ECCENTRICITIES
A remarkable hard drinker, who was expiring, begged one of his friends who was at his bedside, to bring him a goblet of water, telling him, 'On our death-beds we must be reconciled with our enemies.'
Sir Robert Bell eating of oysters, and meeting with one that was a good deal tainted, began to smell it. 'Are you stinking?' says he. 'By Jove, you shall not escape so, for 1*11 make you stink worse before you and I part.' So saying he swallowed it.
A REMARKABLE LOVE LETTER
The following letter was found onboard a ship in the Downs, with tobacco rolled in it.
Lovin der Charls- This with my kind lov to yow, it to tell yow, after all our sport an fon I um like to pay fort, for j am with child, and wereof my sister Nan knos it, and calls, me hore and bech, and is redy to ter my sol owt, and curs Jack Seny kices her evry time he cums ashore, and the saci dog wold have lade with me to, but i wold let him, for I wold be alwais honest to yow, therefor, der Charls cum ashor, and let us be marred to save mi virtu, and if you have no moni, I will paun mi nu stais and sell mi to new srooks you gave me, and that will pay the parson and find us a dinner, and pray der der Charls cum ashor, and done be afraid for wont of a. ring for i have stole our Nans, and the nasty tode shant never have it mor for she tells me I am go in to hav a basterd, and god bles yowr lovin sol cum ashor, and let us get marred accorden to yower promis, and i will be yowr dear vertus wife till deth.
Fey 7. Sarah Hartop.
Pray dont let yowr mesmat Jack see this, if yow do, he'l tel our Nan and shel ter my hert owt then.
RAPTURES OF A NIGHT
Ye Gods! The raptures of that night!
What fierce convulsions of delight!
How in each other's arms involv'd,
We lay confounded, and dissolv'd!
Bodies mingling, sexes blending,
Which should most be lost contending;
Darting fierce, and flaming hisses,
Plunging into boundless blisses;
Our bodies and our souls on fire,
Tost by a tempest of desire;
'Till with the utmost fury driv'n,
Down, at once, we sunk to heav'n.
HOW MARIA GOT A NEW PAIR OF GARTERS
I was just eighteen, and had been in Paris a week. Paris!
To me a strange delightful place — with manners and customs so free, easy, and uncontrolled, compared to what I have seen in Birmingham, where I have passed nearly all my life.
Well, I lived in a little avenue branching from the Rue SaintHonore — a street resembling the Strand in London — here a friend had taken a lodging for me; and I went out and in just as I liked. The apartments at public hotels are generally kept in order by the garcon, but I being a stranger was waited upon by the maid servant, the niece of the landlady, who I call Maria, simply because it sounds easier than the confounded French Marie. As I had nothing particular to do, I passed my time in sauntering about nearly all day, seeing what was to be seen in the gay city. When I came in at night I found the bed made and the room tidied up. The house — although three stories — was comparatively empty. The lower part being occupied by my landlady, on the first floor there was none but myself-on the upper portion — an old Italian artist, and a little French woman, a widow.
One afternoon, whilst walking in the Champs Elysees, a woman accosted me in broken English, and asked me if I wanted to purchase some 'funny pictures.' As I felt rather curious to know what she had to dispose of, I asked her to show them to me; and I can safely affirm that I never saw such things before or since. The cool easy sang froid with which she exhibited them I shall never forget. Of course, the reader will understand that they were not precisely the style of engravings you would cover your office screen with, or paste inside your sister's prayer book. I purchased of the old hag a small book filled with these plates for two francs, being glad to get rid of her, and then hurried home, and rushing upstairs was about to enter my apartment, intending there to examine my purchase. The room was all in a disturbance, and I paused at the door, for I heard someone inside muttering 'Sacre-diable-peste.' amp;c, and peeping through the crack of the door I saw the little French girl, who, with her back towards me, was busily engaged hunting for one of those essentials to a French lodging-house — a flea.
What a hunt-what a rummage there was. I am married now, and father of a goodly stock of matrimonial fruit; and, of course, have seen many a flea-hunt since then, but never shall I forget that of the little French girl, how she tossed her clothes up, around, and about her. Finally, the villanous insect was caught, and a snapping, cracking sound, with the finger and thumb upon the edge of the table, proclaimed that the rude little vagabond had hopped out of this world.
With her back still towards me, I found that her troubles were not over, for her garter had become untied. Unconscious of my presence, she gave herself plenty of room to fasten it comfortably. The view to me was pleasing-for what is more pleasing than a pretty foot and nicely turned ankle. If the reader thinks I acted wrong, I am sure he will forgive me when he remembers that I was only eighteen, and the girl about my own age. There she stood, with her tiny foot upon a chair, her small ankle, well rounded calf, neat white stocking, and her garter — a ragged one, by the by — plainly shown in the large looking glass that faced her. Pulling down the stocking, she commenced scratching her plump little calf, the red mark left by the nasty flea showing plainly upon her white skin.
I don't know how long I should have stood looking, but the confounded door (reader, whenever you go upon a love excursion, always oil the door) creaked on its hinges. Maria turned round, and seeing me, blushed, as I believe any and every woman would have done, English, French, German, or American. Before she could say one word, I seized her round the waist and kissed her two or three times. In the confusion the little picture book I had purchased fell upon the ground.
In stooping to pick it up Maria broke away from me; not, however, before she had seen a portion of its contents, and evidently annoyed, she rushed out of the room.
The next day I bought a very beautifully worked pair of garters, intending to present them to Maria, but it was nearly a week before I again caught her in my room. Upon my doing so I told her that I thought she wore very unbecoming garters, and produced those I had purchased, told her those only were fit for such a pretty leg as she had, and that she should have them provided I was permitted to put them on. She looked very mysterious, then laughed, and snatched one of them out of my hands. I was advancing towards her when there was a slight tap at the door, and before I could recover from my confusion she seized the other garter, and laughing rushed out of the room upstairs to her own apartment. Her room being immediately over mine I could hear her rapping upon the floor and laughing at having conquered me. To add to my mortification I could not find who it was had disturbed me by knocking at the door. Two or three times in the course of the day I saw Maria, and upon each occasion she laughed at me, and once, whilst talking to her aunt, she, unseen by her, shook the garters at me. At supper time she inquired, to the surprise of her aunt, if she knew where M. Larpour, the name of the maker of the garters, lived, as a person of that name had been inquiring in the neighbourhood about some goods which had wrongly been delivered. It needed not this last piece of raillery to confirm me in a determination I had made to have my revenge, which I
