their blind impatience, — until the time came when, in the full consciousness of her desire, my wife would give herself to me voluntarily.
Therese's confession-dispelling the restraint which weighed upon us-now inspired a paean of victory in my heart. Joy at regaining confidence in myself, — joy at the thought of a future which had again become luminous! Therese read that joy in my eyes. Seizing one of the crimson carnations and kissing it, she exclaimed 'Ready!' and cast the bloom in my face. Our dinner concluded amidst an atmosphere of gaiety which, but a short time before, had certainly never been my hope.
With a thousand burlesque ceremonies, Therese led me to an armchair and made me sit down, while she occupied herself with clearing away. All she had to do, however, was to place the remains of our little dinner in a turning-box (like that in convents), whence they could be removed from the outside, without disturbing our solitude. For the master of the house had seen to all intimate refinements; and we might have wandered about stark naked from cellar to garret without fear of any indiscreet surprise.
Momentarily I imagined myself in that condition, without, however, the slightest libidinous idea: above all I evoked the well-being of a state of nudity on such an exceedingly hot evening as that was. But I kept that innocent little dream to myself. My wife is not fond of that kind of humour and never will be. After many months of marriage, during which we have practiced every form of voluptuousness and obeyed every suggestion of an unfettered imagination, she would still take offence at a risky joke or vulgar gesture. The passionate priestess of our fleshly delights, and capable of overcoming all sense of shame amidst the intoxication of the senses, she would never, on the other hand, sanction either those sacrilegious pleasantries or needless indecencies which profane love without enriching sensual pleasure.
While clearing the table, Therese resumed her pranks. This time she was no longer the Marchioness of the top of a sweet-meat box but a smart little maid who scamped her household duties in order to join her lover as quickly as possible. Then she tripped towards me and, after claiming a kiss for her mimicry, sat down on my knees. Under the warm pressure of her thighs and owing to the thinness of our clothing, my sex began to swell with desire; and in response to its dull pulsations came the accelerated throbbing of my temples. With my left arm bent, I made a support for Therese, while with my free hand I pressed her legs against me, so as to prevent this hand, against my will, from fondling her breasts, which were so tantalizingly accessible beneath her lowcut dress.
Therese brought her lips to my mouth and kissed me most passionately.
I responded by advancing my tongue. For a moment her lips resisted and even drew back a little; but suddenly they half-opened, in a sort of ardent aspiration, as though they were drinking at an unknown spring.
And while with my tongue I slowly, lightly caressed those offered lips, Therese remained in a state of complete immobility, hardly breathing, and with her voluptuous attention at full stretch. Meanwhile, similar to those ground-swells which suddenly disturb the apparent calmness of the sea, a great shiver ran through her body and set her trembling when, on separating her lips, my caress became more active and persistent. Then, again, Therese surrendered herself, almost in a swoon, as though all the life in her were taking refuge in the acceptation of an unsuspected pleasure.
When, much later, I interrupted this caress, her own tongue, in its turn, advanced, slowly following the outline of my lips, — moistening and penetrating them. And soon, on this arranged double theme, we played a thousand alternated variations. Our lips set traps for us, momentarily refusing the offered tongue, so as to seize it afterwards, imprison it, and rob it of all its saliva. A clock struck the hours; but I was incapable of counting them. However, what did that matter to me?
Time had become, as it were, an inconsistent fog… Then, once more, a tremor passed through my beloved; she opened her eyes and, gently repulsing me, murmured:
'My darling, I can't stand it any longer: your little wife is positively shattered.'
To guard her mouth from my caresses, she leaned against my neck, but her tongue continued to bestow light and furtive kisses upon me. On raising her head, she seemed appeased and smiled at me.
'I should have liked to surrender myself to your tenderness eternally; but, really, I believe I should have ended by fainting. It was as though there were a dissociation of my whole body. You cannot know into what a state you threw me.'
Alas! I knew that full well. I was well aware of that anguish of instinct, of her instinct more conscious than she was of our desire. But it was still too soon. I remained silent.
'My darling is not annoyed, — is he? He is my all-powerful Lord and I should like-oh! I should like so intensely to be wholly his slave. Yet, in spite of myself…'
Apparently embarrassed by my look, she drew my head nearer to her and rested her cheek against my eyes.
'Yes, despite myself, I remain somewhat timid.'
'Have I been clumsy again? Are you annoyed with me?'
'Oh! no. On the contrary, I am deliciously surprised. Even a little astonished that such dizziness-so sweet, so ineffably sweet-can be bought without pain. But I know that, sooner or later, you will hurt me, — that you must hurt me.'
'People have been frightening you needlessly, darling.'
'I'm not frightened on my own account. When I'm in the state into which you threw me just now, you could indeed do anything you like with me. But I am anxious on account of our love. I fear the moment when the infinitely tender and delicate being you are to-night must appear to me more violent and… how can I express it?'
'Say what you have got to say, without fear.'
'Rather bestial perhaps. But understand me clearly. I confessed it to you to-night; and I would pardon you for anything now. Only, I would first of all be saturated with your tenderness, up to the point of no longer having even to pardon you, — up to the point of accepting everything without a feeling of revolt, since I should have lost all willpower under your caresses.'
For a time we remained silent. Then she continued:
'You must find me stupidly complicated, my poor dearie. Maybe I was wrong in remaining voluntarily ignorant of too many things. But I attached such great importance to this great mystery: so ardently did I desire never to approach it until I was in a state of grace.'
'I attach an equal importance to it, darling. Nay, a more self-conscious importance, though from a different point of view. Later I will tell you how ardently-over there, in my distant place of exile-I desired your body. But I also loved the profoundness of your soul, your intelligence and seriousness, because they seemed to me to be the pledge of a richer love, because… It's difficult to explain to you, — and I fear to give offence to your sense of delicacy.'
'Oh! no, speak on. Am I not your wife? — your loving wife? What do you want to say to me?'
'That, in advance, your very intelligence, your mystic soul brought me a promise of pleasurable sensations-of fleshly voluptuousness. I read therein the certainty of a more ardent intimacy of our flesh, because it would be nourished by all the resources of your soul as well as by your bodily instincts. Nevertheless I misunderstood you.'
'You?'
'I was incapable of seeing that all this perfection I love in you is a delicate plant. I failed to understand with what warm and patient tenderness it must be surrounded to bring it to florescence, — to make it bloom with the intense passion of which I knew you were capable. To open my eyes another person was necessary, — and I will tell you more on that score. On the other hand, since then I have reflected and taken an oath… But, after the unspeakable incident of this afternoon, you will not believe me.'
'Come now, darling, let me say once more that I love you all the more on that account. Moreover, you know quite well what absolute faith I have in your loyalty, although it may momentarily break down under the stress of that madness… That state of madness which is not yourself, — and which some day, perhaps, will be what I love most in you.'
'The oath I have taken-and I believe, despite everything, that I shall have the strength to keep it-is to wait until the moment when, with your entire consent-knowingly, you will surrender yourself. And now I wish you no longer to have the slightest fear, neither for yourself nor for our love, knowing that on you alone depends the hour for our complete union'.
