anyone that’ll have me? Thanks!” I said, shoving him.

“I didn’t say that, damn it! Is it too much to ask for a little peace of mind?”

“Why would it give you peace of mind to know if I’m sleeping with Parker?”

“How can you not know? It’s obvious to everyone else but you!” he said, exasperated.

“I guess I’m just an idiot, then. You’re on a roll tonight, Trav,” I said, reaching for the door handle.

He gripped my shoulders. “The way I feel about you…it’s crazy.”

“You got the crazy part right,” I snapped, pulling away from him.

“I practiced this in my head the whole time we were on the bike, so just hear me out,” he said.

“Travis—,”

“I know we’re fucked up, all right? I’m impulsive, and hot-tempered, and you get under my skin like no one else. You act like you hate me one minute, and then you need me the next. I never get anything right, and I don’t deserve you…but I fucking love you, Abby. I love you more than I’ve loved anyone or anything, ever. When you’re around, I don’t need booze, or money, or the fighting, or the one-night stands…all I need is you. You’re all I think about. You’re all I dream about. You’re all I want.”

My plan to feign ignorance was an epic fail. I couldn’t pretend to be impervious when he had laid all of his cards on the table. When we met, something inside both of us had changed, and whatever that was, it made us need each other. For reasons unknown to me, I was his exception, and as much as I had tried to fight my feelings, he was mine.

He shook his head, cupped each side of my face, and looked into my eyes. “Did you sleep with him?”

Hot tears filled my eyes as I shook my head no. He slammed his lips against mine, and his tongue entered my mouth without hesitation. Unable to control myself, I gripped his shirt in my fists, and pulled him to me. He hummed in his amazing, deep voice, and gripped me so tight that it was difficult to breathe.

He pulled back, breathless. “Call Parker. Tell him you don’t wanna see him anymore. Tell him you’re with me.”

I closed my eyes. “I can’t be with you, Travis.”

“Why the hell not?” he said, letting go.

I shook my head, afraid of his reaction to the truth.

He laughed once. “Unbelievable. The one girl I want, and she doesn’t want me.”

I swallowed, knowing I would have to get closer to the truth than I had in months. “When America and I moved out here, it was with the understanding that my life was going to turn out a certain way. Or, that it wouldn’t turn out a certain way. The fighting, the gambling, the drinking…it’s what I left behind. When I’m around you…it’s all right there for me in an irresistible, tattooed package. I didn’t move hundreds of miles away to live it all over again.”

He pulled my chin up so that I would face him. “I know you deserve better than me. You think I don’t know that? But if there was any woman made for me…it’s you. I’ll do whatever I have to do, Pidge. Do you hear me? I’ll do anything.”

I turned away from his grip, ashamed that I couldn’t tell him the truth. I was the one that wasn’t good enough. I would be the one to ruin everything; to ruin him. He would hate me one day, and I couldn’t see the look in his eye when he came to that conclusion.

He held the door shut with his hand. “I’ll stop fighting the second I graduate. I won’t drink a single drop again. I’ll give you the happy ever after, Pigeon. If you just believe in me, I can do it.”

“I don’t want you to change.”