'Now, just a minute! You're not going to suggest that washing those cheap suits is the equivalent of a pint of my best beer!'
Guido stood up and looked down upon the Deveel host from a height at least a foot greater than his. 'Whose suit is it you are callin' cheap?' he asked.
Lucanzi smiled weakly. 'No offense, good sir,' he said. 'All right, all right. Carnita, drinks for the table. One round on us. No more!' He gave Aahz a fierce glare. Aahz sat down again with a grin. He'd gotten what he wanted. I remembered just then it would have been his round to start with. He had managed to get it without paying for it.
'Nicely done,' Nunzio observed.
Aahz accepted the accolade and a fresh, foaming bucketful from the chastised barmaid. He took a deep drink.
'It's all in how you handle the situation,' he said.
'So, any luck on your other project?' Tananda asked, looking at me lazily from underneath her eyelashes. I shook my head.
'There's really no time to meet girls on the job,' I said, keeping my voice low. I didn't feel comfortable talking about my dateless state in public, but she had asked, and deserved an answer. 'I mean, I've seen a few nice girls in Aegis, but we're too busy running around taking care of crises. I'm also coming along when Aahz takes a client up to sell him a stone. I don't get to spend more than a minute or two around
the water cooler with anyone.'
'Give yourself a chance,' Tanda suggested. 'You don't have to look for the one-and-only right away. Just someone to have fun with over a drink or a cup of coffee will be good to get started.'
'I feel awkward just trying to ask someone out. I never know when it's the right time to offer. I think I'm pushing too hard.'
'The more you practice, the less awkward you'll feel,' Bunny added. 'Heaven knows I have heard some rotten pickup lines, but those are from the guys who think all they have to do is beckon and girls will just drop everything for them. It's guys like you who interest us more.' She looked me up and down the way she had when she first arrived at M.Y.T.H., Inc., dressed up like a dressmaker's mannequin wearing enough makeup to open her own line of cosmetics. That really made me feel awkward.
'What should I say?'
'Something that sounds natural,' Bunny said. 'Something sincere about what attracted you enough to approach a girl.'
'Just don't take any advice from other men,' a slender
Deveel woman at the next table said, turning to poke me in the chest with a sharpened fingernail. 'Excuse me for listening, but guys will tell you the worst possible lines so they look good in comparison.'
'I think you're right,' Tananda said. 'I can't believe some of their lines! They couldn't possibly have come up with them up on their own, because they'd die of shame if they thought about what they were saying.'
'Men have no shame, baby,' said a large woman in a dress that struggled to stay fastened around her ample bosom. 'They want only one thing.' She shifted her shoulders, making her assets roll from side to side.
'Hey, I didn't think we was so obvious about it,' said the skinny male at the two-top table with her.
'Are you kidding?' The woman laughed. He laughed with her. I guessed it was an old joke between them. I had never been able to joke with a woman in whom I was interested. Part of me longed for that kind of intimacy, but I wasn't sure how one achieved it. I opened my mouth to ask.
'What's it all about?' Gus asked, his gaze shifting bemusedly from one female to another. 'Why do you ask, Skeeve?'
I clamped my mouth shut.
'He's writing a book,' Nunzio said suddenly. I was undyingly grateful to him, since all I needed was for it to get around the Bazaar that I didn't think I could get a girl without help. I knew he was a true friend, because he was willing to lie for me.
'A book on dating by you? Hey, that'd be a big seller!' the Gargoyle said cheerfully. 'And don't forget to put in the part about bringing the gal a present on your first date. That makes her a whole lot more receptive to a little 'who's yer daddy?' ' He winked broadly at me.
I frowned. 'Isn't getting to know her folks something for later on when the relationship starts to get more serious?' I asked. Gus threw back his head and laughed. Aahz poked me in the side surreptitiously with one claw tip and subtly shook his head. I felt my cheeks burn.
'Is it gonna be that funny?' Gus asked, slapping his knee. 'Skeeve, you'll sell millions!'
'So, what kind of present do you recommend?' I asked.
'You gonna write it down?' Gus asked eagerly. 'You don't have anything to write on.'
'I can ask you again later when I've got a piece of paper,' I said. 'Just getting together some ideas right now.'
Gus's gray forehead rippled forward, then smoothed out again. 'I like to give a girl I'm interested in something small, like a can of really nice spray paint,' he said. 'If you know her favorite color, she'll like that. She'll think of you every time she does a little personal illuminating.'
'Spray paint?' Guido asked. 'That's only for girls who are possessed of stone skin.'
'What do you think I dated before I found the missus?' Gus asked, puzzled. 'Stone skin's the major turn-on for me. A great, cold marble complexion, that's what I really go for.'
'Oh, some of us appreciate a little spray paint,' Tananda said with a fetching shiver that had every man at the table watching her in fascination. 'It tickles!'
'Perfume's too personal,' Bunny agreed. 'If you give her something from your favorite hobby, it could be a good ice breaker. Then she'll know a little about you, too.'
'Never,' said the Deveel girl, aiming a finger directly at my nose, 'give a girl lingerie before the third date. Maybe not until the sixth. That's a present for you, not her.'
'I never ...' I protested.
'Candy's good,' said the barmaid, bending her knees to rest the edge of her tray on the table.
'Something you'd actually eat,' Tananda said, with a smile. 'Not out of the bargain bin at World o' Stuff.'
'Cheapskates,' agreed the Deveel, whose name was Felina. 'Sometimes they even forget to take the price tag off.'
Tanda, Bunny and Felina launched into a lively and detailed discussion of gifts they had received from would-be suitors, most of which were unacceptable in one way or another. I had never really realized the depths of my ignorance when it came to the fair sex. Nor were they at all shy about discussing the shortcomings of dates they had had, in spite of the fact that there were several men listening.
'One of Uncle Bruce's men brought me an ammo belt,' Bunny sighed. 'Only it was the wrong caliber quarrels for my crossbow. I knew it wasn't going to work out. He wasn't paying attention. He was angling to get close to my uncle. I told him he should bring Uncle Bruce a present, if he was so interested in him. That shut him up.' She put her tip-tilted nose in the air.
'Hey, Miss Bunny, men don't stand a chance if you don't cut us any slack,' Nunzio protested. 'The power's all on your side.'
'And we mean to keep it that way,' she said with a sweet smile.
'How do you strike up a conversation if you have nothing to say?' I asked.
'Ask for help or offer help,' Felina said promptly. 'If you're new in town, ask where the good places are to eat, then offer to take her to one of them. Pay. Don't go dutch. You'll look cheap. If she likes you,
she'll treat you another time.'
'Skeeve wouldn't be cheap,' Bunny said. 'He's a generous guy. Aren't you, Skeeve?' 'I, uh . . . '
'And how about that bum standing me up on our date, when he told everyone he was taking me out?' the barmaid asked, coming to set fresh mugs down on our table. 'You would never leave a girl standing, especially in a bad neighborhood, would you?'
Before I could open my mouth, Tananda jumped in. 'No, of course he wouldn't. He'd be there.'
'And the last skunk that I dated,' Felina said, leaning in confidentially, 'started seeing another girl on the
