“Well, you’re always welcome here. You know that. I’ll see
“You really okay?” Kaylie asked, reaching for her purse. “ ’Cause you can tell me anything.”
I shrugged, not trusting my voice, and stared off into the distance, trying to maintain some control. She had no idea what “anything” might mean.
“Listen,” she said, turning off her bedroom light. “The stars are aligning. I can feel it. This is going to be your night. It’s going to be great.” The more she spoke, the more excited Kaylie seemed to get. It was hard not to catch a little bit of her enthusiasm.
“If you say so,” I managed.
“Well, I do say so.” She looked me up and down and brushed some stray hairs away from my face. It was such a caring gesture that it almost made me start crying again.
“Thanks,” I said quietly. At least for tonight I had a real best friend. I stood a little straighter, trying to be one of those people who took chances. “Okay, let’s go.” I didn’t look back as we walked out of the house and into the last normal night of my life.
chapter 16
9:00 p.m.
Vanessa’s sister pulled up just as we got outside. She slid the back door open and then grabbed her phone to answer a quick text.
“Hey, Lucy,” Vanessa said from the front seat as we climbed into the minivan. “I didn’t think you were coming.”
In the split second between when she spoke and when I answered, a million thoughts ran through my brain. Did she
“Yeah,” I said. “I got done early so I decided to come along.”
Kaylie smacked me on the shoulder. “She got done early and couldn’t stand the thought of Josh Lee being there all by himself.” She sat back hard as the van lurched into the street.
“Are you having a thing with Josh Lee?” Vanessa asked in a tone that said she didn’t believe it.
“No,” I said. “Kaylie’s just hallucinating.” I could feel my cheeks getting warm at the thought of seeing him. Focusing on Josh made my nerves calm down a little. I had to put Mom and the house behind me if I was going to go through with this. This was my only shot, and I had to take it because there probably wouldn’t be another one.
“Not even,” she said. “You should have seen them at the movies last night.”
God, was that really only last night? It seemed like weeks ago.
“That’s funny. I thought he was back together with Cara,” Vanessa said. I was pretty sure she was lying, but the thought made my stomach turn. Still, it wouldn’t be that surprising—they were bound to get back together at some point. Vanessa grinned at me as she sat back in her seat and pulled a cigarette out of her purse. She’d taken a few drags when Kaylie smelled it and popped the back window open.
“Nessa!” she yelled. “My mom will have a heart attack if she smells smoke on me!”
“All right, all right,” Vanessa said, leaning forward to toss the cigarette out the front window. “Calm down. You act like you’ve never seen anyone smoking before.”
Kaylie waved her hands around the interior of the van, trying to coax the smoke outside. “I’ve never seen you smoking before. What were you thinking? You know your mom would kill you for stinking up her van.”
Vanessa reached into her purse and pulled out a pack of Camel 100’s. “She wouldn’t care. Besides, these things totally help you lose weight,” she said. “They’re kind of expensive, but cheaper than diet pills as long as you buy them by the carton.”
“Just stay away from me with those,” Kaylie said. “I don’t need to get grounded.”
Vanessa’s sister parked behind a long line of cars on the normally quiet street. Even inside the van we could hear music coming from a house halfway up the block. I felt a strange thrill run through me at the thought of Josh being so close. “I’m not getting the rest of my winter break wrecked because you need to be skinnier,” Kaylie said.
“Whatever,” Vanessa said and opened the door. “There’s Tricia! Hey, I’ll meet you guys up there.” She hopped out of the van as delicately as someone who is wearing a super-short miniskirt can. “Trish! Wait up!”
I watched Vanessa walk up the dimly lit street, her multihued blond hair waving behind her like a shimmering stream and the three-inch heels she was wearing not slowing her stride a bit. I envied Vanessa not because most of her butt was hanging out of her skirt—that just made me feel colder—but because she truly never cared what other people thought of her. She’d say something mean about someone, something that most everyone had probably been thinking, anyway, but the difference was she’d say it to their face. That kind of behavior didn’t make people hate her like you’d think it would. Instead, it made most people hope that they weren’t the one she was talking about. She had always left me pretty much alone. So far.
Kaylie wriggled out of the backseat and jumped to the ground. “Let’s do it.”
I’d left the house so quickly I didn’t have anything with me, and it made me feel kind of naked. I stuck my hands in my jacket pockets to warm them. Teddy B.’s leg was near the left pocket under my jacket, and I gave it a little squeeze for luck or courage or something.
I tried to be cool as we walked into the party. A few people I didn’t recognize weren’t so much dancing as swaying in the middle of the living room floor. One girl dressed in a pink sweater was draped over the shoulders of a short guy in saggy jeans. She looked like she was sleeping.
“Most people are probably out back,” Kaylie said, and, grabbing my hand, pulled me toward the sliding glass doors at one end of the room.
It was so cold outside that there were puffs of steam hovering just over everyone’s heads as they exhaled. At the back of the patio on a small raised deck, Josh stood with a guitar slung low on his hips and one hand on the microphone. He was wearing a thin T-shirt and jeans, in contrast to everyone else who was bundled in down jackets and scarves. The muscles in his arms were marked by ropy veins that pulsed every time he played a chord on the guitar. Even from back here I could see the sweat dripping down the side of his temples, and the front of his hair was plastered to his forehead. There was a group of people gathered around the makeshift stage, with a bunch of girls lining the front. The waves of desire between the crowd and the band were almost physical as Josh began to sing, his eyes closed with the effort. All of a sudden I wished I hadn’t come. Josh could have any girl here—why did I think he’d want me? That he had his arm around me just a few hours ago seemed suddenly impossible.
I felt like I did the one and only time we’d spoken at school earlier this year—stupid and delusional. I’d been standing by my locker shifting books out of my backpack when I saw him a few feet away talking to Steve Romero. I heard Steve slam his locker and walk away, which is why I was totally startled to see Josh still standing there as I turned to go to class.
“Hey,” he said, smiling at me, either not noticing or ignoring the fact that I jumped a mile. “We have physics together, don’t we?”
“Mmm hmm.” I nodded. I didn’t trust myself to say actual words.
“You’re Lucy, right?” he said, not waiting for an answer. “I’m Josh. Josh Lee.”
“I kn—” I realized almost too late that “I know” would be kind of obvious. “Right,” I finally said, managing a tight smile. “Yeah, I’m Lucy. Tompkins.”
He turned to go and I stood there hyperventilating like an idiot, not believing we had an almost-conversation. After a few steps, he turned back to look at me. “Come on,” he said. “We’d better hurry if we’re going to make it before the bell.”
I took a few quick steps to catch up to him. “Right,” I said. “Physics.” Our strides matched as we walked down the hall, me racking my brain trying to come up with something interesting to say. Luckily, Josh didn’t seem to have the same problem.
