Envy

What had happened to her wild nights?

Sprawled across her Ralph Lauren sheets, her comforter kicked to the foot of the bed, Kaia opened her eyes with a sigh. She’d kept them closed as long as she could, hoping she could force sleep to come, but it wasn’t working. She just wasn’t tired-how could she be, when it was only one a.m. and she’d spent the night, like every night before it, lounging around her house?

Kaia’s body was designed for a different life-she’d trained it well over the years, and by now it expected a steady influx of loud music, flashing lights, hot bodies, and cold drinks. Every night-all night. That had been her old life in her old world. She’d done her best to pretend that it had all disappeared when she left: the city, the social scene, her old friends. She preferred to think of it all as frozen in limbo, awaiting her return.

But when reality hit, it hit hard. The city was still bursting with life, her “friends” were still partying till dawn- and the only thing frozen in limbo was Kaia. She hated them for it, and she hated her parents for causing it. Most of all she hated the hours she spent every night, alone in the dark room, staring at the ceiling and wishing she could do something about the endless, deep quiet seeping into her bedroom from the desert outside. She could play music, turn up the volume on the TV, it didn’t matter-somehow the desert silence managed to drown it all out. Made it impossible to forget how still everything was, and how empty-just like her life.

Most of the time Kaia clung to her memories of the past, to her hard-edged city persona, clung to it with a death grip, for fear of forgetting who she was and where she’d come from, fear of turning into a small-town zombie content with the simple life. But there were moments, fleeting but sharp, when she just wished she could let it all go. Everyone else in this stupid town was so happy, so satisfied-what must it be like, Kaia wondered, to be able to inhabit such a narrow world without feeling like the walls were closing in?

What must it be like to be Beth, too timid to complain about what you had, too dim to wonder if there might be something more? Kaia had been spending a lot of time recently watching Beth, wondering how her mind might work-and sometimes, to her horror, she’d actually wished she could, just for a moment, switch places with the girl. She had such a picture-perfect life-loving parents, loving boyfriend-all the things Kaia had never wanted, never thought she needed. And it was true, she didn’t need someone lying beside her, holding her, whispering that he loved her and that everything would be okay. She didn’t need to know if her mother missed her, or if her father would ever stop home for more than a night. That kind of thing was no more than a security blanket for the Beths of the world. It was just that late at night, alone and empty, Kaia sometimes wished she were one of them.

Beth, she was sure, didn’t stay up nights desperate for excitement, searching for trouble. Beth wasn’t constantly bored, restless, always on the hunt for the next hot spot, the next hot guy. Beth didn’t spend every minute wishing she were somewhere else, doing something else. Being someone else. No, when your life was placid, when you had what you wanted, no more and no less, you slept like a baby. It was only when you were dissatisfied, when your life seemed empty and you had nothing to fill it with, that you tossed and turned. Until finally, as always, you gave up on sleep and turned on the light.

Adam awoke with a start and flicked on the light, gasping with the relief of escaping a nightmare. He didn’t remember much of it, only that it had featured Beth and Kaia-and it had left him drenched in a cold sweat. He sat up in bed and took a few deep breaths, trying to wash all traces of the nightmare out of his mind so that he could safely fall back asleep.

His sleep had been filled with nightmares for weeks. They’d started the night after he slept with Kaia, and ever since Kane and Beth had started spending all that time together, his dreams had only gotten worse. Too much stress, he told himself, lying back down on the mattress. Adam had always liked to keep things simple. But now? Nothing was simple, not anymore. Certainly not his relationship with Beth. That was a minefield. When he was with her, he struggled over his every word, agonized over every action, searching fruitlessly for the magic combination that would put right whatever had gone wrong.

Nothing worked. And lately it seemed like everything that came out of his mouth just made things worse.

