Krokodil Tears

showcasing the best of British culture. He has announced that hewill join patriotic singer Johnny Lydon, host of the popular British variety program The Johnny Lydon Band Show, in a rendition of the star's biggest hit, 'God Save the Queen.' Other British showbiz greats scheduled to appear include Matt Monro, Clive Dunn, Tessie O'Shea, Norman Wisdom. Mrs Mills, Valerie Singleton and the comic duo of Benny Elton and Ricky Mayall, with American guest stars Liberace and Conway Twitty reaffirming the Special Relationship. Rumours that Ken Dodd plans to come out of retirement for this one last concert have been denied by the reclusive multi- billionaire entertainer's manager, Peter Hall. John Lennon, the leader of Her Majesty's Loyal Opposition, who was briefly a member of an unsuccessful group called The Quarrymen back in the 1960s, was apparently asked if he wanted to reform to appear on the bill. 'Nobody was interested back then,' he told our reporter, 'I don't see why they should be now, like.'

'Manila, the Philippines. President-for-life Imelda Marcos yesterday dedicated a new statue of her late husband, the former president-for-life, and announced, after singing twenty-eight patriotic songs to the assembled multitudes, that she would set in motion a new scheme to clear up the streets of the city by personally firing the first bullet. Rebel forces remain encamped in the North of the islands, apparently supported by a Chinese Guomintang warlord and a Swiss-based multinat. Imelda will be guest-hosting the popular ZeeBeeCee show, You and Your Shoes, for the next three weeks.

'Puerto Belgrano, Antarctica. Following President Galtieri's 75% increase of the levy on non-Argentine mining interests around the South Pole, violence flared up again as British wildcat oilmen tried to even the score after their resounding defeat in the Malvinas War of 1981. 'Wild' Charlie Mander, the British consul, and Sheriff Felipe Almodovar, the self-styled 'Law South of Tierra del Fuego,' met for talks in an attempt to reach a settlement, but tempers rose and shots were exchanged. Ice Kold Katie, the Scottish esperado who has robbed several Argentine- owned banks and trading stores on the continent, celebrated the increase by ambushing and killing a troop of Argentine snowcat cavalrymen on their way to Esperanza.

'Ladies, don't you wish you had breasts as nice as mine? Well, thanks to GenTech biodiv, your wish can be granted. Personally developed by Dr Zarathustra, winner of the Nobel Prize for Genetic Surgery, our pectoral pump treatments can yield astonishing results. Even Warren Beatty won't be able to tell the difference. This is Shiralee St Croix of Saginaw, Michigan. We treated one of her breasts with the GenTech pectoral pump, and the other with a product manufactured by one of our competitors. I think you can see the difference for yourself. GenTech, the biodivision that cares…

'Teheran, the Pan-Islamic Congress. Today, the Ayatollah Bakhtiar, chairperson of the Sword of Allah Jihad Committee, sentenced to death in absentia graphic novelist Neil Gaiman, author of the award-winning Tintin in the Land of the Ragheads, which has been widely interpreted as a personal attack on the Moslem faith and the continuing Islamic occupation of Greece, Albania, Macedonia, Kosovo and Montenegro. Gaiman has gone into hiding, but claims to be still working on his next work, a reconstruction of the myth of Desperate Dan, portraying the comic cowboy as an Indian-hating mass murderer. Viewers are invited to fax in with their guesses about where Gaiman is holed up. The closest to the truth will win a thousand dollars credit at their local Titancorp comics store, a Captain Haddock T-shirt and an all-expenses-paid holiday for two in balmy Beirut.

'Vatican City. Petya Tcherkassoff, the Russian singing idol, today had a personal audience with Pope Georgi. Tens of thousands of fans thronged St Peter's Square to glimpse the pair. What was discussed between the two has not been revealed, although Tcherkassoff did modestly state to the press that 'the cheloviek in the white hat has a bigger following than I do.' Tcherkassoff's current album release,' Songs for Suicidal Lovers, has been at the top of the musichip charts for six straight months.

