He needed to rest his mind in peace, to feel and not speak. But he knew that he had to speak and that he would need all his persuasive power. And words might not be enough. He would need to match will with will, passion with passion. All he had on offer was reason, argument, intelligence, and he had put his faith in them all his life. Now he felt vulnerable and inadequate where once he had felt most confident and sure.
He drew apart from Julian and said to Miriam: “Give me the torch.”
She handed it to him without a word and he switched it on and swept the beam over their faces. They gazed back at him: Miriam’s eyes quizzical and smiling, Rolf’s resentful but triumphant, Luke’s full of a desperate appeal.
It was Luke who spoke first: “You see, Theo, that we had to get away, that we must keep Julian safe.”
Theo said: “You won’t keep her safe by running. This changes everything, changes it not only for you but for the whole world. Nothing matters now except the safety of Julian and the child. She ought to be in hospital. Telephone the Warden, or let me. Once this is known no one is going to worry about seditious pamphlets or dissent. There isn’t anyone on the Council, anyone in the country, anyone of importance in the world for that matter, who won’t be concerned only for one thing; the safe birth of this child.”
Julian put her deformed hand over his own. She said: “Please don’t make me. I don’t want him to be there when my baby is born.”
“He needn’t actually be present. He’ll do what you want. Everyone will do what you want.”
“He will be there. You know he will be. He’ll be there at the birth and he’ll be there always. He killed Miriam’s brother; he’s killing Gascoigne now. If I fall into his hands I’ll never be free of him. My baby will never be free.”
How, Theo wondered, would she and her baby keep out of Xan’s hands? Did she propose to keep the child a secret forever? He said: “You must think first of your baby. Suppose there are complications, a haemorrhage?”
“There won’t be. Miriam will look after me.”
Theo turned to her. “Speak to her, Miriam. You’re the professional. You know she ought to be in hospital. Or are you thinking of yourself? Is that all any of you are thinking of, yourselves? Your own glory? It would be quite a thing, wouldn’t it? Midwife to the first of a new race, if that is what this child is destined to be. You don’t want to share the glory; you’re afraid you might not be allowed even a share. You want to be the only one to see this miracle child into the world.”
Miriam said calmly: “I’ve delivered two hundred and eighty babies. They all seemed like miracles, at least at the time of birth. All I want is for the mother and child to be safe and well. I wouldn’t hand over a pregnant bitch to the mercies of the Warden of England. Yes, I’d prefer to deliver the child in hospital, but Julian has a right to her choice.”
Theo turned to Rolf. “What does the father think?”
Rolf was impatient. “If we stand here talking about it much longer we won’t have a choice. Julian’s right. Once she’s in the Warden’s hands he’ll take over. He’ll be there at the birth. He’ll announce it to the world. He’ll be the one on television showing my child to the nation. That’s for me to do, not him.”
Theo thought: He thinks he’s supporting his wife. But all he really cares about is getting the child safely born before Xan and the Council find out about the pregnancy.
Anger and frustration made his voice harsh: “This is crazy. You aren’t children with a new toy which you can keep to yourselves, play with by yourselves, prevent the other children from sharing. This birth is the concern of the whole world, not just England. The child belongs to mankind.”
Luke said: “The child belongs to God.”
Theo turned on him. “Christ! Can’t we discuss this at least on the basis of reason?”
It was Miriam who spoke. She said: “The child belongs to herself, but her mother is Julian. Until she’s born and for a time after the birth, the baby and her mother are one. Julian has the right to say where she will give birth.”
“Even if it means risking the baby.”
Julian said: “If I have my baby with the Warden present we shall both die.”
“That’s ridiculous.”
Miriam said calmly: “Do you want to take the risk?” He didn’t reply. She waited, then reiterated: “Are you prepared to take that responsibility?”
“So what are your plans?”
It was Rolf who replied. “To find somewhere safe, or as safe as possible. An empty house, a cottage, any kind of shelter where we can shack up for four weeks. It needs to be in remote country, perhaps a forest. We need provisions and water and we need a car. The only car we’ve got is mine and they’ll know the number of that!”
Theo said: “We can’t use mine, either, not for long. The SSP are probably at St. John Street now. The whole enterprise is futile. Once Gascoigne talks—and he will talk, they don’t need torture, they’ve got drugs—once the Council know about the pregnancy they’ll come after you with all they’ve got. How far do you think you’ll get before they find you?”
Luke’s voice sounded calm and patient. He could have been explaining the reading of the situation to a not very intelligent child. “We know they’ll come. They’ve been looking for us and they want us destroyed. Put they may not come quickly, may not bother too much at first. You see, they don’t know about the baby. We never told Gascoigne.”
“But he was part of you, part of the group. Didn’t he guess? He had eyes, couldn’t he see?”
Julian said: “He was thirty-one and I doubt whether he ever saw a pregnant woman. No one has given birth for twenty-five years. It wasn’t a possibility his mind was open to. And the Sojourners I worked with in the camp, their minds weren’t open to it either. No one knows but we five.”
Miriam said: “And Julian is wide-hipped, carrying high. It wouldn’t have been obvious to you if you hadn’t felt the foetus move.”
Theo thought, so they hadn’t trusted Gascoigne, at least not with the most valuable secret of all. Gascoigne hadn’t been thought worthy of it, that sturdy, simple, decent man who had seemed to Theo at their first meeting the stolid, dependable anchor of the group. And if they had trusted him, he would have obeyed orders. There would have been no attempted sabotage, no capture.
As if reading his thoughts, Rolf said: “It was for his own protection, and ours. The fewer people who knew, the better. I had to tell Miriam, of course. We needed her skills. Then I told Luke, because Julian wanted him to know. It was something to do with his being a priest, some superstition or other. He’s supposed to bring us good luck. It was against my advice, but I told him.”
Julian said: “I was the one who told Luke.”
Theo thought that it was probably also against Rolf’s advice that he had been sent for. Julian had wanted him, and what she wanted they were trying to give. But the secret, once revealed, could never be unlearned. He might still try to escape commitment but he couldn’t now escape knowledge.
For the first time there was a note of urgency in Luke’s voice. “Let’s get away before they come. We can use your car. We can go on talking while we travel. You’ll have the time and chance to persuade Julian to change her mind.”
Julian said: “Please come with us, Theo. Please help us.”
Rolf said impatiently: “He has no choice. He knows too much. We can’t let him go free now.”
Theo looked at Julian. He wanted to ask: “Is this the man you and your
