shall never regret your condescension.'
'Alas! Your Grace; 'tis more for you than for myself I grieve.'
'Indeed, Grace; what, am I then known to you?' cried the astonished Duke.
'You are, indeed. I would have made you happy long before, but that I feared my secret would be known.'
'How mean you? To what secret do you allude?'
'Why, Sir, if you really did remove the safe-guard, on which alone I placed my whole dependence, your Grace will have the most inveterate p — x that ever tormented a venturous lover.'
The tables were completely turned, and venting a curse upon his late loved fair one, his Grace, completely chopfallen, left the house.
A JOSKIN'S IDEAS ABOUT 'FUN'
There was a case tried on one of the Circuits many years ago, it was the Northern, I think, but it matters little; we will tell the story literally as it was told to us. It was one of those cases, happily now much rarer than formerly, known as cases of bestiality. A party connected with the rural districts had carried his admiration of agricultural pursuits so far as to form a loving intimacy with a pig. This piece of we doubt not purely sympathetic enjoyment was witnessed by another gentleman strongly resembling the prisoner, both in his outward appearance, and not improbably in his tastes and mental capacity.
The examination proceeded something after this manner — Crown Counsel- Then you saw this abominable connexion between the prisoner at the bar and the animal?
Joskin- I dunnow 'bout 'proper kunnexion, but I saw 'un (indicating the prisoner with a toss of his head) getting atop — (Here the Counsel interposed irascibly with, 'That will do!') Counsel- And you say you told it as a joke at the nearest beerhouse, and so the matter came to be noticed?
Joskin — Yoy, aw did — and they laughed a power they did: but Tummas he went and told Dan, Parson's man; and he told 'un measter, and he told constable.
By the Court- Why, when you say that you were only on the other side of the hedge while this abominable connexion was going on, did you not interfere as any other Christian man would have done, and pull the human brute away from the other one? (No reply to this.) Counsel- Don't you hear what his Lordship says? Why didn't you pull the prisoner off the pig?
Joskin (very deliberately) — Whoy you see! Pig wornt moy pig, and't wornt measter's pig; so it wornt not consarn o' mine. I thowt it good foon!
Counsel (in great wrath) — Stand down, sir, I believe you are as great a brute as either of the other brutes concerned in the matter. 'Good foon,' indeed!
VERY AGGRAVATING
St. Stroakum's Hall was by no means one of the most celebrated among the colleges of the University of Camford; indeed properly speaking, it was not a college. There were
three subjects, however, on which it prided itself reasonably enough; the strength of the ale, the high character maintained by its men, both on the river and in the saddle, and the leniency almost universally displayed by the principal, Dr. Seebright. This leniency was, however, sometimes sorely tried; as follows, for instance. Two young gentlemen, Flewker and Bowles, went out on horseback for the good of their health; the object being of course to relieve their brains from the pressure of intense study, or peradventure from the fumes arising from the wine party of the preceding night.
As a matter of course they did not slavishly confine themselves to the high road; and as Camford hacks are expected to jump anything and everything, they had got pretty far into the middle of farmer Goodlot's land, when they found themselves 'pounded' in a field with a high banked fence, and a locked gate. To smash the padlock took a little time, and when it was happily accomplished, up came farmer, accompanied by an aide-de-camp with a pitchfork, and a bulldog. How they conducted themselves in this emergency, and the valuable information the worthy agriculturist received respecting their names and colleges, may be judged from the scene which took place in Dr. Seebright's study next day. It appeared that the farmer, who was by no means such a fool as he looked, knew where their horses came from, and ascertained our gentlemen's names from the stable keeper, who was a 'pal' of his. Consequently Messrs. Flewker and Bowles were surprised and considerably disgusted on being informed that the principal wanted to speak to them in his study, where, sure enough, they found farmer Goodlot in a highly excited state.
'Are these the two young gentlemen you were complaining about?' asked Dr. S., eyeing the culprits sternly.
'Ay, ay, Sir,' replied the farmer, 'them's them, safe enough; and when I asked them for their names and colleges, that 'un,' pointing to Bowles, 'fust said his name was Testiculous Pendages,' or summat like that, and when I told 'un that I didn't believe 'un, he said he was Dr. Seebright; and I knew, Sir, as ow you was principal of St. Stroakum 'All, and not likely to be up to such games.'
'I should think not indeed,' said the horrified dignitary.
'And the other genTman,' continued the farmer, 'said his name was 'P'sterior Horrifus/ or something like that, which I knew was a loy; and they smashed my gate, and they thrashed my bulldog; and they offered my man Ben half-acrown to stick a pitchfork into me; and they swore and cu'st till they gave me the guts-ache, and they wanted to know if I had any good-looking daughters, because if I had-'
'There, that will do, Mr. Goodlot,' interrupted the principal, who didn't know what might be coming out next.
'Yes, your reverence,' was the reply, 'but the aggravatingest thing was, that there genTman,' pointing to Flewker,
'would keep on saying his name was T'sterior Horrifus!' he keeps bawlin' out — very aggrawatin* that was — very!'
A RECEIPT FOR COURTSHIP
Two or three dears, and two or three sweets;
Two or three balls, and two or three treats;
Two or three serenades, given as a lure;
Two or three oaths, how much they endure;
Two or three messages sent in one day;
Two or three times led out from a play;
Two or three soft speeches made by the way;
Two or three tickets for two or three times;
Two or three love letters writ all in rhymes;
Two or three months keeping strict to these rules, Can never fail making a couple of fools.
THE NEARER THE BONE THE SWEETER THE FLESH
The reason is plain — why, honest Ned Hatton, Who married five wives, wou'd ne'er choose a fat one.
