With each moment that passed, I fell further and further into that electric, consuming connection between us. Love for him filled me, made me feel complete. Leaving him would have been agonizing just then, and I saw a similar sentiment for me on his face. I'd sat down, feeling guilty and conflicted over Maddie, but once I was with him…well, it was selfish and horrible, but I couldn't help but stay. And honestly, it became hard for me to fret too much over her feelings because I was too caught up in my own for him. I wanted him. I wanted him to be mine. I wanted him to love me. And yet, I knew as soon as I left the table, I'd feel bad about her again. There was no way this could end well.
'Do you have any more trips scheduled up there?' He lowered his voice, the flirty look now gone and replaced by concern.
'No, I think I'm done with my international travel. I've just got to figure out things here now…or, well, they'll be figured out for me in another day or so. Things are going to return to normal with or without Jerome soon.'
His expression grew troubled, and he glanced away from me to stare out the window. We'd both known the inevitable was coming from the beginning, yet neither of us had been able to talk about it then. It looked like we still couldn't talk about it now. There were a million things we should be discussing, but all we could think about was each other. All we wanted was each other. We'd spent so much of our time with boundaries between us that now that there were none, we just wanted to childishly lose ourselves in our longings and not think about the consequences-even though the consequences would be catching up with us any day now.
'Well,' Seth said finally. 'I just hope you stay safe. Are you any closer to finding him?'
I hesitated. Roman had told me not to trust anyone. I was pretty sure that Seth wasn't going to go run off to any demons in the area and report what I said. I also suspected, however, that Seth wouldn't be happy to find out Roman was in my life again, no matter how altruistic Roman claimed to be right now. Seth wouldn't trust him. Hell, I didn't trust him.
'I've got a few promising leads,' I said finally. I thought about Grace. 'Some more promising than others… I'm just not sure if I can do anything with them.'
'Still traipsing beaches? Do you need me and Kayla again?'
'I thought she had something going on…'
The look on his face said he would do anything for me. 'Yeah, but if you really needed her, I could try to pull some strings. If you wanted.'
Oh, did I. A pleasant, aching yearning gathered in my chest. There was nothing I'd love more than to spend another afternoon with the two of them, even if it was searching for rocks. It had let me indulge in the illusion of being a family.
'No, I'm fine.' Reluctantly, I let the image go. As much as I wanted to be with them again, Roman was the better partner on my hunts now. I would rather put him at risk than Kayla, and anyway, he was more likely to be able to know what to do if we actually found what we were looking for. I glanced at the clock. 'In fact, I need to finish up my work here. My shift's over soon, and I can't be late.'
Seth's face was a mixture of worry and disappointment. 'No lunch, huh?'
I couldn't be certain, but I suspected lunch with him would have involved both food and sex in some surreptitious location. Damn. I wanted both.
Sadly, I shook my head. 'I wish I could…but this comes first. I'm sorry.' For half a second, I remembered Maddie in the office, so sad and heartbroken. I even thought about Dante and his compulsive spending. If I had any scrap of morality left in my damned soul, I'd tell Seth that we needed to end this, right now. But like every other time I'd told myself that, I never listened. 'Maybe…maybe tonight, though…'
Roman and I would be done searching. Dante might be around, but well…I'd deal with that later. I felt confident I could dodge any plans he might want to make. Details like that didn't matter. Only being alone with Seth again did. How could being around him affect me like this?
He nodded, as eager as me. 'Call me when you're free.'
I started to joke that I'd never be free, but that wasn't what he'd meant. Standing up, I hoped I looked like I was leaving a platonic conversation and that I wasn't actually struggling with the temptation to kiss him good-bye. We stared at each other for a few heavy moments, and with his eyes, Seth said a million things, both sweet and indecent. Walking away, I was certain that anyone who'd seen us would instantly realize what was going on-but no one seemed to be paying attention to us.
My shift wound down rapidly after that, and as I walked home afterward, I heard invisible footsteps walking along with me. 'I know you're there,' I said under my breath. I didn't want anyone thinking I was crazy. 'Glad to see your voyeur ways haven't changed.'
My car was parked behind my building today, and as I rounded the corner onto a quiet block, Roman materialized beside me. He looked gorgeous, smug, and dangerous. The usual.
'I hope you had an entertaining time following me around.' I took my keys out.
'You should be a reality show,' he said. 'It's that good. And you know, I might be a totally unstable former assassin, but man. You manage to shock even me.'
'Oh, be quiet,' I snapped. I unlocked the car doors and slid into the driver's side. 'Your snarky commentary is neither wanted nor appreciated.'
'It's not commentary. It's me thinking aloud. It has nothing to do with you, really, nor does it require any response on your part.'
'This is it, isn't it?' I asked, pulling out of the parking spot. 'This is why you aren't going to kill me. You're going to just torture me for the rest of eternity. Long suffering, right?'
He grinned, flashing perfect white teeth against his tanned skin. It triggered a memory in me, how I'd once found that so attractive. Now, though, my fear and unease blocked any sort of desire.
'I suppose that's one way of looking at it. And besides, don't act like there isn't some part of you that secretly enjoys playing this eternally woeful, tormented role. If you were happy, you wouldn't know what to do with yourself.'
'That's not true.' I was surprised to feel myself blushing. 'Stop trying to fuck with me.'
'I'm just intrigued, that's all. You wear this mask of moral superiority. So does Mortensen. Yet, here you two are, sneaking around.'
'You don't understand. We're in love.' The wry look Roman gave me immediately made me regret my words.
'Oh, I understand. Believe me, I do.' I kept my eyes on the road. He had once told me he loved me, and I'd thrown it back in his face. 'If you guys were so in love, why'd you break up in the first place? You were fawning all over each other the last time I saw you.'
'For a lot of reasons,' I mused. 'It's complicated.'
'It always is.'
I sighed. Edmonds was about twenty five minutes away. This was going to be a long drive.
'Well, not that it's any of your business, but I mean, there were a lot of things going on. We were having communication problems, for one thing.'
'How terribly mundane.'
'And I was starting to freak out-you know, about how he could die. I didn't think I could handle that.' I waited for Roman's snide response to that, but there was none. 'And, of course…I mean, there was always sex. I wouldn't do it. I couldn't stand the thought of stealing part of his life away. Our love wasn't dependent on sex…but well, it still muddled things up.'
'And now you have no problem with sex.'
'Because I can't hurt him now! Look, I can't help the timing-or the fact that we still care about each other.'
'Or the fact that each of you have significant others.' Now I stayed silent. Roman tipped his head back against the seat thoughtfully. 'In all my observations this week, I've got to admit, I like Maddie.'
'I like her too,' I said quietly.
'But that guy you're dating? Well, I think you can do better.'
'I'm almost starting to wish you'd kill me.'
'Oh, I've thought about it,' he said. To my dismay, the joking was gone from his voice.
Again, I refused to look at him. 'I'm sorry…about Helena. I never meant for that to happen.'
Roman gave a laugh that sounded like it choked him. 'Oh? What did you think would happen, then? A slap on
