vulnerable. You might want to be alone. You might not want to ride together. I'm not predicting the future, just trying to give you options so you don't feel trapped by anything. This is standard at this stage in your marriage therapy.
'We've gotten some real issues out there, and we are going to dive right in next time.'
And that's what they did. Since Tracy had broken her promise, and was secretly again communicating with Paul, the last few therapy sessions felt like an exercise in futility.
Tracy was finally able to admit to herself that what she had so wanted to be the 'perfect marriage' was a constant series of compromises, primarily on her part. She had spent most of her adult life trying to conform to another person's idea of what she should be. She seemed to have lost something of herself in the process, or more accurately, let it atrophy, like a useless, withered appendage. The reawakening of her sexual self, of her independent self, instead of being easy and joyous, was sometimes painful and frightening.
She realized there was no place in their marriage for this 'different' Tracy, the one who didn't always concede to whatever Dr. Becker felt was best. She could no longer push her own dreams and desires into some tidy box to occasionally take out and sigh over. She was close to admitting to herself that there was no point in continuing with the therapy, or the marriage, but she was terrified to admit this to either Dr. Pearson or Kyle.
She and Kyle had spent nine years together, seven of them married. Divorce was something she never considered, though she wasn't always happy. From the beginning, her parents had predicted divorce, because Kyle and Tracy were so young when they got married. Tracy had been determined to prove them wrong. Both her older sisters had divorced, but she would be the one to 'show them' what a happy, loving relationship was.
She and Kyle had grown up together, but now, she sadly admitted, they had grown apart. She remembered the final time he had broken up with her, just before they married. He once told her then that he was no longer sure what was love and what was obligation between. Now, ironically, she found she completely understood what he had meant. More than that, she found she didn't respect Kyle in the same way she had once. In fairness to him, what she had done for so many years of their relationship was to put him on a pedestal. She admired him completely, and felt that his opinions automatically superceded her own. She didn't give him a chance to be fallible; to be human.
In fact, Kyle was as deeply insecure as his wife, probably more so, and had come to require her constant admiration and their mutual subtle 'put down' of Tracy in order to make himself feel less vulnerable and less worthless. When she began this newfound discovery of herself, gaining confidence and tentatively voicing her own opinions and desires, the very fabric of what their relationship had been based upon had begun to unravel.
She hadn't only been dabbling with sex outside the marriage; she had been eroding the very foundation of the life they had built together. A harsh light shone on what she had always idealized in her mind as a 'perfect love', and it was badly tarnished. On some basic level they both realized it, but like so many people caught in prisons of their own making, they were terrified at the prospect of unlocking the gates.
And so Tracy continued with the charade, until that final therapy session when Dr. Pearson suddenly turned to her and asked, 'Why are you here, Tracy?'
'Excuse me?' She didn't expect the question, feeling put on the spot.
'I asked, why are you here? What do you hope to get out of this? You've been coming for several weeks now, twice a week, like a 'good girl',' his fingers marked the air with imaginary quotation marks. 'And you promised, at the beginning, to close the doors, remember? To seal off the exits and really give this relationship your full attention.
'But it doesn't seem to me that's what's happening here. You don't seem to be 'present' any longer.' She looked at him, her eyes full of fear. Her knuckles, white with tension, clutched the arms of her chair.
Dr. Pearson continued. 'I'm going to ask you a question, Tracy, and please answer it honestly. You won't do Kyle or yourself a bit of good if you give me the answer you think I want to hear, or that you think is expected of you. I've been in this business long enough to know that you can't will a marriage to work. You have to want it; to long for it and be willing to give it one hundred percent of yourself to rebuild it.
'So listen hard, Tracy, and take your time responding. You're safe here. My question is this. Do you want to continue to work on this marriage, or do you want to work on how to say goodbye? There is no right answer. It's a matter of the heart, and you can't force your heart to feel something it doesn't feel.'
The room seemed to close in on her, and she felt as if she might faint. It was as if she were in a movie, and the camera had just zoomed in for a close up of her face. Sounds were muffled and the world seemed to slow to a standstill as they all, even she, waited for her response.
'I want to work on saying goodbye,' she finally managed to croak, her voice little more than a whisper.
Suddenly the world flicked back on and she could hear again, her breathing audible in her ears. She saw Kyle stiffen in his seat, as his large thin hands gripped the arms of his chair. She felt the heat in her face and neck and a curious lightness in her body. What had she done? She finally admitted what had been lurking in her heart, hiding even from herself. She wanted out. She wanted to be free.
'I can't stay here anymore. I can't stand to be around you,' Kyle announced a few days later. He had stormed out of the counselor's office, the tires of his fancy late model Aurora screeching, leaving his wife and Dr. Pearson staring at each other. Dr. Pearson remained calm as always, but Tracy was stunned, as if she'd been sucker punched.
She'd left the office soon after, unable to listen to the therapist's calm advice. For the next few days, she and Kyle continued to share the same space in the same house, but the marriage was broken and neither of them had the slightest idea how to fix it.
Kyle stood in front of the breakfast table, holding his garment bag and a large duffel. Tracy was relieved. At least something was happening. 'It's over between us, Tracy. I should never have married you. We were never suited. Knowing what I know now, that you were never committed to me or to our marriage – it just sickens me.'
Tracy started to protest, but Kyle held up a hand, his whole countenance forbidding her from speaking. 'Please,' he intoned, determined to continue what was probably a carefully prepared speech. 'I don't want to hear your feeble protestations. You've made your bed, as they say, now go lie in it. Even if we'd continued that counseling, I could see from the beginning it was a waste of time. I was just trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, to see if you were willing to put that immature sexual deviance behind you and behave like a mature adult woman. I was willing to give you another chance; to love you in spite of all you've done to me.
'But I can see now what you really are; what you've always been, hiding behind that timid little facade of yours. You're a slut, Tracy, pure and simple. A pig. And for every pig, there's a pig fucker, but it sure isn't me.' He left the room. 'You'll be hearing from my lawyer,' he called back to her. His words were punctuated by the front door slamming.
Tracy sat in her chair, completely still for some minutes. The scathing remark about pigs and pig fuckers had shamed her, making her ears burn scarlet with a blossoming rage.
She let out a long, deep sigh, and said aloud, 'Well. That's that then.' Tracy realized with a little spark of excitement that she was getting out, and she didn't have to run to do it. Kyle sprang the trap for them both. He had unlocked the prison door and taken off. Tentatively, she put a foot over the threshold, then stepped out herself, feeling the shackles of a lifetime fall from her shoulders.
CHAPTER 7
Things weren't too terribly different after Kyle left, Tracy found to her surprise. After all, they had been avoiding each other more and more as their relationship deteriorated, except for the brief 'honeymoon' Kyle tried to create at the beginning of their marriage counseling.
Why should it be differentnow, she thought. After all, Tracy had always been the one to keep the house, buy
