The squeak of springs and the wandering low-cloud ceiling above me implied that Lil was leaning over first on one
and then on the other side of the bed. The spread was lifted and her upside-down face peered into my sideways face.
We looked at each other for thirty seconds. Without a word her face disappeared and the bed above me became still.
`I want you,' I said. `I want to make love to you.'
(The prosaicness of the prose was compensated for by the poetry of my position.) When the silence continued I felt an
admiration for Lil. Any normal, mediocre woman would have (a) sworn, (b) looked under the bed again, or (c) shouted
at me. Only a woman of high intelligence and deep sensitivity would have remained silent.
`I'd love to have your prick inside me,' her voice suddenly said.
I was frightened: a contest of wills. I must not reply habitually.
`I want your left knee,' I said.
Silence.
`I want to come between your toes,' I went on.
`I want to feel your Adam's apple bob up and down,' she said.
Silence.
I began humming `The Battle Hymn of the Republic.'
I lifted the springs above me with all my might. She rolled off to one side. I changed my position to try to push her
off. She rolled back into the middle. My arms were exhausted. Although whatever I did from under the bed was, a
priori, a non-habitual act, my back was aching. I got out from under, stood up and stretched.
`I don't like your games, Luke,' Lil said quietly.
`The Pittsburgh Pirates have won three games in a row but remain mired in third place.'
`Please come to bed and be yourself.'
`Which one?'
`Any one except this morning's version.'
Habit pulled me toward the bed, the dice pulled back.
`I have to think about dinosaurs,' I said and, realizing I'd said it in my normal voice, I repeated it shouting. When I saw
that I had used my habitual shout I started to emit a third version, but-realized that three of anything approached habit
and so half-shouted, half-mumbled, `Breakfast with dinosaurs in bed,' and went into the kitchen.
Halfway there I tried to vary my walk and ended up crawling the last fifteen feet.
`What are you doing, Daddy?'
Larry stood sleepy-eyed but fascinated in the entrance to the kitchen. I didn't want to upset him. I had to watch my
words carefully.
`I'm looking for mice.'
`Oh boy, can I look?'
`No, they're dangerous.'
`Mice?'
`These mice are man-eaters.'
`Oh Daddy .. : [Scornfully].'
`I'm teasing [An habitual phrase; I shook my head].'
'Go back to be - [Another!]'
`Look under your mother's bed, I think they may have gone under there.'
Not a great many seconds later Larry came back from our bedroom accompanied by a bathrobed Lil. I was on my
knees at the stove about to heat a pot of water.
`Don't you involve the children in your games.'
Since I never lose my temper at Lil I lost it.
`Shut your mouth! You'll scare them all away.'
`Don't you say shut up to me!'
`One more word out of you and I'll ram a dinosaur down your throat.'
I stood up and strode toward her, fists clenched.
They both looked terrified. I was impressed.
`Go back to bed, Larry,' Lil said, shielding him and backing away.
`Get down on your knees and pray for mercy, Lawrence, NOW!' Larry ran for his bedroom, crying.
'Fie upon you!'
'Don't you dare hit me.'
`My God, you're insane,' Lil said.
I hit her, rather restrainedly; on the left shoulder.
She hit me, rather unrestrainedly, in the left eye.
I sat down on the kitchen floor.
`For breakfast is what?'
I asked, at least reversing the syntax.
`Are you through?'
`I surrender everything.'
`Come back to bed.'
`Except my honor.'
`You can keep your honor in your underwear; but come back to bed and behave.'
I jogged back to bed ahead of Lil and lay as rigid as a board for forty minutes at which point Lil commanded me to
get out of bed. Immediately and rigidly I obeyed. I stood like a robot beside the bed.
`Relax,' she commanded irritably from the dresser.
I collapsed to the floor, ending as painlessly as possible on my side and back. Lil came over and looked down at me
for a moment and then kicked me in the thigh. `Act normal,' she said.
I rose, did six squats arms extended and went to the kitchen.
For breakfast I had a hot dog, two pieces of uncooked carrot, coffee with lemon and maple syrup, and toast cooked
twice until it was blackened with peanut butter and radish. Lil was furious; primarily because both Larry and Evie wanted desperately to have for breakfast what I was having and ended up crying in frustration. Lil too. - I jogged down Fifth Avenue from my apartment to my office, attracting considerable attention since I was (1) jogging: (2) gasping like a fish drowning in air; and (3) dressed in a tuxedo over a red T-shirt with large white letters declaring The Big Red.
At the office Miss Reingold greeted me formally, neutrally and; I must admit, with secretarial aplomb. Her cold, ugly
efficiency stimulated me to break new ground in our relationship.
`Mary Jane, baby,' I said. `I've got a surprise this morning. I've decided to fire you.'
Her mouth neatly opened, revealing two precisely parallel rows of crooked teeth.
`As of tomorrow morning.'
`But - but Dr. Rhinehart, I don't under `It's simple, knee-knocker. I've been hornier in the last few weeks, want a
receptionist who's a good lay.'
