Inconceivable

“I loved it,” Toni bubbled, “’cos it was funny and sad. In’t that weird? I mean, you wouldn’t think it could be both, would you?”

The interviewer asked Wally what he thought of the film.

“What film?” he said.

Anyway, all this is beside the point. I’ve only written it down because it was exciting and I don’t want to forget it. The main event of the evening was about to happen, and it was not the film at all. It was Lucy.

Well, now comes the crunch, Penny. There are no future plans. Carl and I are not an item. I’ve left him and I think that he was mightily relieved.

Well, let’s face it. From the first moment I told Carl about me being pregnant I knew in my heart that he doesn’t want to have a baby. He said he was delighted, but he was lying. Although in fairness I will say that I think he was lying as much to himself as he was to me.

I finally tackled him about it in the limo on the way to the premiere. As good a time as any, I thought. I asked if he really was genuinely happy that I was pregnant.

“Happy? Of course I’m happy, darling, I’m delirious.”

Oh dear, Penny. He’s a better actor on screen than he is off. There was a long and uncomfortable pause before he added, “I’m happy because you’re happy. That’s what matters.”

Which is as much as to say, I’m devastated, my beautiful little life is about to be completely ruined by your bloody baby.

“But you have to be happy too, Carl,” I said, “or it won’t work.”

He sat quietly for another minute, trying to find the courage to start to wriggle out of it. He looked magnificently tortured in his beautiful dinner jacket.

“It’s a shock, that’s all,” he said finally. “I mean, you said you couldn’t have kids, that’s why I didn’t use protection.”

“Well, I thought I couldn’t, but now it seems I can.”

“And that’s great,” said Carl, not looking at me at all. “Really great.”

And that’s when I realized, finally realized, what I’d known all along, but was afraid to admit to myself.

He doesn’t want a child, Penny, why the hell would he? He’s happy. He has everything he wants, except to be big in the States, and a mewling, puking infant won’t get him that. The truth is, Carl doesn’t want to be tied down at all. He wants a girlfriend, not a wife, and he certainly doesn’t want a mother.

We suddenly found ourselves facing each other in the crush at the bar.

Oh my God, she looked lovely. So glamorous, so sexy, so beautiful. I was crushed by her presence, I just wanted to stand there and worship her. I did stand there and worship her.

I think it was the saddest moment yet. Here I was on the greatest night of my life, standing before the woman of my dreams (and I mean that literally) who looked more gorgeous even than I remembered her. We’d written a hit movie together, and yet I knew I’d lost her, that she hated me.

We made smalltalk for a moment and then she told me her news. It came absolutely out of the blue. Lucy’s pregnant.

I really was happy for her, honestly I was, although I also just wanted to die. I told her that I was thrilled and delighted and that Carl is the luckiest man on earth. I meant it too, I really did. Jealous as Othello though I may have been, I knew that I wished Lucy all the happiness she desired.

Then the evening began to take an unexpected turn.

“I’ve left Carl,” Lucy said, and my heart lurched. “This evening, in fact, just before the film started, during that speech when the Chairman of BritMovie was telling us that the phoenix of British film had risen from the ashes.”

I just stood there, open mouthed.

“He doesn’t want a child, so I’m going to go it alone. No more men for me. It’s the modern way, you know, and at least I’ll have a bit of money, thanks to you and our film.”

Well, I was aghast. Was this my chance? After all, he’d caught her on the rebound, why shouldn’t I? The second bounce, the double whammy. The possibilities of the situation were only just beginning to sink in when a publicist came over to get Lucy for an interview. She was in far more demand than I was this evening, by the way, even though I was the top-billed writer. Hardly surprising, really. She was gorgeous and in a sexy frock and I was Mr Beardy in an unironed dinner jacket. I know who I would have wanted to interview.

Suddenly she was leaving.

“Well… goodbye, Sam,” she said.

I made my decision. Well, it was more of an impulse than a decision. Let’s face it, I was desperate. I had one chance.

“Lucy,” I said. “Come back to me! Please, please come back. I’ll do anything. I made the stupidest mistake of my life, but I didn’t mean it. Tell me how I can make it up! Please, I love you…”

“Sam,” she said. “Don’t be absurd. We can’t go back. I’m pregnant with another man’s baby.”

Then inspiration struck. Maybe I could get her back after all.

“I’ll look after it!” I blurted. “I’ll help bring it up. I’ll be its father.”

And I meant it too. I’d love to bring up Lucy’s child. I don’t care who else’s it would be. Lucy’s child would be part of her and there’s nothing about Lucy that I would not love.

It was a stunning thing to say. I felt winded, suddenly everything seemed to be in slow motion, like I wasn’t actually there but was sort of hovering above it all, watching. The publicist kept tugging at my arm. She can’t have heard what Sam said, or if she had she didn’t care. Publicists at premieres have to be very single-minded. After all, you only get one shot at a thirty-second grab on Greater London Radio.

“Sam,” I said. “You didn’t even want children of your own, let alone somebody else’s.”

Perhaps it was just the noise of the crowd but my voice sounded very strange to me. Sam looked absolutely desperate, wild even, like Rasputin, although I think that was mainly the beard. The crowd around us were getting louder, everybody calling for drinks and congratulating each other.

“Can’t a man make a mistake, for fuck’s sake?!” Sam shouted, inevitably choosing the very moment when the room went quiet.

It was fate’s favourite practical joke. Kill the volume just when the idiot with long hair and a beard is shouting obscenities. Everybody turned to look. Lucy went red. God, I wanted to ravish her there and then.

For a second I thought she was going to hit me. Instead she just stared at me for a moment and then left with the publicist scuttling after her.

Dear Penny

This morning when I woke (I hadn’t thought I’d been asleep at all but I must have been, I suppose) there was a huge bunch of flowers on my doorstep.

This is what the card said:

If I have to serve a life sentence for what I did, can’t I at least serve it with you?

Which is not a bad line, I must say, and I swear if he ever uses it in a script I’ll kill him.

I am of course very confused. So much is happening at once. I do love Sam, of course I love Sam, but I can’t just pick things up as if nothing has happened.

Can I?

Except of course something has happened. Something really extraordinary. Sam has offered to help me bring up my child. He loves me, there can be no better proof of that. I do believe that my joy is complete.

I’ve just received an email from Lucy. She will have me back. We are to be a family. I have never in my entire