'The Isle of Skye, Scotland. Sad news for children everywhere. Despite the donation of more than thirty million European Currency Units raised by GenTech-sponsored concerts in America and the Soviet Union, Wally the Whale —believed to be the last cetacean in the Atlantic Ocean—died today of natural causes totally unconnected with the acceptable levels of pollution in the area. Iain Menzies Banks, mayor of the island, has mooted a plan for the preservation of the whale as the centrepiece of Wallyworld, a luxury tourist preserve and family theme park. The whale will be coated inside and out with acrylics, and Banks intends to open a restaurant called The Jonah Snackbar in its stomach. Wally will, of course, live on in our hearts and minds, thanks to his continuing adventures on our Saturday Morning cartoon show Wally and His Whalesome Pals, and his smiling face will still appear on the packets of Wally's Whalefood, the popular krill-based breakfast cereal.

'This has been Lola Stechkin at ZeeBeeCee, signing off. If it's all right with you, it's all right with us…'

Stay tuned to ZeeBeeCee, The Station That's Got It all, if you want to enter the competition of the day. You could be the lucky winner of a free course of pectoral pump treatments, or a brand new Cadillac convertible. All you have to do is answer three simple questions, complete the following sentence, 'If I had bigger breasts, the first thing I'd do would be…,' and send your answers in on a fax with coupons from any three GenTech products. The questions are: a)Which former Vice-President of These United States had a sex change operation under the aegis of GenTech's own Dr Zarathustra? b)Who wrote the words to the 'GenTech Merry Marching Song'? Remember, it's the lyrics we're interested in, we know Andrew Lloyd Webber wrote the music. And c)What is transhumance?

As you heard on the news, we at ZeeBeeCee have been saddened by the tragic passing of Wally the Whale. As a result, a three-hour tribute to the brave aqua-mammal will pre-empt tonight's scheduled address to the nation by President North, which will now take place after the eleven o'clock nightcap news. A whole host of stars, including Drew Barrymore, the Mothers of Violence and Susan Sontag, will be coming into the studio to share their memories of Wally with English folk singer Gordon Sumner, who has composed a special 'Goodbye Wonderful Wally' song to mark the whale's death. But now, on a lighter note, heeeeere's Arnie…

III

The Katz Motel was a klick out of town, and hadn't been touched by the firefight. There was an old wooden house perched on top of a small hill, and the featureless cabins were spread out across the property below. The Psychopomps had checked in and done some minimal damage two nights back. Jazzbeaux had left some of her stuff in the cabin, confident that the twittering, birdlike manager would be too afraid of the 'pomps to bother lifting anything from the gangcult.

On the road out of Spanish Fork, she had become aware of a wound just above her knee. It was a deep cut, and made walking painful. She bit down on the glojo capsule, and the pain went away.

She got stronger as she walked towards the motel. Perhaps she should sleep a while, and recover some more. Little girlie-girl, you've had a busy-busy dayyy, sang Petya Tcherkassoff in her head.

It was nearly dawn. There was some light in the sky. Nothing had come out of the dark to bug her.

Her knee felt like a wet sponge. She was limping. The' glojo buzz faded away, and the pain trickled back.

She hadn't hurt this much since Daddy Deadest was around, playing his games with his willow switches and aluminium rods.

By the time she got to the motel, it was daylight. The manager was waiting for her at the desk, deftly fidgeting with a half-stuffed peregrine falcon. Herman Katz was a thin, youngish man with nervous eyes and a slight stutter. He was wearing an apron which made him look like a housewife, and tinkering with glass eyes, taking them out of a box and holding them up to the empty sockets of the dead bird, trying to find a matching pair that fitted. It wasn't Jazzbeaux's idea of a hobby, but there were more dangerous people in the world.

'Morning,' he said. 'Quite a bit of noise, last night. Nobody else has come back from town.'

She didn't feel like giving him the news. He would find out sooner or later that there wasn't any Spanish Fork any more. She wondered if he'd stay on in the motel business, or move out. Not her prob.

'Mother was upset. She couldn't get to sleep, what with all the shooting and shouting and I-don't-know-what- all else.'

Herman kept talking about his mother. She was an invalid, stuck in a rocking chair up in her room in the house.