HAMLET
(with a skull)
'Oi Vay. Poor Yorick, I knew him well, Horatio. A real joker. An unemployed comedian. . . .
(Finally Pinchas escapes from Kloot and runs on stage brandishing his cane.)
PINCHAS
Cutter of lines.
(whacking Hamlet with his cane)
Perverter of poesy.
(whacking Hamlet again)
(The audience loves it; cheers as Hamlet runs off.)
PINCHAS
Good people. I am the world famous poet, Melchitzedek Pinchas. This is not my play. This is not Shakespeare. This is drek! Drek!
(Kloot and other members of the cast drag off Pinchas.)
BLACKOUT
V. THE CAFE, NIGHT
It is later that night. Pinchas is sitting by himself in the deserted cafe. The bartender is polishing his glasses. Pinchas is sitting at a table.
(Enter the Heathen Reporter.)
REPORTER
Congratulations on your great success.
PINCHAS
(turning away)
Do not mock me!
REPORTER
But your Hamlet is a great hit. It's a sensation.
PINCHAS
It's a disgrace; a travesty! Poetry lies bleeding.
REPORTER
Well, you European intellectuals certainly take an odd view of things. I never laughed so hard in my life.
PINCHAS
You were not supposed to laugh. The play is a tragedy!
REPORTER
Maybe so, but I'd like to have a nickel for every ticket dollar that play will make.
PINCHAS
Bah! You're crazy. I'm going to stop them, no matter what. In the morning I will see Mendelsohn, the lawyer, and withdraw the right to produce my play.
(Enter Kloot.)
PINCHAS
You!
(rises and raises his cane)
Man of the Earth! Swindler! Enemy of Poetry!
KLOOT
Now you just hold on, there Pinchas--I've been looking for you all over the place.
PINCHAS
What do you want?
KLOOT
I came to give you your share of the box office.
PINCHAS
I don't want it.
KLOOT
The play's a hit. It will run for years. It's the greatest thing since sliced bread. You're a hero Pinchas! You're famous.
PINCHAS
I'm a laughingstock. And because of you.
KLOOT
Now, that's what I want to talk to you about. You've got to do that thing again.
PINCHAS
What thing? What are you talking about?
KLOOT
You've got to run on stage and fight with everybody. Just like you did tonight. That was the showstopper.
PINCHAS
Are you mad?
KLOOT
Crazy like a fox, my boy. People almost pissed their pants.
PINCHAS
I will do no such thing!
KLOOT
That's O.K. we can have an actor playing you do it.
PINCHAS
I will not allow it! This whole travesty will stop tomorrow. I am going to Mendelsohn and he will put an end to this murder of art.
KLOOT
Say now Pinchas, don't kill the goose that laid the golden egg.
PINCHAS
It will stop, I say.
KLOOT
Look here, Pinchas, here's $163.25-
PINCHAS
(turning)
I don't take bribes!
KLOOT
Bribes! Hain't no bribe. It's the author's share of the box office.
PINCHAS
For one night?
KLOOT
That's right. And, this play of yours, with a little help from yours truly, is likely to run a thousand and one nights as the saying goes.
PINCHAS
(musing)
A hundred and sixty-three dollars!
