while.’
‘You mean I was kind to you for a while, don’t you? You used me as consolation when your husband at home wasn’t doing his part any more, right? Or was it to make him jealous, or did you want revenge for something?’
She stood silent.
‘Where in the midst of everything did you think that I would wind up, after you had used me?’
She didn’t reply. Couldn’t think of any other reason than that every single person takes responsibility for his own life, but right now she didn’t think she had the right to say those words. Everything had broken down. She had to get out of there.
‘I told you I made a mistake. What more can I say than I’m sorry?’
‘And your husband? Do you love him?’
No.
‘Yes.’
‘And if he were unfaithful to you? What would you do then?’
She swallowed.
‘I’m not sure. I would probably try to forgive him. Everybody makes mistakes.’
His eyes narrowed.
‘Nobody who betrays someone deserves to be forgiven. A betrayal can never be forgiven, will never be forgotten, it stays inside like an open wound. Something is torn apart and can never again be made whole.’
She wasn’t the only one in the room who knew how it felt, that was quite obvious. But she had no desire to share her own experiences with him.
He went on.
‘If there was a man who loved you above all else, who was ready to do anything for you, who would solemnly promise that he would never betray you, that he would always be there for you, standing by your side, would you love him in return?’
She swallowed again and looked down at the floor, fixing her eyes on one of the candles.
‘That’s not exactly how love works, is it?’
‘Then how does it work?’
‘It goes wherever it wants. It’s not something you can control. If you fall in love, then you fall in love.’
‘Is it that simple? Can’t a person do anything to make love grow or make it last?’
She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.
‘You don’t think so?’
‘I don’t know. I’m no expert.’
‘But what exactly is a betrayal? And why does it hurt so much if you know that the person betraying you can’t even help it? That love has just gone where it wants.’
Her weary brain made a brave attempt to follow his logic. ‘The betrayal is the fact that someone lies. That the one you trust is lying right to your face.’
‘So if he goes to bed with someone else and admits it, then it’s OK?’
‘Of course not.’
‘But it should be OK. He can’t decide for himself if he wants to fall in love or not, you said that yourself. So if he confesses then everything would have to be all right, wouldn’t it?’
She sighed.
‘It’s one thing to fall in love, but quite another what you do about it.’
‘So the fact that he loves someone else is not a betrayal?’
She was starting to get really irritated by his questions. Get a life, then you’ll see how easy it is.
‘I don’t know. Can I borrow some clothes now?’
‘So you think that if someone stops loving the one he ought to love, then it’s best not to say anything? Just keep going as usual and pretend everything is the way it should be?’
She didn’t answer.
‘Isn’t that a kind of betrayal too? That the one you think loves you is really just staying with you out of duty and consideration?’
She looked down at the floor again.
He went on. ‘What about all the people who actually live their whole lives together and are happy? If it’s like you say it is, they were just lucky. It didn’t have anything to do with how they actually behaved?’
When she didn’t answer he stood up and went over to the window. Stood there with his back to her. Then he gave a heavy sigh and went back and sat down.
‘So you don’t think it’s possible to learn to love another person, decide to love him and then do one’s best?’
‘No. I don’t believe that.’
Now he had got his answer. Now she wanted to leave.
He sat with his head bowed and his hands in his lap. So naive. He thought that he loved her, he didn’t even know her, didn’t even know her name.
‘Please, can I borrow some clothes now?’
Slowly he looked up at her again. The disappointment in his face was obvious.
‘Are you in such a hurry to leave?’
In silence their eyes met. She gave up, turned and went out to the kitchen; he hadn’t been lying, he had really put her clothes to soak in the sink.
Fucking idiot.
She met him in the hall on her way back. In his outstretched hands he held a pair of folded jeans and a red college pullover. She took them gratefully.
‘Thanks. I’ll send them back later.’
He made no comment. Merely nodded towards the bathroom.
‘You can change in there.’
‘Thanks.’
‘Just one thing.’
Her only thought was to leave.
‘I’d be happy to give you a lift somewhere if you like, but there’s something I’d really like to show you before we leave. Maybe you might consider doing this for me, as a sort of farewell. It will only take a couple of minutes.’
Anything, as long as he unlocked the door afterwards.
‘Of course. What is it?’
‘It’s outside.’
Even better.
She went into the bathroom and changed. She heard him rattling his keys in the front door and hurried as best she could. He had a jacket and shoes on when she came out, and she quickly bent down and pulled hers on. He stood quietly inside the front door with the plastic bag he had taken from the boot of the car in his hand.
‘Are you ready?’
She nodded.
‘And you promise I can show you this?’
She nodded again.
‘Cross your heart?’
‘Yes.’
Let me out now, for God’s sake!
He went out in the stairwell and turned on the light. He pushed in the light button four times although the lights went on after the first one, and then locked the top lock. Then back to the light button to press it again before he locked the second one. She watched in astonishment the strange procedure and at the same time took the opportunity to wonder where he was taking her. Everything would have been much easier if she at least had her wallet.
They went down the stairs in silence. She first, he following. On the ground floor he passed her and she saw how he pulled down the sleeve of his jumper as protection before he touched the handle of the front door.
