KLOOT
Hush, the boss is on.
POLONIUS 'He's coming. Now give it to him good.'
QUEEN
'Will I ever?'
HAMLET
'Mother, mother, mother.'
QUEEN
'Leave it to me.'
POLONIUS 'I'll hide behind the curtain.'
HAMLET
'Something wrong, Mom?'
QUEEN
'Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.'
HAMLET
'Mother, you have my father much offended.'
QUEEN
'Don't get fresh with your mother.'
HAMLET
'Will you ever stop nagging?'
QUEEN
'Nagging. Now let me tell you . . . '
HAMLET
'I'm in no mood for fooling. You're going to listen.'
QUEEN
'Let me go.'
HAMLET
'Sit down. You shall not budge.'
QUEEN
'Is this the way to treat your mother? I should die I have a son like this. Murder. Help. Help.'
(Polonius stirs behind the curtain.)
HAMLET
'How, now, a rat?'
(Hamlet pulls his sword and runs Polonius through.)
POLONIUS
'Oi Vay!'
PINCHAS
(thunderstruck)
OI VAY!
(Pinchas makes a wild lunge, and is barely restrained by Kloot.)
KLOOT
Who's mutilating the poesy now? You'll spoil the scene.
PINCHAS
Liar, murderer. Word butcher. You promised me your wife as Ophelia.
KLOOT
Sure. The first wife I get, you shall have.
(Pinchas gnashes his teeth.)
KLOOT
I think you owe me a carfare.
PINCHAS
(icily)
Why is there singing in Hamlet?
KLOOT
Because it's Passover. You're a greenhorn. In New York it's a tradition to have musical plays on Passover. We only took your play as a Passover play.
PINCHAS
But Hamlet is not a musical play.
KLOOT
Yes it is. What about Ophelia's songs? That was what decided us. It only needed a little touching up by an experienced theatre person such as myself.
PINCHAS
But Hamlet is a tragedy!
KLOOT
Sure! They all die at the end. Our audiences are very compassionate. They'd be miserable if they didn't all die. Wait till they're dead, then you shall take your bow.
PINCHAS
Take my bow for your play!
KLOOT
There's quite a lot of your lines left, if you listen carefully. Only you're a poet and you don't understand stage technique. The idea was yours and was worth every cent we paid for it. Really, you're a genius.
(A storm of applause from the audience. The ghost cakewalks on stage and is confronted by Hamlet in mime.)
QUEEN
'I will not speak with her.'
HORATIO
'Ophelia has gone meshugenah.'
QUEEN
'Let her in.'
OPHELIA
(tripping in)
I'm meshugenah,
Da, da, da,
I'm meshugenah,
Da, da, da,
Daddy's dead,
I'm out of my head. . . .
(Ophelia's song is accompanied by incongruous music. The play continues in mime. Pinchas continues to struggle with Kloot.)
QUEEN
(to Hamlet)
'That Ophelia's a pain. I always told you you'd have trouble with shikses.'
(The play continues in mime, to roars of approval.)
