Beautiful Disaster

room.

“Pidge? Open the fucking door, dammit! I’m not leaving until you talk to me! Pigeon!” he yelled, banging on the door so loudly the entire building could have heard.

I cringed when I heard Kara’s mousy voice.

“What?” she growled.

I pressed my ear against the door, struggling to hear Travis’ low murmurs. I didn’t have to strain for long.

“I know she’s here!” he yelled. “Pigeon?”

“She’s not…Hey!” Kara squealed.

The door cracked against the cement block wall of our room and I knew that Travis had forced his way in. After a full minute of silence, I heard Travis yell down the hall. “Pigeon! Where is she?”

“I haven’t seen her!” Kara shouted, angrier than I’d ever heard her. The door slammed shut and sudden nausea overwhelmed me as I waited for what Travis would do next.

After several minutes of quiet, I cracked open the door, peering down the wide hallway. Travis sat with his back against the wall with his hands covering his face. I shut the door as quietly as I could, worrying the campus police had been called. After an hour, I glanced down the hall again. Travis hadn’t moved.

I checked twice more during the night, finally falling asleep around four. I purposefully overslept, knowing I would be skipping my classes that day. I turned on my phone to check my messages, seeing that Travis had flooded my inbox. The endless texts he’d sent me through the night varied from apologies to rants.

I called America in the afternoon, hoping Travis hadn’t confiscated her cell phone. When she answered, I sighed.

“Hey.”

America kept her voice low. “I haven’t told Shepley where you are. I don’t want him in the middle of this. Travis is crazy pissed at me right now. I’m probably staying at Morgan tonight.”

“If Travis hasn’t calmed down…good luck getting any sleep here. He made an Oscar-worthy performance in the hall last night. I’m surprised no one called security.”

“He was kicked out of History today. When you didn’t show, he kicked over both of your desks. Shep heard that he waited for you after all of your classes. He’s losin’ it, Abby. I told him you were done the second he made the decision to work for Benny. I can’t believe he thought for a single second you would be okay with that.”

“I guess I’ll see you when you get here. I don’t think I can go to my room, yet.”

America and I were roommates over the next week, and she made sure to keep Shepley clear of me so he wouldn’t be tempted to tell Travis of my whereabouts. It was a full time job evading a run-in with him. I avoided the cafeteria at all costs, History class, and I played it safe by leaving my classes early. I knew that I would have to talk to Travis sometime, but I couldn’t until he had calmed down enough to accept my decision.

I sat alone Friday night, laying in bed, holding the phone to my ear. I rolled my eyes when my stomach growled.

“I can come pick you up and take you somewhere for dinner,” America said.

I flipped through my History book, skipping over where Travis had doodled and scribbled love notes in the margins. “No, it’s your first night with Shep in almost a week, Mare. I’m just going to pop over to the cafeteria.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. Tell Shep I said hi.”

I walked slow to the cafeteria, in no hurry to suffer the stares of those at the tables. The entire school was abuzz with the breakup, and Travis’ volatile behavior didn’t help. Just when the lights of the cafeteria came into view, I saw a dark figure approach.

“Pigeon?”

Startled, I jerked to a stop. Travis walked into the light, unshaven and pale. “Jesus, Travis! You scared the hell out of me!”

“If you would answer your phone when I call I wouldn’t have to sneak around in the dark.”

“You look like hell,” I said.

“I’ve been through there once or twice this week.”

I tightened my arms around me. “I’m actually on my way to grab something to eat. I’ll call you later, okay?”

“No. We have to talk.”

“Trav….”

“I turned Benny down. I called him Wednesday and told him no.” There was hopeful glimmer in his eyes, but it disappeared when he registered my expression.

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Travis.”

“Say you forgive me. Say you’ll take me back.”

I clenched my teeth together, forbidding myself to cry. “I can’t.”

Travis’ face crumpled and I took the opportunity to walk around him, but he side-stepped to stand in my way. “I haven’t slept, or ate…I can’t concentrate. I know you love me. Everything will be the way it used to be if you’d just take me back.”

I closed my eyes. “We are dysfunctional, Travis. I think you’re just obsessed with the thought of owning me more than anything else.”

“That’s not true. I love you more than my life, Pigeon,” he said, hurt.

“That’s exactly what I mean. That’s crazy talk.”

“It’s not crazy. It’s the truth.”

“Okay…so what exactly is the order for you? Is it money, me, your life…or is there something that comes before money?”

“I realize what I’ve done, okay? I see where you’d think that, but if I’d known that you were gonna leave me, I would have never…I just wanted to take care of you.”

“You’ve said that.”

“Please don’t do this. I can’t stand feeling like this…it’s…it’s killin’ me,” he said, exhaling as if the air had been knocked out of him.

“I’m done, Travis.”

He winced. “Don’t say that.”

“It’s over. Go home.”

His eyebrows pulled in. “You’re my home.”

His words cut me, and my chest tightened so much that it was hard to breathe. “You made your choice, Trav. I’ve made mine,” I said, inwardly cursing the quivering in my voice.

“I’m going to stay the hell out of Vegas, and away from Benny…I’m going to finish school. But I need you. I need you. You’re my best friend.” His voice was desperate and broken, matching his expression.

In the dim light I could see a tear fall from his eye, and in the next moment he reached out for me and I was in his arms, his lips on mine. He squeezed me tight against his chest as he kissed me, and then cradled my face in his hands, pressing his lips harder against my mouth, desperate to get a reaction.

“Kiss me,” he whispered, sealing his mouth on mine. I kept my eyes and mouth closed, relaxing in his arms. It took everything I had not to move my mouth with his, having longed for his lips all week. “Kiss me!” he begged. “Please, Pigeon! I told him no!”

When I felt hot tears searing down my cold face, I shoved him away. “Leave me alone, Travis!”

I had only made it a few feet when he grabbed my wrist. My arm was straight, outstretched behind me. I didn’t turn around.

“I am begging you.” My arm lowered and tugged as he fell to his knees. “I’m begging you, Abby. Don’t do this.”

I turned to see his agonized expression, and then my eyes drifted down my arm to his, seeing my name in thick black letters on his flexed wrist. I looked away, toward the cafeteria. He had proven to me what I had been afraid of all along. As much as he loved me, when money was involved, I would be second. Just like I was with