Kane, on the other hand, always knew the right thing to say. Adam could see it in Beth’s eyes-“Why can’t you be more like him?” She would never say it out loud, but he knew her well enough to read her thoughts, to know her desires. Kane was flashy, charismatic, Kane saw what he wanted and took it-and girls loved that. Adam had always thought Beth was different. But now… he wasn’t so sure.

Just once, he thought in frustration, just once, I’d like to know what it’s like. To win, every time, without trying. To effortlessly be the best, and have the world at your fingertips. Everything Adam had, he had only because Kane hadn’t thought it worth the trouble. Kane got good grades without studying, beat Adam on the courts without breaking a sweat, could get any girl he wanted just by curling up a corner of his lip in that famous Kane smirk. Adam worked so hard, at everything-and yet time and time again, it seemed he was always coming in second.

But Beth hadn’t been seduced by the flash or the glitter of Kane’s charm-Beth had chosen Adam. She’d been repulsed by Kane, she always told him, and seduced by Adam’s straightforward manner, his honest appeal. It had been the first time he and Kane had ever gone head-to-head over a girl-and the first competition Adam had ever truly won. But it seemed the battle had never really ended. And maybe he hadn’t won after all.

Adam had never wanted to be Kane, had never even much admired Kane. But if only he could just borrow a little of whatever it was that allowed him to lead a charmed life. Adam was sure that Kane would never have gotten sucked in by Kaia’s act, would never have been fooled into believing anything she said. Kane would know exactly the right thing to say to get his girlfriend past the whole virgin issue-and he’d do it so smoothly that she would think it had been her idea. And Kane would never, never let another guy sweep his girlfriend off her feet. Kane didn’t get brushed aside, ignored, overlooked. Ever.

Kane had “it,” whatever it was. And Adam just didn’t. Instead, he had a work ethic, a conscience, and a face that couldn’t lie. And, for now, he had Beth.

But with Kane on the prowl, how long would that last?

How long could it last, this merry sidekick game, before she got fed up? Miranda lay flat on her back in bed, her eyes tracing the tiny cracks in the white ceiling paint. She’d stayed up late, shampooing and shampooing until finally she’d managed to wash most of the green out of her hair. She hoped.

And now she’d been lying in bed for the past hour, trying to work up some kind of excitement about this dunk tank guy, trying to picture his body curled up against her in the bed, his hands crawling across her body… but it wasn’t working. She kept losing her concentration, and his face kept morphing into Kane’s. She didn’t have to work at desiring Kane-it was the easiest thing she’d ever done. Imagining herself in Kane’s arms seemed as natural as breathing. Maybe because she had so much practice.

She knew what Harper had said-and she knew Harper was right-but still, did she have to like it? She didn’t see Harper forcing herself to date a loser, just because her first choice was “temporarily” unavailable.

But of course, that was Harper. Miranda sighed. You’d think she would be used to this by now. She’d been playing second fiddle to Harper since elementary school. “Partners in crime,” that’s what they always called themselves-but when she was alone, Miranda sometimes wondered. It didn’t feel like a partnership. It felt like Harper was out for herself, leaving Miranda to follow behind, cleaning up her messes.

Miranda shook away such disloyal thoughts. Just because Harper could be a little thoughtless, a little self- centered at times, was no reason to question her commitment. Maybe there was only one problem in this friendship: Just maybe, Miranda was jealous. She would never have admitted it out loud, but there were times- lots of times-when she looked at Harper and asked herself, Why not me? They’d started in the same place as wild, spunky outcasts, gone through all the same experiences- and yet Harper had blossomed into this alpha queen, while Miranda, it sometimes seemed, had never blossomed at all.

What did Harper have that she didn’t?

Beauty, she reminded herself.

Charisma.

Sex appeal.

And confidence.

Maybe that’s all it was-Harper knew what she wanted, and she believed she deserved it. So she went out and did whatever it took. Miranda, on the other hand? She knew what she wanted, beat herself up about it, then sat on her hands and did nothing.

And, when it came to Kane, it seemed Harper agreed with her-she wasn’t worthy. Didn’t deserve the guy of her