The Darkest Secret

All he had to do was reach her.

Decided on his course of action, he grabbed the backpack and at last shouted for Zacharel in his mind. A few seconds later, as expected, the angel appeared. No bright light, just blink, and the winged warrior was there. Those wings arched over the wide expanse of his shoulders, white threaded with gold. He still wore a colorless robe, his dark hair slicked back from his face.

Those brilliant green eyes regarded Amun with satisfaction. «And so you are saved.»

Yes, he signed. Now take me to my woman.

His demand elicited a single shake of that dark head. There was no sorrow in the angel’s expression. No emotion whatsoever. «I cannot do so. She is dead.»

So simply stated. Amun almost pounded over and stabbed the bastard in the heart. She will be reanimated in Greece. You will take me to her. Now.

«No. She is not in Greece.»

Yes. She is.

Still emotionless, the angel said, «When she drew the rest of Hate inside her, the demon reformed in its entirety. When she released it, she released every bit of it, even the part that had bonded to her. A bond that was never supposed to happen. She was supposed to draw and release. But because she did bond, she could no longer live without Hate. Just as you cannot live without your demon.» The layer of truth in his voice was devastating. «This, you already know.»

Still he fought the very idea of it. She’s alive, I tell you. Aeron died, but then he lived.

«Amun, Haidee had already died. She was already a soul, like those in the heavens and hell. A soul that has now withered once and for all, its source of life gone.»

No! She’s out there. She’s alive. She had to be. Souls reanimate in hell. I’ve seen them. You said so yourself.

«Those souls never bonded to a demon. Never then lost that demon.»

No! he repeated. She was blessed by a goddess.

«A goddess who later turned her back.»

Haidee is alive, damn you. A blessing is a blessing, and cannot be taken back.

«Just as the favored cannot fall into disfavor and be kicked from the heavens?»

That is not the same, and you know it. Why did she keep coming back to life after the goddess turned her back, then?

«Because she was still intact. This time, she was not. I can take you to her cave, if you’d like. Though I warn you now, it is empty. I checked, just to be sure.»

He didn’t panic. Yet. He concentrated on his breathing, on drawing the still-chilled air through his nose, letting it fill his lungs, clear his mind. But with the breath, his demon — who didn’t like the angel, but couldn’t stay out of his head, searching for answers — at last discerned what was the fantasy Amun desired and what was the reality he feared.

Haidee had not returned to Greece.

There was no way to save her.

She. Was. Dead.

Forever.

Zacharel had spoken the truth. As always.

A roar nearly split Amun’s head in two. He gripped his ears, trying to block the noise. That didn’t help. On and on the roar tormented him. His eardrums shattered. Blood leaked onto his shoulders. Eventually, his knees gave out. He fell to the ground, hot tears springing into his eyes. No. No, no, no. She couldn’t be dead.

She was dead.

She is waiting for me in her cave.

She wasn’t waiting for him in her cave.

She will remember me.

She would remember nothing. She was dead. Now, always.

Any illusion he tried to create, his demon instantly destroyed. In that moment, he hated his demon. Hated so much he could have been possessed by the essence of the demon Haidee had harbored inside her. The truth…oh, gods, the truth. Nothing had ever hurt him so intensely. She was dead, she was dead, she was dead, and there was nothing he could do to bring her back.

She shouldn’t have died. He should have died.

Why hadn’t he died?

Other questions swirled through the crushing grief, and he found himself glaring up at the angel. Did you know she would…that she would end up that way when you brought us here?

«Of course,» Zacharel offered without any hesitation. «Her death was the only way to save you.»

No reaction. Not yet. What do you mean? She had pulled the demons from Amun and successfully released them, all without messing with Secrets. Afterward, she had been healthy, whole. Until Hate. But Hate had not been a part of Amun. So, after healing him, she could have walked away.

Oh, gods. She could have walked away.

If he had called for Zacharel then…

«Have you not realized yet? You never needed to visit hell to release those demons. You had only to learn to trust each other. That was the only way Haidee could discover the truth about her abilities. That was the only way you would let her close enough to use those abilities on you.»

Then why did you send us here? Why? I would rather have died myself. Me!

«You were sent here because nothing draws people together faster than perilous situations. More than that, I was not told to save Haidee. Only you.»

But she didn’t have to die. His motions were jerky now. We could have left before Hate found her. You could have swooped in.

«She was going to die whether Hate found her or not. She loved you. Eventually, that love would have weakened her demon. Just as your demon feeds on secrets, hers fed on hate. Ultimately, that love would have killed her.»

No. She loved before. Others loved her.

«Did she? Did they? No, she did not. No, they did not. Many overcame their dislike for her, some even came to care for her, but no one loved her with their whole heart. Until you.»

Secrets found no deception in the confession.

So Amun had killed her. Again. His love for her had doomed her for eternity. She would have lived if he’d left her alone, if he had refused to bring her down here. If he hadn’t given in to his craving for her.

He hated himself.

He hated Zacharel now, too.

They had moved her around like a chess piece. They had set her up for failure. And why? To save him.

If Haidee had survived this, Amun could have continued on with his life. Even if she’d hated him, he could have continued on, happy in the knowledge that she was out there somewhere. But this…this shattered him. She was gone forevermore, and he was responsible. The knowledge ruined him. He was raw, eternally wounded, unable to heal. And he didn’t need Secrets to confirm that.

There was only one thing left to do.

Take me home, he signed, as determined as he was defeated.

«I find I am oddly…troubled by your reaction. I did not expect this, nor do I understand what I am feeling. What I know is that I do not like it and something must be done.»

In less than a heartbeat of time, Amun’s surroundings changed. Gone were the bleak rocks he’d shared with Haidee, and in their place were the smooth white walls of his bedroom. He took no comfort from the familiar setting.