Inconceivable

life been so happy as I am now.

Dear Penny

Today has been a very upsetting day, although now that it’s over I feel curiously strong.

I’m not pregnant. Dr Cooper says that I was pregnant, at least he thinks I was, but I’m not any more. He says that I’ve suffered a very early miscarriage, which is very common, if indeed I was pregnant at all. Whatever the problem is with me and fertility, it’s not yet solved. Sam came with me to the doctor and afterwards we sat in the car and cried a little together. After that we went and got pissed.

Dear Sam

Lucy and I have been back together for six months. The happiest six months of my life, despite the fact that we’ve just been through our second IVF cycle and failed it. The doctors said that there were some signs of it having begun to work (they know this from the blood tests) but that ultimately Debbie and Dick Two could not hang on. Lucy was very upset, of course, we both were, but we’re OK. We had a wonderful holiday in India afterwards, no replacement, of course, but still absolutely fantastic and something we’ve always wanted to do.

I’m writing this sitting on the bed in a lovely little room in a country hotel in Dorset. Lucy is wearing nothing but a silk slip and is making my heart ache with love and desire. She’s packing up a knapsack with champagne, chocolates and a big rug. It’s a beautiful warm summer evening. In an hour or so we’ll creep out into the night and make our way up the hill to the great and ancient chalk giant’s penis. It might work, it might not. Either way, I can’t wait.

***