The Melting-Pot

By the European standard, Mr. Davenport, you put our hospitality to the shame. From the moment you sent your yacht for us to Odessa--

QUINCY

Pray, don't ever speak of that again-you know how anxious I was to get you to New York.

BARON

Provided we have arrived in time!

QUINCY

That's all right, I keep telling you. They aren't married yet--

BARON [Grinding his teeth and shaking his fist]

Those Jew-vermin-all my life I have suffered from them!

QUINCY

We all suffer from them.

BARONESS

Zey are ze pests of ze civilisation.

BARON

But this supreme insult Vera shall not put on the blood of the Revendals-not if I have to shoot her down with my own hand-and myself after!

QUINCY

No, no, Baron, that's not done here. Besides, if you shoot her down, where do I come in, eh?

BARON [Puzzled]

Where you come in?

QUINCY

Oh, Baron! Surely you have guessed that it is not merely Jew-hate, but-er-Christian love. Eh?

[Laughing uneasily.]

BARON

You!

BARONESS [Clapping her hands]

Oh, charmant, charmant! But it ees a romance!

BARON

But you are married!

BARONESS [Downcast]

Ah, oui.Quel dommage, vat a peety!

QUINCY

You forget, Baron, we are in America. The law giveth and the law taketh away.

[He sniggers.]

BARONESS

It ees a vonderful country! But your vife-hein?-vould she consent?

QUINCY

She's mad to get back on the stage-I'll run a theatre for her. It's your daughter's consent that's the real trouble-she won't see me because I lost my temper and told her to stop with her Jew. So I look to you to straighten things out.

BARONESS

Mais parfaitement.

BARON [Frowning at her]

You go too quick, Katusha. What influence have I on Vera? And you she has never even seen! To kick out the Jew-beast is one thing....

QUINCY

Well, anyhow, don't shoot her-shoot the beast rather.

[Sniggeringly.]

BARON

Shooting is too good for the enemies of Christ.

[Crossing himself.] At Kishineff we stick the swine.

QUINCY [Interested]

Ah! I read about that. Did you see the massacre?

BARON

Which one? Give me a cigarette, Katusha.

[She obeys.] We've had several Jew-massacres in Kishineff.

QUINCY

Have you? The papers only boomed one-four or five years ago-about Easter time, I think--

BARON

Ah, yes-when the Jews insulted the procession of the Host!

[Taking a light from the cigarette in his wife's mouth. ]

QUINCY

Did they? I thought--

BARON [Sarcastically]

I daresay. That's the lies they spread in the West. They have the Press in their hands, damn 'em. But you see I was on the spot.

[He drops into a chair.] I had charge of the whole district.

QUINCY [Startled]

You!

BARON

Yes, and I hurried a regiment up to teach the blaspheming brutes manners--

[He puffs out a leisurely cloud.]

QUINCY [Whistling]

Whew!... I-I say, old chap, I mean Baron, you'd better not say that here.

BARON

Why not? I am proud of it.

BARONESS

My husband vas decorated for it-he has ze order of St. Vladimir.

BARON [Proudly]

Second class! Shall we allow these bigots to mock at all we hold sacred? The Jews are the deadliest enemies of our holy autocracy and of the only orthodox Church. Their Bund is behind all the Revolution.

BARONESS

A plague-spot muz be cut out!

QUINCY

Well, I'd keep it dark if I were you. Kishineff is a back number, and we don't take much stock in the new massacres. Still, we're a bit squeamish--

BARON

Squeamish! Don't you lynch and roast your niggers?

QUINCY

Not officially. Whereas your Black Hundreds--

BARON

Black Hundreds! My dear Mr. Davenport, they are the white hosts of Christ

[Crossing himself] and of the Tsar, who is God's vicegerent on earth. Have you not read the works of our sainted Pobiedonostzeff, Procurator of the Most Holy Synod?

QUINCY

Well, of course, I always felt there was another side to it, but still--