Revenge of the Wrought-Iron Flamingos

'We're sorry, ma'am, but we can't let you out on the battlefield,' the man kept repeating, ignoring my attempts to explain. 'Only participants allowed on the battlefield.'

'There's someone on the battlefield who's got live ammo,' I said.

'Impossible,' he said. 'We did a safety inspection before the battle began. Took an hour and a half, with this many participants. I guarantee you, no one took any live ammo out by accident.'

'It's not an accident,' I said. 'He's trying to kill someone!'

But he wasn't listening. I saw him gesturing for several other monitors to haul me away, and I decided to retreat while I could still do so under my own steam.

By this time, of course, all the safety monitors up and down the line had me flagged as a possible troublemaker. As I strolled along the barrier, seeking a more sympathetic ear, I could see other monitors coming to attention as I approached.

Okay, I thought. You're only letting participants past; I'll become a participant.

I picked up my skirts again and jogged over to Mrs. Tranh's costume booth. I found her fitting Horace with a hat.

'It's too big,' he complained, as it fell over his eyes.

'Only hat I have left,' Mrs. Tranh said. 'You want hat, take this one. You want hat that fits, come here two hours ago.'

'Mrs. Tranh,' I said. 'Do you have any uniforms left? Any at all, I don't care what unit. I don't even care what army.'

'Sorry, all out of uniforms,' Mrs. Tranh said, frowning. 'You should have told me you need uniform.'

'I didn't need it until just now,' I said. 'Horace, take off your uniform. I need to borrow it.'

'No,' he said. 'I'm wearing it.'

'Horace – '

He turned to walk away, and I grabbed his arm.

'Hey, girlfriend, what's wrong?' Amanda said, strolling up. 'You look all hot and bothered.'

'Horace, take off the uniform,' I repeated.

'Leave me alone,' Horace whined.

'I'd stick with blue-eyes, hon,' Amanda said.

Horace continued to squirm, trying to free his arm.

'I need his uniform to save Michael!' I said.

'What wrong with Michael?' Mrs. Tranh demanded.

'Well, why didn't you say so in the first place,' Amanda said, grabbing Horace's other arm.

'Sorry,' Mrs. Tranh said to Horace, and deftly tripped him. Amanda sat on him while Mrs. Tranh and I stripped him of his uniform and began stuffing me into it.

'You can't do this,' Horace said, looking miserable in his cotton boxers and sleeveless undershirt.

'Here,' I said, handing him Spike's leash. 'Go find Monty and the sheriff, Horace. We'll need them.'

Fortunately, Horace and I were much the same height, and he was pudgy enough that I could fit into his uniform, despite the differences in our shape. The trousers were a tight fit, though.

'Don't sit down,' Amanda advised.

'Here,' Mrs. Tranh said, tying back my hair with a bit of ribbon while Amanda.jammed Horace's tricorn on my head. 'Pull hat low.'

'And keep the musket in front of your chest,' Amanda added.

'Right – oh, and could you hang on to this file folder and the McDonald's bag?' I said, cramming them into my haversack as I spoke and handing it to Amanda. 'Give them to Monty and the sheriff when Horace finds them. But not unless they're both together.'

'Sure thing,' she said, hanging the bag over her shoulder. I set out again for the battlefield.

This time, the monitors let me pass, after inspecting Horace's musket and cartridge bag, and told me to hurry – the skirmish was already beginning. I kept the brim of my hat pulled low, nodded my thanks, and trotted off in the direction they'd pointed. And hit the ground almost immediately when a volley of musket fire rang out somewhere to my left.

'Only blanks,' I told myself, as I scrambled up. 'Pay no attention to them. They're only blanks.'

Except, if I was right, for one gun, and I didn't think Wesley knew he had any reason to shoot me. Yet.

I began working my way through the outskirts of the battlefield, trying to figure out what was going on. Damn, I thought, if only I'd paid more attention to the rehearsal skirmish last night. All I could see around me was a milling herd of sweating, panting men in uniforms whose color the ubiquitous dust was slowly but surely trying to obscure.

'At this point in the battle,' came Mrs. Waterston's voice over the bullhorn. 'The colonial forces on the left wing begin massing for a sortie. I repeat, the colonial forces on the left wing begin massing for a sortie.'

'Who the hell does she think she is?' a nearby soldier fumed. 'Napoleon?'

'Aunt Margaret says to stay put,' announced another soldier, joining him. 'She'll just wave her handkerchief when we're supposed to make our sortie.'

He pointed to something behind us, off the battlefield. Mother was sitting in a Chippendale chair, surrounded by a bouquet of different-colored uniforms. She seemed to be issuing orders. In the few seconds I watched, several soldiers ran off and others arrived.

'Left wing, were you planning on doing anything soon?' the bullhorn blared.

The soldiers (I recognized one as a cousin) glanced back at Mother and stood their ground.

I moved on.

I came abreast of some soldiers crouching behind some bushes. Instinctively, I crouched with them.

'Third Virginia State Legion troops are over there,' one said, pointing.

'I know,' I bed. 'Courier. Where are the Gatinois chasseurs?'

'The what?'

'Left wing, get a move on!' came the bullhorn.

'like hell we will,' the soldier muttered. 'We've been fighting this war since before you ever heard of Yorktown, lady! We'll move when we damn well feel like it! Sorry,' he said, turning back to me. 'Who were you looking for?'

'Gatinois chasseurs. The French who're supposed to storm Redoubt Nine,' I added, seeing from his puzzled face that either he hadn't heard of them or I still wasn't pronouncing them right.

'Outside the redoubt already, I think,' he said. 'At least that's where they're supposed to be. Who knows? Madame Von Steuben there has managed to screw up the whole thing already. No one's where they're supposed to be at this point in the battle.'

'No, actually we're fighting the Battle of Cowpens, only she forgot to tell us,' another soldier said.

They all laughed.

Great. There were three thousand men on this field, none of them where they were supposed to be; not that I knew where they were supposed to be anyway. How on Earth was I going to find one homicidal redcoat?

Well, I could start by going where Michael and his unit were supposed to be. And at least, having grown up around the battlefields, I knew where Redoubt Nine was. More or less, anyway. I stood up, got my bearings and began trotting toward it.

I quickly gathered that it wasn't quite the thing, even in a reenacted battle, to just take off across open ground toward your destination. Open ground is open for a reason – usually that people are firing across it. And even when they're shooting blanks, muskets produce a remarkable amount of smoke. I got turned around several times, and found myself near a group of Hessian mercenaries, from which I deduced that I'd managed to wander behind enemy lines.

'You're a casualty, soldier,' someone told me, as I passed his unit. 'I just shot you.'

'Fine,' I said. 'I'm shot; I'm a ghost; I'm going over to haunt Redoubt Nine for a while. Which way is it?'

The Hessians pointed, and I corrected course and set out again. But my erratic pilgrimage had not gone unnoticed.

'Someone tell that soldier in the green coat to stay with his unit,' Mrs. Waterston snapped over the