Trust Me, I’m Dr. Ozzy

you any problems. Having said that, I’d avoid Fugu (“river pig”) if it’s on the menu (see here).

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I need to lose weight fast for a wedding—are diet pills a good idea?

Ben, Stevenage

Up to you—as long as you bear in mind that some of those pills come with pretty weird-sounding side- effects, like “gas with oily spotting.” You don’t want to break wind during the best man’s speech and feel like the Deepwater Horizon just sprang a leak in your underwear.

Dear Dr. Ozzy:

I’ve just read about an 82-year-old man in India—his name is Prahlad Jani—who claims not to have eaten a single thing since 1942, because he draws nourishment from meditation. (He hasn’t drank anything, either, allegedly.) Could this be possible, given that the longest-ever hunger strike went on for just 74 days?

Derek, Peebles

I don’t know, but I’m gonna get my assistant on the phone ASAP and send this guy a curry—he must be starving. Actually, the whole thing seems pretty fishy to me. I mean, there’s no way I could meditate or go without a hot dinner for that long. I’m ready to throw a brick at someone after sitting cross- legged for 69 seconds, never mind 69 years.

Dr. Ozzy’s Trivia Quiz: Health Nut

Find the answers—and your score—here

1. If you ate one tablespoon each of these foods, which would slam you with the most calories?

a) Goose fat

b) Ghee (clarified butter, used in curries)

c) Unsalted butter

2. Farting less often is easy if you…

a) Swallow less air

b) Drink more water

c) Cut down on beans, sugar-free chewing gum… and pears

3. Speaking of unwanted trouser explosions… how many times does the average person let rip every day?

a) 14 times (1–4 pints of gas)

b) Twice (half a pint of gas)

c) 27 times (8–12 pints of gas)

4. What causes “heavy leg syndrome”?

a) Involvement with the Mafia

b) Exercising too much

c) Not enough blood circulation

5. How old was the fitness guru/muscleman Jack LaLanne when he died?

a) 41

b) 96

c) 73

CHAPTER NOTES: FITNESS METHODS

TYPE OF EXERCISE	Running	Swimming	Cycling	Weight-Lifting	Yoga
HANDY TIP	Start your workout close to something that might kill you. You’ll run faster.	Some holiday resorts have bars in their pools.	If you like cross-dressing, this is the best excuse you’ll ever get for shaving your legs.	You can get paid to do this… by becoming a professional bag carrier.	Find the best-looking woman in the class and stand behind her. It’ll cheer you up to no end.
DANGERS & ANNOYANCES	The thing that might kill you… might kill you. Also beware of ball chafing, heart attacks.	Some pools with bars have yellow fucking water. Also beware of sharks, rip- tides, overly tight swim trunks.	Saying, “But darling, it’s for aerodynamic reasons” ain’t gonna fly if you’re also wearing fishnets and a bra.	Looking like a weight-lifter.	Bulges can be spotted easily through Lycra.
PAY-OFF	Feeling healthy ’cos you’re wearing a track suit.	When you get tired, you can always float.	Putting on silk stockings without them ripping.	Looking like a weight-lifter.	Being able to jump off a drum riser while doing the splits—and not wake up in hospital.